Hmmm.......i've just written and posted the 4 Christmas cards that I'll send to family this year. One each to my Mum, my missus and my children.
I was tempted to sign the ones to my children as from the sperm donor - raised a smile but really it's hurtful behaviour from me to them because I ain't getting my own way - so I sat down with myself and asked my self why am I really sending cards to two people who won't have a damn thing to do with me. Because i don't want them to forget me, because I want them one day to start comms with me, because i've always done it, because i want to prick THEIR conscience a little bit, because that's what a dad does, because I can't quite stay out of their lives entirely.
None of that is good healthy behaviour. But i still sent them.
more work needed I think.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
Your post brings back memories. I didn't want anything to do with my parents when I was in my twenties. I am so grateful that they never stopped reaching out to me, despite my determination to punish them.
What I eventually learned when I became a parent myself, is that my parents were doing their best all along. The love that I never felt when I lived at home (alcoholic home) ... they were actually trying to change that, they were trying to amend that, they were NOW trying to love me. When I finally realized that, I became so grateful that they never left me out in orbit, they kept reaching out to me. It must have been painful because my behavior was so unloving. I have since made amends.
God has the power to change hearts. We, in AA, know this so well. (((hugs)))
My daughter cut me out of her life for over 30 painful years. I was (still am) sober for 27 of those years. I never stopped the birthday cards or gifts, occasional checks, Christmas presents, little notes. Nothing was ever acknowledged. I got no cards, no gifts, no thank yous, and the worst, no news (even when she was in the hospital). Amends were made and I was forgiven, but that did not include further communication.
Then, for no apparent reason, a little note arrived. A year later, a few e-mails. A few years ago, I visited her for a few hours over a couple of days. No phone calls yet, but last month I got the most wonderful Thanksgiving e-card you can imagine. It said she misses me. Just as we never write off the alcoholic who still suffers, I have learned to never write off the possibility that my relationship with her might change for the better, still more.
Everytime I read of someone getting some contact with their children, every share that I hear someone say '..and after X years, my son, daughter, sister, brother, mother, father, wife etc got in touch'every time I hear someone say 'and my grandchildren have never seen me drunk, unlike their parents.......'
I Love It. It stings like hell, but I love to see the joy in their faces and hear the gratitude in their voices and I'm happy for them and I get a little bit of hope for a light at the end of the tunnel.
everything changes.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
