So... how did I get here?  Not sure... I think I was 'here' all along... as far back as my first drinks as a high school Junior.  (My 25th reunion was last night -- I could not go... just not at all ready or stable enough to do so).  So here I sit this morning feeling sorry for myself, as I get emails from old friends giving me grief about why I was not there... little do they know...

I get down and start judging myself for having this inherited disease and feeling like a 'bad' person even though I know deep down that my attempts to face this head on (my choice), is a GOOD thing.  It's not so much a MORAL failure as much as a disease that I am not able to fight alone.  I have to keep reminding myself that I am not a LOSER because I am an alcoholic - this is a disease... just like cancer, or diabetes or any other disease that nobody wants.   I am a WINNER because I recognize it and am not giving up my fight against it, even though I have not been so successful at truly remaining sober yet.  I still slip when I am alone and sad sometimes.  With two teenagers and a busy husband... my life is changing so much and I find myself alone at home a lot and I'm doing my best to make that NOT happen since I know this is when I struggle the most...  So many of us can't face the truth.  I have come to the fork in the road where there is no other choice for me.  The other options are not options.  Period. 

I am an alcoholic who is has slowly accepted that this disease is NOT going anywhere, ever... and I have to be diligent, aware and committed to the fight and to the recovery for the rest of my life.   There is no going back to 'normal' drinking... there IS no normal drinking for me. 

I only realized that I had crossed the line from drinker to 'heavy' drinker, to daily drinker to admitted alcoholic this past Summer, at the age of 42.  Yes, alcoholism certainly IS a progressive disease.  I had a psychiatrist 'label' me as an alcoholic 4 years ago, 10 minutes after meeting me at an appt. I made just to get some antidepressants and/or anxiety meds (I NOW am dually diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and depression, but due to my alcoholism... anxiety meds are not really an option for me, so I am learning coping skills - ever so slowly and painfully).  I was completely horrified and insulted at that time... I was mad as hell;  How DARE she so quickly label me.  What an idiot, I thought... I think I even wrote her a letter telling her how out of line she was.  lol.   So a few more years passed and things got worse.  Back then I was not half as bad as I came to be a few years later, and yet she knew...

Fast forward a few years from that day... things progress... my denial progresses... my life goes downhill a day at a time, picking up speed as it goes...

and I quietly admit myself into an outpatient program in early September of this year when I had no choice but to admit that my life was spiraling way out of control... My drinking (mostly alone and hidden) was getting harder and harder to maintain.  I was not enjoying any part of my life even things, people and places that last year I loved...  I couldn't remember the last time I felt happy... and I was falling down drunk on an almost nightly basis for the last few weeks/months of my drinking; hurting myself... embarrassing myself in front of my two young teenagers and my husband (mostly)... crying all the time... getting really close to suicidal.  My relationships were going bad, I was isolating, I stopped working out completely (which I LOVED)... All I wanted to do was have a drink and take a nap, have a good cry and start all over again.  ALL the time.   Two years ago, I was a runner... completed 2 half-marathons, took great care of myself... fitness was my life... and I managed to do it while drinking.  At that time I also embarked on a new education in a new career and things were going great in that direction.  I had opportunities that I quickly ruined due not to drinking on the job (I never did that) but because my drinking had me insane and miserable... that began to show in my work and my attitude.  

'Suddenly' my alcoholism reared it's ugly head in a way that I could no longer deny.  

I continued to self medicate all my pain regarding family situations and my past...  (lots of 'stuff' there but basically I was self medicating for 10 years - it took me that long to progress to this level of disease where denial was no longer working).  I stopped seeing my psychologist for a while and all hell broke loose.  My drinking took that progressive downhill turn, and as it worsened, I gained 15 lbs, stopped running, stopped caring about myself, started hating myself... stopped caring about ANYTHING and stopped dealing with any emotion other than the hunger for a numbing drink... I was just absolutely no longer someone that I knew.  I would look in the mirror and didn't recognize myself.  I couldn't remember things... I would literally blow off my son's baseball games in the summer the one night I wasn't working because I'd rather stay home and drink in my yard alone.  I made excuses... but I only fooled myself... until I couldn't even fool myself anymore.  I hated me and what I had become. 

Most mornings,  I couldn't remember anything... I was waking up with black and blues all over my body - the last one was over my eye... Thank GOD I mostly drank alone and at home.  I always kept my drinking under control when out with friends and rarely drove drunk but alone... I let loose...  Thank GOD a coworker who also has a problem and has done the steps before with regard to another addiction - recognized this in me after a night of drinking together by the pool while my daughter had her friends over.  My friend and I got rip roaring drunk...  Luckily, she was less out of it than me... I fell, broke glass... smashed my head on the cement floor and didn't feel it (til the next day)... and she - this friend - offered to show me the way to AA the next day, even though she herself was not ready to put down the drink.  Since then, I lost my job... and we lost touch... I was not good to her and I made a fool out of myself with my coworkers and employers because of my anger and defensiveness... but God put her in my path for a brief time for a reason.  This much I know and am grateful for.
I can never repair that damage to my reputation but I can move past it and move forward...

So here I am, three months into acknowledging my problem... and slowly accepting that a drink is something that I cannot have ever again, (although I am hardly 'recovered'... I am fighting, doing all the 'right' things... but struggling to not pick up and still sometimes losing that struggle).  I guess I am a stubborn, slow learner... But every time I fall, I am more disgusted and determined... so I keep going...

I am now starting to truly map out my week around AA meetings - and this is a challenge.  By the grace of God... things are starting to turn around... I have a new job even better than the last one... good people are coming into my life... my head is clearing up and I am not in a bit of denial about the disease, as much as I hate that I have it because it requires me to dig deeper to find out who I am other than an alcoholic and who are my real friends?  Who is going to judge me (many... and hwo needs those kinds of friends) and maybe I will earn my own self respect back.   What is going to happen?  Things are changing and that is scary...  The amazing part of all this is that I was never a person of great faith and I am now able to see a higher power at work in the way some things happen - I am finding my faith... Funny little coincidences that I notice - sooo many of them.  For instance, as during my last slip when I had a drink in my hand and was despairing about that a few days ago, I turn on the TV while I'm feeling alone and sorry for myself and isn't there a show on disovery health about alcoholism and the stories of two people who died from it and detailed information about how alcohol slowly kills... God at work, I believe...  Many things like that have been happening since I have begun to immerse myself in this new world of AA.  I'll get to the liquor store and my wallet is gone... I'm on my way and my daughter calls for a ride... so many things - My higher power is on my side and is showing me that I need to keep on this path to recovery... I believe that with all my heart.

While I am far from 'recovered' or even truly 'sober' (as I have had slips every 2 weeks since I started), I know that it is meant to be for me to find my way through this disease... too many chances I have been given... Too many good things put in my path since humblingly acknowledging that I am not ok, that this disease has a hold on me.

Although I am usually not one to drink and drive... toward the end, I did start to do that when I would run out of alcohol at home... My last bad drunk, I realized after the fact from looking at my debit statement that I had made not one but two trips to two different liquor stores that night.  Oh.  My.  God.  No recollection.   There but for the grace of god... I could have killed someone, been arrested (never have thank God) or killed myself.  

I have so many nutty stories that go along with my awful drinking... like falling through my glass shower door not once but twice last year... falling down the stairs, and worst of all at the end of this summer, my husband almost had to call someone to take me away because I was out of my mind drunk, infront of my kids... telling them, him and my father (who he had called for help with me) all about him being married before me, cheating on me (10 years ago), his drunk driving accident when he was 16 where 2 friends of his died... (he no longer drinks)... and all kinds of other stuff like being raped in a park when I was in college (and drunk, shocking right?).  Nobody knew these things, least of all my kids... I never wanted my kids to know about their father's history... or the fact that his ex lives in our town - I protected them fiercely for years from this... and then I did this to them, to him and to myself in a drunken rage... I have to live with this.  Nothing will ever undo this.   Horrible...

Yes, I am an alcoholic.  Yes, I have done things to damage my kids and their view of me (although up until that awful night, I had myself convinced that neither they nor my husband really realized how bad I was... because nobody ever complained about it to me).   Maybe they DIDN'T know... or maybe they did.  No matter.  I knew... and now that I know and accept... I am trying to do better.

My greatest hope beyond finding my own peace and serenity is that by showing them a positive role model now... it is not too late to redeem myself, just as they are getting to an age where they will be confrontinting issues about drinking, drugs and relationships.  Maybe they will learn from me and not repeat this pattern that runs through my family and their father's.  I pray that I get well and that they don't ever fall victim to this disease.  I always knew it was in my family, but I never thought I would fall victim to it.  Nobody does, I guess.

Well, if it could happen to me, a smart, relatively put together kind of woman who does anything she sets her mind to... it can happen to anybody... and so it has, over and over again...

Wow, I have a hell of a lot of work to do... one day at a time.  I'm so glad I found this website, have myself gonig to meetings, becoming more involved in the AA community, and confronting my issues...  but it is such an overwhelming task.  I need to slow my mind down and take it a minute at a time.  I got to my morning meeting today and will head to yoga in a bit and maybe another meeting tonight...

I recently read: Drinking, a Love Affair, by Carolyn Knapp and continue to read the steps for women, the big book and several other books on topic to keep my mind engaged in the reality that is my alcoholism.  It is the only way I know to start this journey and not stray from it. 

Jeanne