Did you expect people who had your number to call and check on you? Or...did you take initiative and call them. I think a lot of newcomers don't understand that they need to get phone numbers off the bat and actually CALL THEM. WE want to hear from you. I have given out my phone number to a bunch of newcomers but they never call. I called strangers in the beginning to reach out. I was desperate for help. They thanked me when I called and told me that listening to my problems got them out of their head. So...for those of you that are new. Make use of the share and care lists and the phone numbers you get. That is what we are there for.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Gotta tell ya, when I came into AA, I didn't ask for any numbers at all...took me months to get numbers. It was a combo of fear, humiliation and pride. Not good.
While I didn't drink, put it this way...I wouldn't do that again. ;)
Knowing what I know now, coming in, I'd get numbers and call them. Lots. I still get numbers and call them.
Just talking to sober alkies is so healing, even if like today, I was calling around to find out if we have a cake for tomorrow's meeting. It works.
I do know that I had a couple different sponsors early on and they didnt callme, they said it was up to me to call them.
I did call others when I was new to AA cuz I was lookin for rides to meetings and there were a couple different folks who were more than happy to pick me up. And that helped me alot!
And for what its worth .. now that Im sponsoring ppl, I do suggest that they call me on a regular basis to get into the habit of picking up the phone. However .. if I havent heard from them after 4 or 5 days, I will give them a call to just see how they are. It certainly doesn't hurt me to do this . After all, I need them just as much if not more than they need me.
Aloha Mark...great discussion. I use to call sometimes; more than I was called. When I was called it pleased me and verified the fellowship. When I call it was also a verification that the program needed to be worked by me and that I needed to overcome the fear of reaching out for help. By the way when I was new to AA I was in the rooms of the Al-Anon Family Groups being gently nudged and guided by my HP toward an assessment just before the front door of the Alano Club Friday Night meeting. I certainly didn't rush to get here by any sense of imagination.
Hmmm... This whole concept of the newcomer taking the initiative and calling people is something I just don't see in the Big Book. I think this is more of an American cultural thing where being extroverted and skilled at "networking" is always presented as an unalloyed good and a universal solution to all kinds of problems. It presumes that people get energy and reinforcement from mere voice contact with others, and not everyone or every culture is like that.
I know it's a popular technique, and I'm not suggesting isolating, just wondering if constant phone tag is the panacea it's sometimes touted to be...
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Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's, and unto God that which is God's.
I have to admit that I am a newcomer and three months in, I am finally starting (ever so slowly) to use the phone and call a couple of the many numbers I have gotten. Thankfully, I have met an oldtimer with 45 years sobriety and a huge dedication to AA and a big heart who has taken an interest and has called me a couple of times which has put me at ease to call him. I know it's boys with the boys and girls with the girls... but being so much older and not at all inappropriate with me... and as I watch him help many others, I feel this is ok for temporary help until I meet my new potential sponsor next week for coffee before our meeting.
I don't know... picking up the phone is necessary and I WILL get it as I get to know the women in my home group better... but it has been next to impossible for me to do. I suffer from the ailment of not being able to ask for help... something I know I'd better get over fast.
Tonight I am proud of myself: I was having a very bad night... I had already gone to a meeting in the afternoon. I found myself at home feeling sad and lonely (despite a house full of family)... I was crying, my husband was getting annoyed at me because he just doesn't 'get' it... and I just went right out to a meeting at 8, a crying mess. As I sat there and listened, my tears dried up and I felt more calm. It worked. I did not even think of picking up a drink, and I used this resource to get through a bad night. Thank you God. Something is sinking in.
Don't feel bad about the mood swings. I've got 18 months and I found myself blubbering the other night after watching "Wuthering Heights", and I'm a DUDE!. I think real emotional stability takes time to cook...
Question: when you make your calls, do you do it any certain time of day, like avoiding mealtimes or not making it too late in the evening? I probably need to start calling people too but I have this preternatural fear of annoying them....
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Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's, and unto God that which is God's.
When I came into this program I had a hard time picking up the phone however I attended 3 or more meetings a week and was very involved with AA. I think part of the not making many calls was my level of involvement I was in a 1/2 way house on the corner from the original alano club in Mpls. There were get togethers nearly every week end and breakfasts during the week. Now I reach out to new comers and let them know that they can call me anytime day or night. I need to give away what has been so freely give to me.
Honestly, I try to make a habit of calling them first, even though they should be calling.
I'm grateful my sponsor called me back in the day, so I try to return the deed if I think they are shy about calling, after all they haven't worked 4th and 5th step and are still filled with fear.
I tell sponcee's to text me to check in if they prefer, and call if they have issues.
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
Don't feel bad about the mood swings. I've got 18 months and I found myself blubbering the other night after watching "Wuthering Heights", and I'm a DUDE!. I think real emotional stability takes time to cook...
Question: when you make your calls, do you do it any certain time of day, like avoiding mealtimes or not making it too late in the evening? I probably need to start calling people too but I have this preternatural fear of annoying them....
ZZ, You may want to ask them when a good time to call them would be when you get their # or see them next at a meeting. You can always start the conversaton with, "did I catch you at a bad time"?
Better yet, just don't worry about it, you can never match the aggrivation we caused people when drinking , besides if it's a bad time they should let the call go to V-mail.
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
Ultimately I think this comes down to "willing to go to any lengths"
Newcomers willing to go to any lengths call people and get a sponsor, at least I did as did my sponsees that got sober and 100's of other people over the years I have watched come in
Sometimes I think a big part of the steps and the entire process is just being willing, being teachable, and following direction, trying something different with no reservations whatsoever, I think that might be a key ingredient to the spiritual awakening
You can lead a horse to water.......
For the type of alcoholic who is able and willing to get well, little charity, in the ordinary sense of the word, is need or wanted.
It is not the matter of giving that is in question, but when and how to give. That often makes the difference between failure and success.
I have called newcomers first to break the ice, however if the newcomer isn't grasping this thing with the desperation of a drowning man, I have better things to do with my time
Ultimately I have had this conversation with people I got sober with, and those of us that got sober followed direction, called people, worked the steps etc The minute we put our work on a service plane, the alcoholic commences to rely upon our assistance rather than upon God. He clamors for this or that, claiming he cannot master alcohol until his material needs are cared for. Nonsense. Some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn this truth: Job or no job wife or no wife we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God.
Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house.
-- Edited by LinBaba on Saturday 4th of December 2010 01:54:01 AM
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
I have to admit that I am a newcomer and three months in, I am finally starting (ever so slowly) to use the phone and call a couple of the many numbers I have gotten. Thankfully, I have met an oldtimer with 45 years sobriety and a huge dedication to AA and a big heart who has taken an interest and has called me a couple of times which has put me at ease to call him. I know it's boys with the boys and girls with the girls... but being so much older and not at all inappropriate with me... and as I watch him help many others, I feel this is ok for temporary help until I meet my new potential sponsor next week for coffee before our meeting.
I don't know... picking up the phone is necessary and I WILL get it as I get to know the women in my home group better... but it has been next to impossible for me to do. I suffer from the ailment of not being able to ask for help... something I know I'd better get over fast.
Tonight I am proud of myself: I was having a very bad night... I had already gone to a meeting in the afternoon. I found myself at home feeling sad and lonely (despite a house full of family)... I was crying, my husband was getting annoyed at me because he just doesn't 'get' it... and I just went right out to a meeting at 8, a crying mess. As I sat there and listened, my tears dried up and I felt more calm. It worked. I did not even think of picking up a drink, and I used this resource to get through a bad night. Thank you God. Something is sinking in.
Hi abetterway, welcome to the the board.
Just wanted to say that I had a huge amount of identification with what you've said. I too, when I first came, couldn't ask for help -- in my case, it was pathological. I guess that it was a combination of fear of rejection, fear of being laughed at for being a weakling, fear of losing the distorted self-image that I thought that I liked, etc.
I used to feel a stranger in my own family. To a large extent, I actually was a stranger in my own family and I didn't really have any friends, either.
When I started to admit that I need to help -- at first on here, I still couldn't do it in person for a while -- to another person, to a person who knew what it was like and understood, it was liberating. And I too found meetings to be hugely helpful -- it was like, whatever I felt that I was trying to deal with just evaporated.
I was told that I needed to make the effort to call and my understanding and experience is that it has taught me to how to ask for help, get out of myself. It prepared me for step three in someways. Further asking a newcomer to call shows that some one has some willingness to work the program and is ready for help. If others called me all the time, I'd take it for granted. As a formerly anxiety ridden, mentally isolated phone hater, I have appreciated the encouragement to pick up the "100lb phone". It was wonderful to talk to a newcomer this week about using her new phone list. I told her "those numbers are there because the people that leave theirs really are willing and wanting to talk." I realized I meant it. Since then I have seen this gal take to the fellowship aspect of the program and connect with others. Currently it is my favorite treasure. I never would have thought the golden egg would be connection with others, especially not over the phone.
Hmmm... This whole concept of the newcomer taking the initiative and calling people is something I just don't see in the Big Book. I think this is more of an American cultural thing where being extroverted and skilled at "networking" is always presented as an unalloyed good and a universal solution to all kinds of problems. It presumes that people get energy and reinforcement from mere voice contact with others, and not everyone or every culture is like that.
I know it's a popular technique, and I'm not suggesting isolating, just wondering if constant phone tag is the panacea it's sometimes touted to be...
Hmmm. I like both points of view, and wonder if we are all thinking along the same lines as to the definition of "newcomer".
In both Alcoholics Anonymous, and Dr. Bob And The Good Old Timers forexample there is a lot of examples of reaching out to the "newcomer", and little of asking him to reach out to AA's.
HOWEVER, they talk about conversing with the wife, getting to know the situation, etc before contacting the pigeon and then people visiting him in the hospital by ones and twos after he is in the process of "de-fogging". So the newcomer they are talking about is BRAND new: it sounds like still drinking to maybe a couple of weeks sober. Since historicly they were taking the steps in max four weeks, and then the newcomer would be doing 12th step work, and ceased to be new.
He would be visiting and calling his own pigeons.
Now, what "newcomer" means isn't at all clear to me. I just saw a post elsewhere by someone that hadn't put together 6 months, but had been in the rooms of AA for twenty years. Identified as a "newcomer".
It seems like there is a component of both time and willingness that come into play here.
One thing Dr. Bob was very clear about (Bill, too): everybody needs a pat on the back once in a while. Also very clear was not to chase those that don't want this program. There are others that need your help.
Whenever I offer newcomers my phone number, rarely do thy give theirs in return. I don't ask because I know when I was new, people asking for my number seemed kind of exposing and intrusive, and I don't want to overwhelm them. So I will call newcomers if I have their number but usually I don't. What I generally do is give them my number and write down the location and time of the next meeting I think is a good one and tell them I will be there and am happy to talk more or to call anytime. Maybe this isn't enough but I just know how I felt when I was new and people I don't know calling me would probably have scared me off. If others feel as I do then the burden falling to newcomers to do the reaching out may just be the practical result of this sort of interaction.
I was given phone numbers at my first meeting and I did use them when I was desperate enough! Re people phoning me to see how I was getting on, I would have run a mile. It would have freaked me out. Funnily enough nobody did phone to check on me......maybe it was the vibes ! I did all the running which not only taught me to ask for help it also made me feel safer. (((hugs))) Karen
Awesome topic takes me back. I feel like a old timer telling this and maybe I am. When I came around this time a had a hard time just acking for help.now that did not stop me from asking the women for their number. It was easier to try to trick you for some help than to just ask you. My first sponsor did not have a phone either did I we had phone boothes and when I neede to call I just drove. Across town and knocked on his door.up to date I get the new persons cell put my number in it call my cell save there number then send them a text saying this is bill call me any time before you drink. There. Were no cell phones in 91 thank god cause that would have another resentment lol. I call the new guy and text them til they stop answering .bill called bob I need the new guy way more than he needs me see I am. Still selfish.
