No sponsor, no support at home... Lots of books, got a car to get me to meetings... but my head is playing games w/ me today. Essentially lost my jobyesterday due to the economy... good side of that: Plenty of time for meetings; bad side: feel like a failure even though I know it's not 'me'... it's just the way of the business world: profits are down, cuts are made...
I know I have many tools, some AA friends... but I pull away from help when I need it the most. I isolate... very bad, I know... but I can't stop crying and my pride prevents me from showing up in such a condition.
Don't know if I got what it takes to win this battle. Today, I do not feel like I am winning OR making progress. I feel like I want to quit.
All I know is that I am absolutely an alcoholic and I need help.
if you drink, will you get your job back? If you drink, will the economy improve? If you drink, will you keep your car? If you drink, will life get better? If you drink, will you feel less like a failure? If you drink, will you cry any the less?
This is a battle that is only won through surrender. Stop fighting it, booze has won!
Go to a meeting, share, get a sponsor and work the steps. Or go out on the piss. Choice is yours.
Oh and one last benefit - you were asking about how to handle the company party on Saturday - guess that problem has been solved for you now.
-- Edited by bikerbill on Thursday 2nd of December 2010 11:06:04 AM
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
All I know is that I am absolutely an alcoholic and I need help.
You have taken the 1st step by admitting you are alcoholic. Why not take the 2nd step. Believe in a power greater than yourself. I don't think that power can make matters any worse. That is how I started my journey and eventually got well despite myself and despite the number of times I nearly gave up.
But that's the problem isn't it? The choice isn't hers any more that it was mine or yours. I had long passed the point of having the choice to drink or not drink. I was going to drink. Even if I didn't want to, and KNEW that only misery would come of it, I had lost the luxury of walking away from alcohol. I was going to drink, and nothing and no one was going to stop me. I didn't want to be who I was, or do what I did, and I couldn't do a thing about it.
"There is one who has all power may you find him now."
Find a meeting and go there! Talk about how you feel. Right now you might feel like it won't make a difference, but try it anyway.
I got laid off recently and I know it's tough, but drinking is not going to male it better. Focus on the fact that now you have the free time to really focus on getting sober.
Just imagine J...you brought it here and shared it with others who will get and stay sober with it. You nudged Biker Bill and he posted what I needed to hear in the way I needed to hear it. Bring your stuggles here and to the next meeting. Be as honest there as you've been here and let your HP have control back. Trust God...first 3 steps for me are worked 24/7.
Thanks so much for the courage to bring that here looking for change.
You know the suggestions...go for it. In support ((((hugs))))
Jeanne, Thanks for posting your struggles with us here. Your helping people eventhough you may not think you are. Sounds like your going through some pain. Pain is a normal part of life. Sounds also like your suffering. Suffering is optional. There is a way out. By going to a meeting and sharing you struggles and asking for help, you'll not only help others but people there can show you the way out. They can because they've been there. The root cause of your diesase is self centered fear. The diesase has you right where it wants you. Isolation. It has no defense against the program of AA.
Sounds like your at a cross road. Many of us were. There's 2 choices: continue down the road expecting things to change- which they won't - and continue the pain and suffering to the bitter end.... or get humble and ask for help. What your doing isn't working, it's time for a change.
I believe at times God does for us what we can't do for ourselves- You've lost your job- sounds like God is working in your favor, opening the door of opportunity. It's time to decide whether you walk through it or not. I hope you walk through.
But that's the problem isn't it? The choice isn't hers any more that it was mine or yours.
Well the choice I was referring to was either choose to get abetter life or choose to continue wrecking it.
As for me, I chose to put every first drink to my lips, nobody held me down and poured it in me. Many times the choice was contrary to my wants and needs. The power of choice only dissappeared after the first drink
It's the first drink that sets off the craving, it's the first drink that gets you drunk. It's the obsession that gets you to choose to take the first drink. (IMHO)
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
none of us flew into AA on the wings of Victory, as a matter of fact my experience is: it doesn't work until we admit we're licked, totally beaten, abject surrender, and then It only works if YOU work it, in other words admit to our innermost self that what we were doing doesn't work, then we try something new. Get a sponsor, work the steps. How's that pride thing been working for you so far? it is said you can't save your ass and your face at the same time, what's it gonna be?
you have learned "don't drink and go to meetings" doesn't work you have learned exercise doesn't work you have learned therapy doesn't work you have learned self knowledge doesn't work you have learned a shiny new job doesn't work you have learned self will doesn't work not much left except pick up the spiritual tools known as the steps let me know if you are atheist agnostic, i'll show you how to get around the whole God thing if that is what is holding you up whats the line from shawshank redemption? get busy living or get busy dying that is your choice
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
Alot has been said in this thread already. All that I'll add is how much are you willing to lose before you are willing to "do whatever it takes to get and stay sober"? We are all terrible gamblers, what risks are you willing to take for the privilege to self destruct your future for just a couple cheap thrills? I dabbled in the program for two years without a sponsor/working the steps/going to meetings daily... and things got progressively worse. I had to lose more so that my ego could be reduced. I had to suffer some more consequences, gather impending doom, and feel like I was losing my mind before I received the gifts of desperation and willingness.
I was talking to a newcomer yesterday. He is 30 something, very fit, intelligent, has owned a few businesses (and lost them), has lost his license for a few years, may be going to jail for a while for the last DUI, but he still has some reservations about the program (Higher Power and certain steps). He (like I did) thinks that most of the people in the program are sicker than he is and feels uncomfortable at meetings because these beliefs. Like me, he may be too smart for this simple program. He may have too much still going for him. I explained to him about the "4 Horsemen of Denial". Youth, Health, Wealth, and Brains (I'll add Enablers). When an alcoholic has a couple of these "assets" sobriety may Not be possible. Being in a relationship (He is currently) is another obstacle that distracts one from working hard on a recovery program. I told him that, imo, his chances were less than average (which are 1 in 20) to stay sober. I asked him my favorite question ~ What are you doing, in your recovery, that is better then the other 19 people, in AA, that have to leave (statistically speaking) for you to have the privilege of staying sober?
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Thursday 2nd of December 2010 08:57:40 PM
For most normal folks, drinking means conviviality, companionship and colorful imagination. It means release from care, boredom and worry. It is joyous intimacy with friends and a feeling that life is good. But not so with us in those last days of heavy drinking. The old pleasures were gone. They were but memories. Never could we recapture the great moments of the past. There was an insistent yearning to enjoy life as we once did and a heartbreaking obsession that some new miracle of control would enable us to do it. There was always one more attempt and one more failure.
The less people tolerated us, the more we withdrew from society, from life itself. As we became subjects of King Alcohol, shivering denizens of his mad realm, the chilling vapor that is loneliness settled down. It thickened, ever becoming blacker. Some of us sought out sordid places, hoping to find understanding companionship and approval. Momentarily we did then would come oblivion and the awful awakening to face the hideous Four Horsemen Terror, Bewilderment, Frustration, Despair. Unhappy drinkers who read this page will understand!
We alcoholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking. We know that no real alcoholic ever recovers control. All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals usually brief were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization.
He cannot picture life without alcohol. Some day he will be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without it. Then he will know loneliness such as few do. He will be at the jumping-off place. He will wish for the end.
Pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization
say that to yourself out loud
Pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization
Pitiful
Demoralized
put together in such a large package it is incomprehensible....
Is that how you feel? Do you feel loneliness like few do? Are you unable to imagine a life with or without alcohol? Not worth living anyway...Do you wish for the end? Do you cry for no reason? Cry during Disney Movies and commercials even? Cry for a lost life, a lost child, wonder what happened to you, wonder how you lost your way, wonder how it came to this?
Seriously, do you feel like an orphaned child lost wandering on Christmas in The Snow, everywhere you look you can see happy people with their families while you live in a pit of despair...if you can call it living...your nose pressed up against the glass as you stand in the snow?
Sometimes it takes a different kind of love
We can offer you that Love in AA, We can offer you a life free of alcohol, my life is FULL of loving people, people who I love more then my family, people who have become my family, people who I have NO secrets from, people who know who I am and not only accept me for who I am, but love me anyway....
Jeanne, Come home, come to a meeting of your people and surrender, raise your hand ask call out for help, cry, surrender, put it out there at group level you NEED a sponsor or you are going to continue to live in this miserable half life where you wish for the end
Are you at the jumping off place?
Then jump
we will catch you
I promise
do the work
-- Edited by LinBaba on Thursday 2nd of December 2010 08:07:01 PM
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
I have felt the same way you are describing. But, each time, I dug deep. I knew if I gave up on sobriety, I would fall even flatter on my face then ever before. Do you really think you can afford another relapse? With every hardship that you deal with without drinking, you get stronger and stronger. I feel for you and understand how hard getting laid off would be. Furthermore, when I got sober i started feeling super depressed at about 2 to 3 months and had to start therapy. I also had anxiety and depression issues before getting sober. I was self medicating big time. Taking alcohol out of the picture messed my moods up at first cuz drinking was my chief coping skill, but in the long run, getting sober was the best and only option. I'd be dead otherwise.
So hang in there. You seem to have a lot on your side. Being honest and asking for help is a HUGE plus for you even if you don't realize it yet.
Hugs in support :)
Mark
P.S. You are a newcomer - everybody knows you will be struggling for a bit and that is what we are here for. The 12th step implores us to help others and by doing so we stay sober. Go to meetings regardless of how you feel. It is the one place you can break down, be totally honest, and people will love and accept you anyhow. You need to focus on getting well, not what people think of you!
-- Edited by pinkchip on Thursday 2nd of December 2010 11:00:33 PM
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Thanks for all the replies. I did go to my meeting last night - have a potential sponsor (we are meeting for coffee to chat soon), and the best part is that we read Chapter 1 of the Big Book regarding God/Higher power... that key aspect for me right now. Why I say this is good is because not only do I NOT have a problem with a higher power, but I absolutely have been craving spirituality for years but putting off truly making an effort to understand what that means because I felt ignorant about 'religion'. Now I realize that my higher power can be many things... not just an organized religion. Having been raised a Catholic and attempting to go to Catholic Church while my kids received their sacraments... I just could not find a comforting sense of acceptance and spirituality there. (No offense to Catholics... I just didn't feel that I knew the routines, all the prayers, the prayers meant very little to me because I was too caught up in whether I was 'doing it right'). However, I know God/higher power - something beyond myself - is there for me. I feel it already in my life, just in how I found AA and this message board. I am ready to grasp on to it. Right now it is a sense of faith and belonging in AA and a noticing of the 'coicidences' and opportunities that are happening in my life. Yes, I lost my job, but that opens the door for more time for me to focus on this most important job of all: Recovery and obtaining and maintaining sobriety one day at a time. God (or some higher power) is definitely at work in my life already, and I have barely even begun this journey towards sobriety... I'm definitely seeing that and that is what keeps me coming even if I slide backwards, get very depressed or want to give up when the going gets tough. Like many said... to give up is just to wait for a lower bottom. My bottom was low enough and I pray I never have to experience worse than that.
Thanks for the welcome and kind and very REAL and blunt words. They are needed and appreciated.
if you drink, will you get your job back? If you drink, will the economy improve? If you drink, will you keep your car? If you drink, will life get better? If you drink, will you feel less like a failure? If you drink, will you cry any the less?
-- Edited by bikerbill on Thursday 2nd of December 2010 11:06:04 AM
Funny thing, when I was drinking, I would probably have answered yes to all of those questions. Maybe I'd meet a guy in the bar who was going to offer me the top job, the hot stock tip, introduce me a friend of his who could do that. Maybe I'd make new friends and be really popular.
All of the people I admired were big drinkers. I was pretty much convinced that I could be a famous writer like Ian Fleming or Hemingway if I drank, since they were doing bottles of booze a day. LBJ and Churchill were big drinkers, so heck, if I drink whisky maybe I can be famous and powerful like them.
Reason is a human power and no human power can cure me of my alcoholism.
Reason is a human power and no human power can cure me of my alcoholism.
Steve
Oh that's good. I'm borrowing that one for me and my sponsees.
+1!
:)
Sorry to hijack your thread Jeanne (or is it hijacking), but reading through this, I was just reminded of the insanity of my active alcoholism.
I honestly believed that stuff when I was drinking. It was living testimony to what the Big Book says, that if we have an alcoholic mind, we'll drink again, sooner of later, unless we have a power greater than ourselves to help up. I certainly had no defence against that first drink.
But, AA has given us the solution and can restore us to sanity. At least it has for me, today. Today I now know that drinking won't make a multi-zillionaire bestselling novelist like Ian Fleming, but it will rob me and others who need me of my life and ruin theirs -- and here's the best part, AA has shown me that I don't need to be a multi-zillionaire bestselling novelist (or whatever other grandiose fantasy that I had - OMG I cringe at my arrogant self-delusion now!) just me, sober.
So, all this is just my long-winded way of saying that if we follow the suggestions that we're getting on here, we're on the path to sobriety.
Keep coming back!
Steve
-- Edited by SteveP on Saturday 4th of December 2010 02:12:07 AM
-- Edited by SteveP on Saturday 4th of December 2010 02:13:45 AM
I'm sure we've all experienced what ur going through at some point in time, we've at some point go through the struggling with what something or other, economic times, family situations, people places and things get to us.
Believe me I've had my share in the last 2 years of my sobriety, I spoke a few months back at a meeting in the next town over, They were a tough crowd, but I got through it. The years of sobriety in that room was overwhelming, But I got through it.
Went through some personal resentments (mainly me) Cause I couldn't let go and let GOD, that live and let live thing, that too.....
A situation came about 2 years ago that almost drove me back out to drink, but with the help of a few AA members and my sponser, and a few outside the program helped get me through the situation. I also checked in with the board here and a couple off the board helped me out when I was in need.
I still struggle on occasion, but not as much, I'm leanin on my HIGHER POWER and getting through the rub edges when need be.
Things have a way of working out evenually, easier said than done right, I'll pray for you and well hopefully things will turn around for u....
