I give up. I wanted to be meds-free so that I could get a chemical-free baseline for a while. Give my doctor a real picture of what type of condition my condition is in.
In 18 months I had 4 alcohol lapses. Three that lasted one day and one that lasted two. I haven't had a drink in almost 6 months.
I went off xanax I dunno...four months ago? Something like that. I tapered down off all other meds two weeks ago.
Yesterday I punched in the front of my washing machine, gave myself a nice egg on my forehead, punched a lotta walls and tried my best to induce a cardiac erythmia by repeatedly punching myself in the chest. All I got was bruised.
I found the duct-tape so I could tape my chef's knife to the tub-spout and drive my temple down on it, hoping to cause enough brain-trauma to do the job.
Me and the baby are both tired. She wants to sleep, but won't without her mom and I want to die.
Anhedonia? Nope. Not any more. I feel. All the feelings that I feel are negative and dangerous. I am no damned good to myself or anybody else.
I have to go back on heavy meds. The higher power of my creation has deserted me. I pray and I pray and there is no "lifting". I "turn it over" and there's no lifting. If there's a god it has decided that I have exceeded my capasity for anything good.
The higher power of my creation has deserted me. I pray and I pray and there is no "lifting". I "turn it over" and there's no lifting. If there's a god it has decided that I have exceeded my capasity for anything good.
horseshit mate, horseshit.
There is a higher power, but he probably isn't a medical practitioner. You got professionally qualified people for that. See your doctor and take the f*ckin meds as prescribed.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
How quickly we can blame God for our choices. God gave us free will to make our own choices. God didn't take you off your meds you did, God didn't make me a worhtless drunk for 26 years I did. God gave me a way to live a better life or not it was up to me I choose to accept it by working the steps, using a sponsor and going to meetings. A drunk who merely gives up drinking is merely a dry drunk, a drunk who works the program and truly turns his will over to God becomes a sober alcoholic. The choice is yours.
-- Edited by Bob K on Monday 20th of December 2010 07:14:45 AM
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Tell me and I'll forget. Teach me and I'll remember. Involve me and I'll learn.
I can tell you, God has not deserted you. I can't say much else about your situation, but I can offer a prayer. I should think you should be on the phone to your doctor and your sponsor. Don't give up.
Rob, we're here with you. Six months sober? Sounds like the programme is working for you viz alcohol.
And AA is about alcohol. It isn't meds anonyous, life anonymous, etc.
There are those in the rooms who say that it's about those other things too, about how you can't be in the program if you're on med.
Wrong.
The literature tells us that nobody in the rooms who is not a doc can give medical advice. Heck, it even says that we should consult outside pros for outside matters. I've heard of a guy who suggests to the barrack-room doctors that they're committing an offence under state law telling newcomers to come off their meds if they're not a qualified doc.
Go back to you doctor -- you're not less an AA for doing that, heck, AA gives us a way to deal with medical problems, medically.
Rob, Some of us have to be on meds,thats just the nature of it! Our Higher Power is always there,but life will have its trials.Whatever you do,picking up is not the answer and will really only amplify the pain.I can only suggest getting on the meds the medical people subscribe,continue to seek your Higher Power and stay focused on where you could be if not doing the work.I will continue to lift you up and if it is God's will you will find peace......Let us know whats going on going forward...
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Rob, your effing disease is telling you a bunch of effing lies! So, don't effing believe it!!!!!
Phone your physician, and then get with the Great Physician. Higher Power is not up there, out there, or over there... your HP is right within you, just get quiet enough. Get still. You can hear it when you hear the sound of your breath. You can feel it when you observe how that breath softens all the tension inside, as you exhale the fear. It wants you to remember, you are loved.
My problem is not that my HP has left me, because that is impossible. It's impossible. My problem is that I don't allow HP access to me, I DENY it. All I have to do is ALLOW it to flow again....
Get quiet. Get still. You are okay, my friend. You are okay. Keep reaching out.
What Step are you on? What steps have you worked? Do you work with newcomers? Are you going through the steps with a sponsor as well as taking new people through the steps? I know for me if I don't work the steps one of two things is going in my mouth, a gun or a drink, untreated alcoholism is nothing nice, and one way untreated alcoholism manifests for me is it makes suicide a viable option, it makes me sound exactly like you do.
If a hard drinker quits drinking their life gets better, if a real alcoholic quits drinking their life gets unbearably painful without the steps, that is why you see the "real alcoholics" on this site who have worked the steps go on and on about it, a 'relapse" doesn't happen like some scene from a Disney movie where a bottle magically appears in the alcoholics hand, what happens is the untreated alcoholic gets to a place where life without alcohol becomes unbearable and unlivable, the emotional agony gets so acute that a return to drinking/drugs/suicide/meds is inevitable
There is a section that describes untreated alcoholism in The Big Book called, "The Bedevilments" this applies to an alcoholics state of mind without working the steps
We were having trouble with personal relationships, we couldn't control our emotional natures, we were a prey to misery and depression, we couldn't make a living, we had a feeling of uselessness, we were full of fear, we were unhappy, we couldn't seem to be of real help to other people
The best description of Alcoholism I have ever seen is talked about by Clancy, who spent years in therapy, taking meds, going to psychriatrists etc to no avail The most baffling characteristic of alcoholism--both to the alcoholic and to those who must deal with him--is the paradox in which the conflicts of sober reality eventually always become untenable, leading to the return to alcohol and/or drugs for relief. Then the "relief" chemical becomes the problem. The outside pressures begin to mount regarding its use, and the pain and discomfort in the patient begins to increase. Neither sobriety nor its chemical counterpoint can provide a meaningful cessation of the the conflict. This almost hopeless condition of mind and body is known as alcoholism...a truly strange disease in which withdrawal from alcohol has little if any salutary effect, and often makes the emotional agony intensify.
What sets AA head and shoulders above other attempts to reverse the disease of alcoholism is in its immensely successful efforts to literally alter the relationship of the alcoholic to his or her world--in effect, to provide a different perception of the same environment.
That being said, I don't know what other medical conditions you may suffer from, particularly if you haven't treated your alcoholism by working the steps, I have a car sitting in my garage, and until I take out the manual and actually put the wrench to it by following the directions contained in that users manual, it aint never gonna run, just sitting in the garage surrounded by tools don't make it run.
There is a book I read I have mentioned here a number of times "Change your Brain, Change Your Life" written by a psychriatrist who started doing brain scans on his patients, what he learned was about half his patients responded to therapy and doing exercises (diet, all sorts of behavioral exercises, all treatment-non meds) and about half that didn't, and what his brain scans showed was brain activity specific to a certain condition, like it wasn't "all in their head" but something physically taking place in the head, like ADHD sufferers had brain activity all through their brain instead of where it was supposed to be taking place, and all the thinking exercises in the world couldn't help these people, they needed meds and therapy both
So a visit to a good psychiatrist with access to one of these machines would make sense, none of us can diagnose a valid medical condition, but don't you owe it to yourself to treat your alcoholism by working the steps as well, and then that would narrow down whatever else you are suffering from to a treatable condition?
There are pills that can treat medical conditions, and in some cases they are absolutely necessary, but there is no pill for untreated alcoholism as of yet, I know MANY sober alcoholics that by working a diligent program (going through the steps with sponsors and sponsees) and adhering to the medical plan of action laid out by their Doctor have happy, Joyous and Free Lives, and I know an equal number of people who try to treat their alcoholism with Doctor prescribed meds and meeting attendance and a more unhappy set of people I have never seen, consistant and frequent relapses every few years with horrific "crashes" and relapses every few years, their suffering is acute and constant
Treatment for -real- alcoholism takes actual action, actual putting pen to paper, actual working with other alcoholics, actually going through the steps and taking other alcoholics through the steps, not just meeting attendance, why not give yourself the best chance possible by both taking the action necessary to treat your alcoholism in AA AND seeking the advice of a Psychriatrist trained in addictions? Now and then a serious drinker, being dry at the moment says, "I don't miss it at all. Feel better. Work better. Having a better time." As ex-problem drinkers, we smile at such a sally. We know our friend is like a boy whistling in the dark to keep up his spirits. He fools himself. Inwardly he would give anything to take half a dozen drinks and get away with them. He will presently try the old game again, for he isn't happy about his sobriety. He cannot picture life without alcohol. Some day he will be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without it. Then he will know loneliness such as few do. He will be at the jumping-off place. He will wish for the end
There are large numbers of "hard drinkers' in AA that don't need the Program of Action as outlined in The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, they go to meetings and get sober, and while they may need group support, meetings and maybe "treatment" early on, after they stay away from alcohol for awhile their lives get better, their "program" however will literally kill a "real alcoholic" as described by The BB, they are well meaning and nice people but since they don't suffer from the same thing as what you have, what worked for them won't work for the "real alcoholic", it doesn't make them "bad people", it makes them people who don't have what you have, people who don't understand that merely seperating an alcoholic from alcohol without the spiritual remapping of the brain makes for an unlivable existence, a painful existence, a horrible existence, thus makes them unqualified to help you and actually very dangerous to you if you follow their advice. Can you find a "real alcoholic" that has recovered by working the 12 steps and give that a go?
-- Edited by LinBaba on Monday 20th of December 2010 10:38:00 AM
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
Ohhh, Rob. It makes me sad you feel like this. You're close to me, but not close enough to drive without at least a few-hour roadtrip. I grew up in a family with both alcoholism and mental illness abundant. Fortunately, my fam. members mostly were one or the other. I've been on meds, I've got more weird phobias than you can count, I'm OCD, I've experienced crippling depression. I'm not saying you're like straight-jacket mentally ill, or anything. Some folks just *have* to be on meds. They are much happier that way, and so is everyone who loves them. We love you! Don't be a cowboy! Go back on your meds.
God loves you, too.
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"Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle." ~Anonymous
Some of us HAVE to be on medication, there are no two ways about it. Sometimes, heavily. (Looking you in the eye right now, and hoping you are looking ME in the eye...)
I HATE being on medication. I hate it with all that I am. But without it, I am totally nuts. While I haven't yet destroyed my washing machine, I did, in sobriety, while NOT on medication, starve myself down about 4 pant sizes, got about 19 different haircuts, ran through about 8 temporary "relationships" in 2 months, ruined a perfectly good bank account and credit card, quit a good job, and dropped out of school. And all without picking up a drink or drug. That came after I looked around and said "WTF!!!!???"
What I see and hear is that you want this sobriety thing YOUR way. Your way is without medication. (My way is too.) But Your way/My way doesn't work for us. HP has not abandoned anyone. HP has created people who created medications that help people like you and I. And some of us need a tandem approach of mental health/AA. Hard stuff to let go of, those wishes to be "clean as a whistle." But how willing are we? Don't tell yourself meds are forever. Just tell yourself that it is just for today.
I don't know much right now, but I do know that if I had stayed on the meds that were working this past year instead of playing around, I likely would not have just gotten out of JAIL for the umpteenth time. I never went to jail while a) on a good medication regimen and b) working the program, in tandem. The sooner I accept this and move forward, the better.
Your appropriately medicated friend, Joni
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
1. Having a new baby 2. A change in daily habits (sobering up) 3. some degree of marital strife.
And you are learning how to cope with all of this without alcohol or illicit drugs. I have to take meds and I have days where I feel like stepped on crap for no reason. I try to take as low a dose as I can and stay sane, but I will always have to take them. At 6 months sober, I needed a hefty dose of meds. At 2 plus years I have tapered down to a quarter what I used to take. I used to think God crapped on me for giving me depression. It runs in my family and skipped my siblings and hit me (as did alcoholism, as did being gay)...whatever..
My realization now is that all these hardships have been done FOR me and not TO me so that I am a more humble person better able to help others. It may not seem clear to you now Rob, but we do grow through suffering and adversity. More will be revealed. It does sound like you have been in the midst of a pretty severe depressive episode. They don't last forever and with the right meds it will subside.
Like me, you have 2 illnesses. Depression and Alcoholism. Be a fighter and don't let either of them kick your ass.
In support,
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Hey Rob, Many people hear routing for you. I wanted to let you know your in my prayers my friend. Your not alone. In early sobriety we all struggle at time........ As a matter of fact I still struggle. What I've found is over time working the Program the eposides are less numerous. Progress not perfection.
We I get into one of these episodes I work the entireAA program harder. I work a very consistent program- but I work at it harder during these times. It doesn't matter what it is. I realize you may be struggling with the God thing- we all have. When I poke through the other side of things- I find my selfish, self-centered fear, thoughts and behavoir returned and I find I was disconnected from my HP. Things weren't working out the way I wanted them too. I couldn't meet my expectations and everyone else fell short as well. I tried to play the Director/Creator when all I am is a Cast Member. When I get them two mixed up, I'm f*cked.
So good to hear you're headed straightaway to the doctor's office... you just seem to keep doing the next right thing... even when you don't like it. That shows acceptance and willingness. I learn a lot by watching you and others.
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
Back from the docs and all is...managed? I have a short-term dosage of benzos as a crisis management measure and a long-term scrip, as well.
The xanax is already doing it's job. The feelings and actions of the last 12 hours are clear to me, but I see them from a detached measure. I alomost hate to say it but I feel...happy. Not content, not amused...but happy. My daughter curled up next to me and I like it. I'm smiles.
Thanks everyone.
Drew - learn haiku. You use more words than a wikileaks document.
Back from the docs and all is...managed? I have a short-term dosage of benzos as a crisis management measure and a long-term scrip, as well.
The xanax is already doing it's job. The feelings and actions of the last 12 hours are clear to me, but I see them from a detached measure. I alomost hate to say it but I feel...happy. Not content, not amused...but happy. My daughter curled up next to me and I like it. I'm smiles.
Thanks everyone.
Drew - learn haiku. You use more words than a wikileaks document.
Peace, Rob
well good deal on making it to the doctor, I am glad you found some relief
yeah I should learn to write haiku, I realize I am an anomoly in this day and age of the MTV attention span and 30 second "sound bite" where reading is a lost art and that most of what I write probably never gets read, I do realize that, I just haven't learned how to do AA in TV or Radio commercial length chunks yet, and I may never learn, some ideas just can't be broken down for the attention deficit society we live in, Aldous Huxley wrote some interesting stuff about this very phenomenon quite some years ago...
O, wonder! How many goodly creatures are there here! How beauteous mankind is! O brave new world, That has such people in't!
Now I'm off to eat some Soma, go to the feely and have some consequence free recreational sex with a stranger in order to avoid those uncomfortable thoughts or feelings that we as humans seem to be afflicted with
-- Edited by LinBaba on Tuesday 21st of December 2010 02:23:18 AM
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
During my worst episodes, benzos were the only thing that worked. Had to make a choice of whether to be on addictive drugs or about to kill myself cuz of anxiety and depression. Sounds like a similar situation.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Welcome back Aquadude! When you get a chance, I'll tell you about the family of snook living under my dock, since I installed the under water lighting.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Tuesday 21st of December 2010 10:35:18 AM
I give up. I wanted to be meds-free so that I could get a chemical-free baseline for a while. Give my doctor a real picture of what type of condition my condition is in. 
