Having a bad day, despite that great news I'm not drinking today or this week (so far). Or maybe BECAUSE I'm not drinking I am having a bad day in the sense that I am sober and I'm feeling EVERYTHING acutely and it hurts. The positives that I was feeling before (the job I loved, the anticipation of a beautiful vacation have suddenly turned into additional stressors)... My emotions that I have medicated for years are coming out and I hate how it feels but I know that I need to sit with them and learn to cope with them despite the way they make me feel.
An acquaintance from an outpatient dual diagnosis program who I keep in touch with called me last night telling me she's going to kill herself if I can't get to another town 20 miles away to take her to a meeting (her car died... this woman has issues well beyond alcholism and has a heart of gold but is difficult and many others seem to avoid her at meetings. I don't know her other diagnosis beyond alcoholism but my sense is she has anger management issues and maybe bipolar - whatever... I can't diagnose or control her, but I want to give back as a member of AA but how can I do that when I'm already stretched to my limit for today?). I feel I can't say no to her. We alcoholics help each other right? If I do this for her, I miss my son's first real high school hockey game which is eating at me since I'm already feeling immensely sad that I have to leave him home for what is our special "family" vacation. The only one we take all year... I need to be there for him tonight, but to do so means I have to tell Diana I cannot help her with a ride. Also, I'm a little put off... I do NOT like people putting the 'I'm gonna kill myself' onus on me. I don't think she meant it literally, but she's struggling and I'm feeling compassion but my son comes first. Is that so wrong? This would be a 3-4 hour round trip to take her there. She's not around the corner.
I want to get to my noon meeting today and do the zillion other things I have to do to prep for Christmas and pack to go away. So stressed.
Feeling lots of anger welling up inside of me about the job situation. Been on the verge of tears for two days, through workouts, through yoga... but I've held them in. Finally they came out this morning.
So I call my husband for support - wrong answer. He's yelling at me because I'm crying and as he always says 'there's nothing to be upset about'. According to him my emotions are never valid... and I never have a right to feel upset. NO WONDER I took the easy way out and drank away my emotions... I can't deal with his anger toward me when I show them. No there's nothing for me to be upset or unsettled about... I'm just an alcholic - feeling judged by him and others - about to leave on a vacation where I want to drink - hell I want to drink now, at 11 am... I'm feeling miserable about leaving my son behind, lost my job 3 days ago despite giving it my all AND changing my flight to vacation so that I would make the Christmas party because I wanted to show my dedication to the company...
My daughter is a raving lunatic at 13 and fights me on everything, I am dealing with emotions that have been medicated for 10 years, and I'm not remotely ready for the holidays or this vacation. Plus I have someone coming to live in my house with my son for the week which makes me uncomfortable. Yes, a little overwhelmed...
I'm setting myself up for disaster. I just want to stay home with my son but that is not an option.
I'm just pulled in a thousand emotional directions today. Prayed already for God to keep me away from a drink today. Thanked him for keeping me away last night and the nights before. Going to a meeting at noon and taking the cowardly way out of helping my friend tonight through a text. But I don't feel good about it.
I'm just feeling low today and struggling... I need some positive energy and some good news on the job front to give me something positive to hold on to.
Thanks for listening.
I can only do so much. Life as a newly recovering alcoholic is a bitch.
I already did something kind for myself today - went to the gym. But I'm still teetering. The call with my husband just set me off. He is part of my problem... Yes I am an alcoholic and whether he is part of my life or not, I will always be an alcoholic... but he is a trigger for me. More when he's NOT here than when he is, if that makes any sense at all. It's the distance, the avoidance of the issues... the refusing to accept my moods when all I'm doing is reaching out to someone I should be able to reach out to. Damn. It's just hard.
first, you are not alone. you found us!!! we are all miracles and have difficulties we cannot deal with 'all by ourselves' and it is a good thing to not drink. drinking never made anything better in my life. as difficult things come into your head, start saying "ok, Higher Power (whom i call God) i am giving this problem to you. then the next thing comes, God, i am giving this feeling to you. and so on.... we have to do this because we cannot handle these things on our own, especially when feeling overwhelmed you wanted help from your husband, he is too wound up in his own feelings to be of help to you. you need to cry and you need to surrender these big issues and the small ones to the Higher Power that gave us promises. Meetings can help, AA friends can help, just asking for prayer can help. after you pray breathe in deep and blow it out. on to the next thing. if you have a sponsor, calling her to ask for prayer more specifically will help both of you. don't think too far ahead.... just get through this hour.... half hour.... this minute.... the holidays will be here whether we are ready or not, and we will get through it, it is my attitude about it that makes the difference. be honest with yourself and be honest with your family and keep love in the picture.... keep "handing up" the negative stuff, the worries, and enjoy the miracles that will happen today. prayers for you and your loved ones. jj/sheila
Sounds like you have a lot on your plate. Definitely go to the meeting at noon. I am just new to this and am only on my 4th day of sobriety. I Know how it feels when someone you love and who is supposed to love you acts the way your husband did. I have been through many abusive and unhealthy relationships and it is a big part of why I kept drinking. In my opinion your child should come first. Try to help your friend but don't let her put a guilt trip on you. I will be praying for you. Do you have a sponsor? If so have you called them. I have always heard the lord doesn't put more on us than we can handle sometimes I wander if that's true I know it's a lot but you can get through this with the support and love of others like you.
Are you talking to a therapist? Meetings are great but are not intended to be group therapy, and it sounds like you have a lot you need to get off your chest on an individual basis. A therapist can really help put the little stressors that come with early sobriety in perspective.
This is why we say drinking is but a symptom, when I hadn't had a drink in two days my life was a trainwreck, I was fighting with everyone around me, I was lost in a veritable sea of confusion and self pity, and I had 2 moods, homicide and suicide, oh, and Disney Movies and commercials made me cry like a baby
I was told when I came in "Don't worry about getting in touch with your emotions, they will be getting in touch with you"
The difference between Group Therapy and The Program of Alcoholics Anonymous is Group Therapy will address each of your "issues" on a case by case basis, they will try to treat "the symptoms", whereas The Program will give you a new set of tools to deal with these "issues", The Program treats the underlying problem, which is our inability to live life on Life's terms
This is why we so strongly suggest the steps
This is why we stress going to meetings every day, getting a sponsor, and a support group (of phone numbers) and we call these people every day, other people also early in sobriety, -this- is where we get the Group Therapy we so desperately need in early sobriety, I would spend hours upon hours talking about the how mean and unfair everyone was around me, our spouses, children, co-workers, bosses, random strangers on the freeway with these people, I wouldn't have been able to remain sober without this support and outlet that takes place -outside- the meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous
Furthermore, Alcoholism is centered in the mind, one of the "tactics" alcoholism uses is to make us so uncomfortable, put us in so much pain that we HAVE to drink just so we don't go insane, I mean literally, Doctors will give alcoholics without a program and support group drink or pills to keep them from losing their marbles, or medicate them in other ways, Xanax etc
Some examples, each step has conditions, "promises", and a prayer, if you do this like this, you get this, here are some of the third and tenth step promises
Step 3:
When we sincerely took such a position, all sorts of remarkable things followed. We had a new Employer. Being all powerful, He provided what we needed, if we kept close to Him and performed His work well. Established on such a footing we became less a nd less interested in ourselves, our own little plans and designs. More and more we became interested in seeing what we could contribute to life. As we felt new power flow in, as we enjoyed peace of mind, as we discovered we could face life successfully, as we became conscious of His presence, we began to lose our fear of today, tomorrow or the hereafter. We were reborn.
How does peace of mind sound about now? Attractive? How about freedom from fear? How about discovering we could face life successfully and serenely?
Step 10
we have ceased fighting anything or anyone, even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. We react sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition.
How does not fighting with everyone around you sound? How about sanity returning? Attractive?
In the beginning of the book it describes our emotional lives drinking or not unless we actively work a program, they are called the Bedevilments, they describe what is happening with you with frightening accuracy, could you have summed up your entire post in these few sentences?
We were having trouble with personal relationships, we couldn't control our emotional natures, we were a prey to misery and depression, we couldn't make a living, we had a feeling of uselessness, we were full of fear, we were unhappy, we couldn't seem to be of real help to other people
31 pages later in the book there is what is known as the ninth step promises
look at this:
THE BEDEVILMENTS (page 52)
THE PROMISES (page 83)
We were having trouble with personal relationships.
We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away.
We couldn't control our emotional natures.
We will comprehend the word serenity and we know peace.
We were a prey to misery and depression.
Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
We couldn't make a living.
Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
We had a feeling of uselessness.
That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
We were full of fear.
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
We were unhappy.
We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
We couldn't seem to be of real help to other people.
No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how your experience can benefit others. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
And, most of all,
We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
So sorry to sound like a broken record, but
Go to 90 in 90 Get a sponsor Get phone numbers and use them Work the steps
and your life will change beyond recognition
-- Edited by LinBaba on Wednesday 8th of December 2010 12:26:32 PM
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
About driving your friend to the meeting: NO, NO, NO, and furthermore, NO. You are in no position to be doing 12th step work for others right now. Another newcomer who is more unstable than you is NOT someone you should be hanging out with. You have no obligations to her or to help anyone but yourself at this point. That is 12 step work and you don't even have step 1 down fully yet. Draw some boundaries. As a person with less than a couple months sober and who has been relapsing, you need to focus on YOU. You also seem to have some codependency issue that need work too and that will be worked out when you do the steps and maybe with future CoDA meetings. People pleasing was and still is a big defect of mine. I feel like a big screw up unless others are all happy and then when I let out my emotions, they come out all dramatic and blown up (sounds like you are this way too). Other people are going to deal with life. Your husband, son, friend...they are all going to cope with whatever life throws them. You are NOT the glue that holds everything together. TIME OUT!!! Focus on you and your recovery. Screw the whole trip if it is that much trouble. You really shouldn't be going to Aruba this early in recovery anyhow in my opinion. Your husband sounds frustrated because he can't save you from your overwhelming emotions. It's not his job to save you though. All the validation you are expecting to get from him really needs to come from you. Your relationship with him will get healthier when you are meeting your own emotional needs and then can just share good times with him. You need a sponsor and to work the program to learn to cope. You don't need to be focused on all this extraneous bullcrap.
Literature says we need a complete psychic shift to have lasting sobriety. This means that the ego has to be smashed. It does sound like your ego is smashed right now, but you have not rebuilt it with healthy coping skills in sobriety. Hence, you need to go gentle with yourself. Stop beating yourself up. Your recovery is the most important thing in your life and it sounds like you are putting many other things first including your family, vacation, pleasing friends, having a job. Get this right: YOU HAVE NOTHING WITHOUT RECOVERY. You need to be going to meetings daily, calling your sponsor daily, and learning how to take basic care of yourself.
If it were any other illness you would be giving yourself time to heal and recover. You would also not be doing things that exacerbate and complicate the illness.
I have been in your shoes. I had overwhelming anxiety and depression, and I also complained and thought my problems were so so so so stressful and overwhelming and more than any person should be expected to handle...but I did the 90 meetings in 90 days (actually more than that), I had a sponsor right off the bat, delved into the steps, and I worked the program hard and that is why I am mostly free from thinking that the world is crumbling when in fact both me and you are not dealing with anything more or less than ordinary people deal with. Over time and if you fully surrender to this program and work it a little harder, you will gain some perspective, some serenity, and some better coping skills. For now, stop running around like a chicken with their head cut off and just focus on recovery.
I promise things will get better, but only if you get your priorities straight and do the work in the program.
P.S. I don't mean to sound harsh and critical of you. The tone of this message is urgent because I do identify with you. I remember thinking and feeling that way. It sucked so bad. I know what the solution is and I just want you to have it too.
In support,
Mark
-- Edited by pinkchip on Wednesday 8th of December 2010 01:55:38 PM
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
1. Call the suicide hotline in your area and tell them. She's probably bluffing, but either way you don't want the guilt of knowing her state of mind if she does try to kill herself. This will either save her life or piss her off. A LOT. That's ok. Better live and angry.
2. Your friend is not your responsibility. One more time: Your friend is not your responsibility. Your responsibility is to alert whatever mental health authorities that someone is threatening suicide. At that point you've done what you can and it's time to focus on the steps.
3. Threatening someone with suicide if you don't ___________(fill in the blank...love me, let me go to the concert, quit seeing your mistress/wife/the pool boy, etc.,etc.) is emotional blackmail. I suggest a policy like the government of Israel (and me) NO NEGOTIATION. Say "NO". That's it. Complete sentance.
4. Even in the threat, it is only your transportation that she is seeking, not your friendship. There are a lot of ways to get from point A to point B. Most of them don't require you personally. If she really needed to go to a meeting she could call her sponsor.
So, the rest of it sounds like chaos and drama. My suggestion is to work the next step. You've got time.
LinBaba wrote:The difference between Group Therapy and The Program of Alcoholics Anonymous is Group Therapy will address each of your "issues" on a case by case basis, they will try to treat "the symptoms", whereas The Program will give you a new set of tools to deal with these "issues", The Program treats the underlying problem, which is our inability to live life on Life's terms
Having done both, I'd have to agree with this 100%. Firefighting has its place, but at some point you need to stop stockpiling gasoline and cigarettes. Even a sprinker system isn't much good until you clean house.
I had that list of things... if only this or this or that were different, I wouldn't drink so much. Even if those things did change, and I got my wish, the drinking and unhappiness continued. There was always something to replace any problem I solved. If not two, or three new things to take its place.
It's difficult to explain the change in attitude and outlook upon life. It has been gradual, other than the initial light bulb moment of "maybe I've been doing it all wrong all these years". I decided not to postpone my happiness until after the next thing, the next thing, and the next thing after that on my problem list was solved. I learned to love the process. And it makes all kinds of rational sense. If my happiness is tied to an event - the achievement of a goal, or whatever, my life is doomed to, at best, moments of peak happiness with days, weeks, months, and years of drudgery in between. If I instead love the process, my entire life can be as happy as I choose to be, with the events and achievements nothing more than markers along the way.
Sorry to come in late to this thread, but like others have said, this sounds like very early sobriety to me.
I agree about the friend: if she wants to get well, she will find a way to the meeting. We're taught in the Big Book that if folks start to rely upon us rather than a Higher Power for their recovery, then they're not going to get well. Heck, she can even call the AA hotline in your area and they may be able to find a woman to drive her.
I know that it's easy for me looking in to say this: if I were in your situation, I'd be feeling what you're feeling right now. Like Mark and others, I too have co-dependency issues, and if I'm not pleasing people, then I feel bad about myself. It's much better now that I'm in AA, b/c I have been given the tools to deal with that and NOT DRINK, but it's a problem for me too.
As for your son's first hockey game, for me it's not even an issue: you're in recovery now, and part of that is being there for his first even high school game, something you probably couldn't have done when you were drinking.
My sponsor drills into my head that putting AA as my number onw priority doesn't mean putting meetings, etc. before my family and work. It means, managing things to that I can make meetings *and* be there for my family and work.
Hope that you're in a better place now -- remember, we're here for you, AA as a whole is here for you and your Higher Power is always there for you.
LinBaba wrote:The difference between Group Therapy and The Program of Alcoholics Anonymous is Group Therapy will address each of your "issues" on a case by case basis, they will try to treat "the symptoms", whereas The Program will give you a new set of tools to deal with these "issues", The Program treats the underlying problem, which is our inability to live life on Life's terms
Having done both, I'd have to agree with this 100%. Firefighting has its place, but at some point you need to stop stockpiling gasoline and cigarettes. Even a sprinker system isn't much good until you clean house.
I had that list of things... if only this or this or that were different, I wouldn't drink so much. Even if those things did change, and I got my wish, the drinking and unhappiness continued. There was always something to replace any problem I solved. If not two, or three new things to take its place.
It's difficult to explain the change in attitude and outlook upon life. It has been gradual, other than the initial light bulb moment of "maybe I've been doing it all wrong all these years". I decided not to postpone my happiness until after the next thing, the next thing, and the next thing after that on my problem list was solved. I learned to love the process. And it makes all kinds of rational sense. If my happiness is tied to an event - the achievement of a goal, or whatever, my life is doomed to, at best, moments of peak happiness with days, weeks, months, and years of drudgery in between. If I instead love the process, my entire life can be as happy as I choose to be, with the events and achievements nothing more than markers along the way.
Barisax
Exactly
We don't fix our problems, we fix our thinking, and the problems fix themselves
"If only this then that" as in if I can only get this, achieve this, make this money, get in this relationship, whatever, and I will be happy has proven to be my most deadly stupidity and delusion to date, it wasn't until all my dreams came true and I still felt the same way did I learn this for myself though
The problem is an inside problem, so therefore is the solution, all the outside stuff in the world won't fix me
__________________
it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
