Hello... This is my first post to these boards. I am fairly new to AA, having just acknowledged my disease this past Summer. I have been going to meetings as much as I can and doing a lot of reading... trying my best to not pick up. I feel so good when I don't drink. I know for sure I am an alcoholic and have no control once I pick up. I have so much more clarity on this issue and I KNOW great things start to happen when I'm doing the right thing and taking care of myself and not drinking.
Yet, I find myself every week or two just impulsively purchasing alcohol, knowing I will drink it until it's gone... I do it in secret... for one night then I wake up full of remorse and self hatred and abstain again and get back to meetings. I have done this since August. Can't get more than 2 weeks straight of sobriety without that one binge night.
I know I need a sponsor. I have many numbers of great women I have met in AA, but my biggest problem is that I don't use them when I need them. I need to accept that I cannot do this alone. I know that I can't but I'm having so much trouble reaching out beyond a group meeting. I have come a long way in a few months... but I'm not succeeding in abstaining despite the fact that I know how dangerous this is.. and I know that I will feel awful mentally and physically the next day(s) after drinking... yet I am powerless. Yes, I know ... that is what alcoholism is. I am completely powerless once I decide to buy and drink alcohol.
So how do I stop doing this to myself every 2 weeks? To go from daily drinking of hard liquor (and a lot of it), to a binge every 2 weeks is something but it's not enough. I'm so discouraged. Since I acknowledged my alcoholism in August, I have gone to great lengths to do all the right things to support recovery: beyond meetings, I go to therapy (because my drinking is something that I did to numb deep emotional pain which is still part of my life). So I'm learning coping skills that I have not had for the last 15 years. I seriously numbed everything and just stopped growing as a person for the last 5 years in particular... The therapy is helpful... the meetings are helpful... yoga & meditation is something new that I've come to love and need even more than the drink. I got back to the gym... got a new job... Everything is going well in my life because I have taken responsiblity for working on this disease and my emotional recovery, yet I havent been able to build any long term sobriety. Is this just part of the ups and downs of recovery in the first year?
This is my first time ever acknowledgeing my problem. I have been lucky to not have ever had to detox or have gotten into serious trouble. But alcohol has caused enough pain in in my life and the lives of my family members. I am in my 40's, mother of teenagers, married for a long time... but life as I knew it is over... and that is a good thing... but it's hard to change so many things and be at ease despite all the good work I'm doing. I am having a hard time dealing with my 'embarrassment' and 'shame' now that people are noticing that I'm not drinking socially... Thanksgiving was hard for me... Not to abstain... I was determined to do that, but to know that people were aware that I have a problem. I just found myself the next day in a really bad place emotionally... I cried to my husband that I no longer knew who I was? ... he went out last night... the kids were out... and I drank my pain away. Again. Full of remorse and shame. Again. Starting another 24 hours of sobriety. Again. I could have about 15 24 hour chips by now if I picked one up everytime I started over since August.
Jeanne wrote:The therapy is helpful... the meetings are helpful... yoga & meditation is something new that I've come to love and need even more than the drink. I got back to the gym... got a new job... Everything is going well in my life because I have taken responsiblity for working on this disease and my emotional recovery, yet I havent been able to build any long term sobriety. Is this just part of the ups and downs of recovery in the first year?
This is my first time ever acknowledgeing my problem.
Welcome, pull up a chair and set awhile, you're home
To answer the bolded portion, no, one has to have physical sobriety for it to be the ups and downs of recovery, what you are describing are the ups and downs of active alcoholism, "Recovery" starts after we stop drinking, Relapse isn't a part of "Recovery", Relapse is part of the disease of Alcoholism
Here are some of the methods we have tried: Drinking beer only, limiting the number of drinks, never drinking alone, never drinking in the morning, drinking only at home, never having it in the house, never drinking during business hours, drinking only at parties, switching from scotch to brandy, drinking only natural wines, agreeing to resign if ever drunk on the job, taking a trip, not taking a trip, swearing off forever (with and without a solemn oath), taking more physical exercise, reading inspirational books, going to health farms and sanitariums, accepting voluntary commitment to asylums we could increase the list ad infinitum.
If I could increase that list to include "today's society" (as this was written before meetings) I would include "tried going to some AA meetings" -but didn't work the steps-
You have your answers, they are written in your post, next step is implementing them, you have learned getting in touch with your feelings hasn't stopped you from drinking, you have learned that knowledge of your condition hasn't stopped your drinking, you have learned therapy hasn't stopped your drinking, you have learned meeting attendance hasn't stopped your drinking, you have learned exercise hasn't stopped your drinking, you have learned Yoga hasn't stopped your drinking, you have learned that a new job hasn't stopped your drinking
It seems you are running out of options
The steps worked for us, they may work for you too
So if you are on step one, you are admitting you are powerless over alcohol and your life is unmanageable
That is a great start believe it or not, we all had to get to that place, next we surrendered, and asked for help
We do that literally, both at Group level and a personal level, we get numbers and we use them, and we get a sponsor that many of us call EVERY DAY in early sobriety
step 2 is coming to believe that a power greater can restore you to sanity
AA is a power greater then you and it has helped millions, do you think it might be able to help you?
It will give you back precisely what you give it, for those of us that surrendered everything, it gave us everything back
Step 3 is we make a decision to turn our will and our life over to the care of God as we understand God
How do we do that?
We let a sponsor take us through steps 4-9, upon ariving at 10 we have been restored to sanity, by 12 we have HAD a spiritual awakening as THE result of the steps
In the beginning of every meeting you hear "How it works" being read, have you ever paid close attention to it is telling you and what it is asking of you?
Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.
Our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like, what happened, and what we are like now. If you have decided you wantwhat we have and are willing to go to any length to get it then you are ready to take certain steps.
At some of these we balked. We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.
Remember that we deal with alcohol, cunning, baffling, powerful! Without help it is too much for us. But there is One who has all power that One is God. May you find Him now!
Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. we asked His protection and care with complete abandon.
Here are the steps we took, which are suggested as a program of recovery:
do 90 in 90
get a sponsor
work the steps
take commitments
sponsor newcomers
That formula works
I have rarely seen a person fail that thoroughly followed that path
pinch your nose, close your eyes, and jump, ask for help halfway down, we'll be here to welcome you and tell you the waters just fine
I am an Atheist/Agnostic/Heathen/Pagan so Religious beliefs are no bar to spiritual awakenings, we define a spiritual awakening as a personality change sufficient to bring about recovery from alcoholism, our more religious members call it "God Consciousness"
Jeanne wrote:
So how do I stop doing this to myself every 2 weeks?
I know I need a sponsor.
You answer your own questions actually
The answer is contained in the first 164 pages of the book our Fellowship is based on and is named after, you have your answer, it's just time to become willing to go to any lengths
The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink. Except in a few cases, neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense. His defense must come from a Higher Power.
What you came looking for, you came looking with, now it is time to access your Higher Power by working the steps, an unsuspected inner resource that is found within that the steps will give you access to that will enable you to recover from this pitiless and fatal disease
please keep coming back, we care so much, we really really do, you really are "home"
-- Edited by LinBaba on Saturday 27th of November 2010 02:29:00 PM
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
Aloha Jeanne...I relate clearly and reading your post reminded me of an early awareness about alcohol and myself which was I didn't own it, it owned me and would continue to own me inspite of my wants, wishes or feelings. Alcoholism was once described metaphorically as the "Sleeping Tiger" that lays in my gut. Everything is fine when it naps and then it wakes up and stretches and extends it's claws right into my stomach lining. It demands to be fed. It can be put on a diet for a short while and will always demand to return to when it was fed most.
That metaphor works wonders for me. I've been alcohol free for a long time and often alcohol free and sober at the same time. I will always have the compulsion of the alcoholic and the tiger which has been asleep for years still stirs. The program for me is the alternative to drinking. I don't drink, I participate in the program...my recovery.
Knowing you are powerless over alcohol is a thinking thing an awareness thing and this disease is a disease of the mind, body, spirit and emotions all at the same time all on the same levels as I was taught. I had to act like I believed the 1st step. I got the second part of the 1st step down fast but the first part took a long while. I was willing to suspend my drinking entirely until I became fully convinced that "I was powerless over alcohol..." Constant meetings...90/90 was asked and I got about 102+/90. I still wasn't convinced and didn't drink. I talked and listened to more not drinking drunks than anyone would think was fun or necessary and I stayed in "submission" that mental place which Dr. Harry Tibout (big friend of AA and participant in our recovery program) where I accept for today that I am powerless but there will come a time when I can drink safely; the difference between the conscious and subconscious. I went to college on the disease and thank my HP that I would participate in that option because being very ADD I didn't and don't do well with focus.
You're here now and still reaching out for help. "Humility is being teachable" and as I remained humble without picking up another bottle I came to learn and accept that I am powerless over alcohol. I don't like people, places or things which attempt to control me or force me to yell Uncle. Alcohol was the last thing I said that to.
Practice steps 2 and 3 like you use to drink; just as intensely cause you need much more help then you have gotten up until now...Higher Power. The job the yoga, the gym etc...Alcohol can take that stuff down in a flash and often does. You need greater power, Higher power than anything else you have.
Glad you came looking...hope some of what you have already received supports your recovery.
I'm so glad I found this board... It is another tool I need. I'm here to stay. I'm in AA to stay. I have to be. I needed the reminder today that I truly am still 'active' despite the efforts I am putting in to be truly sober and recovering. I found a woman's step group that I like a lot and we just started the steps from the beginning last week. Perfect. I think there are some good women in this group and maybe one of them will be willing to sponsor me.
All the tools are here and I know that message boards for me are also a great tool. I have used them in other situations for support in my life and they have been so helpful.
Welcome to the MIP family....sounds like you are very proactively doing all the good things, a womans step meeting, great, maybe you'll find that Sponsor....someone that knows and has worked the Steps, your guide thur them...and a relationship that has the potential for a lifetime.....
Although I wouldn't recommend my path to anyone, I was also a chronic relapser my first several months in AA even though I was doing everything "right" (got a sponsor, worked the steps, etc.) Each relapse got worse and I went from drinking two bottles of wine a night when I came into AA to drinking a fifth of vodka a day for several days in a row during my last relapse, ending up in the ER with a BAC of 0.31. I could have died. That experience, the increased involvement of my friends and family, and a new sponsor who is a much better fit for me makes me believe that will be my last relapse -- I no longer have any urge to drink, the obsession has been lifted, which feels like a miracle given how strong my cravings had been previously. But I think it took that interim period of "relapse mode" to get me here. Stick with it -- maybe you're someone who just takes some extra time to "get it" too.
When the pain of drinking becomes so bad that you are willing to do anything to just not drink and stay sober ,then you will know that its time to stop for good . Even tho you will accomplish this one day at a time and you will experience the ups and downs. Eventually these will all even out and things will be smooth as long as you work the steps and rely on a God of your understanding.
You just started addressing this pattern of relapse by telling on yourself. Telling on your disease is a critical part of staying sober. You need to start telling on it before it takes hold of you and has you at the liqour store. This means call someone as soon as you get the thought. You need to hit the interrupt button because it is instinctive for you to want to drink. Addictions defy logic and you need to simply behave differently at first. That is why the 90/90, sponsorship, and hard work from the start is recommended. Keep telling on your own disease. Do it with a sponsor. Make yourself more accountable so you will stop fooling yourself that you can still drink in secret and it won't hurt anyone. You are right that you cannot do this alone. So....let more people in. You sound like you are gaining great knowledge, but this is one area where you need to surrender a bit more. Prayers are with you.
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
When you find yourself purchasing alcohol after that two week hiatus, is there something particular that triggers it? Do feelings of anxiety and restlessness become so overwhelming that you fear you can't cope?
You may just be feeling physical withdrawal symptoms, and end up drinking to suppress them. You might want to consider detox r outpatient treatment to get you through the first couple of weeks.
Just an option.
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Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's, and unto God that which is God's.
Great advice everybody... I am meeting with a possible sponsor (finally) next week before our woman's bb meeting. It's about time... I've been going to meetings since September and have had the true desire to stop drinking but have not had the success because as we all know willpower alone and good intentions are not gonna cut it til we work the program. I am really determined to get involved now and make this happen. Sponsor, the steps... I need to use the tools that are there. It's taken me 3 months of meetings to finally come to terms with the fact that it's about more than that... The steps are the next thing I need to begin. I'm gonna read thru the whole book this week and then hopefully really get into it with the help of a sponsor. I do NOT want to continue to drink and small bits of sobriety followed by a day or two of drunkenness is not ok. I know enough about AA and the experiences of others to know that it's only downhill from here. I'm grateful and lucky that I seem to have had a high bottom so far. I want to keep it that way. Never want to experience inpatient detox, jail, accidents and all the other 'yet's that I have been lucky enough to avoid so far.
Good luck to you. I wouldn't be to quick to lump detox in with jail or accidents, because detox is voluntary and those things aren't.
Also you don't have to do it in some homeless shelter or bleak mental ward. Your doctor might just admit you to a normal med-surge wing of a local hospital for a few days to get past any withdrawal symptoms. The staff there sees stuff like that ALL the time and will be VERY understanding. Just something to think about.
Oh and by the way, GOD LOVES YOU AND HE IS DEFINITELY THERE. Do not feel lonely.
-- Edited by zzworldontheweb on Thursday 2nd of December 2010 10:59:19 PM
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Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's, and unto God that which is God's.
Agreed -- my last relapse snowballed because I was staving off serious withdrawals. When I was taken to the ER I went through a medical detox that was SO much more bearable than if I had tried to do it alone. It's a day or two in the hospital (or was for me -- if you're working you could do it over a weekend) and then I was sent home with anti-anxiety mess to taper off over the subsequent couple of days. Also, the experience of being hospitalized really brought home for me how serious my problem really was and helped create a "bright line" signifying the end of my drinking. Just my two cents.
Thanks all... Just to let you know, my new name is this name: "A better way". (I was just 'Jeanne'). I know I already put an awful lot of personal stuff out there under my actual name but it's ok... from this point on I will keep a lower profile for those who just lurk here and aren't members with profiles. I love to share and need to share and I feel better about doing it with this name.
Thank you for all the support. I am headed to a meeting soon...
I just wanted to mention in terms of the comments re: detox... I am pretty sure I weathered that storm back in September when did a 5 week voluntary outpatient program for dual diagnosis (anxiety/depression). I also experimented with taking campral, and antabuse to get me through the early weeks. Yes, I have had slips since then but not extensive days of drinking so the worst of my 'detox' is over. Yes, I did sweat, had major bouts of anxiety attacks which had me forgetting my PIN number and other things; major 'confusion' at the height of it... really unsettling awful feelings. Naturally, I had the shakes, the paranoia and just severe despair and fearfulness. I cried, I denied, I cried some more and slowly I worked my way to a bunch of meetings, did some reading, reached out and JUST KEPT COMING to the meetings. Now I'm at the point to really put the petal to the metal and get involved and work it. Three months of meetings: Helpful, educational, sobering (no pun intended). But not enough. I believe that I have a long, long way to go, but I also know that I have come a long way in acceptance and am working on surrender. I can't imagine what it would feel like to be involuntarily committed... that terrifies me and I think of it often... if I drink maybe this could happen --- if not something even worse. I think that back in August, my husband was very close to having to do something drastic like that. I thank God that he didn't react quickly and called my father instead of an ambulance or the police when I was raging and out of control during my last awful drunk which happened in full view of my young teenagers (and probably within earshot of half the neighborhood since we were in my backyard). I hit a low enough bottom to know that I had crossed the line and it was time... time to face everything I had been numbing with alcohol and time to put the bottle down. I hope to God that I continue to understand this and work the program the way it is meant to be worked. I know I'm in the right place here and am building up a great network of understanding, tough supporters in my local meetings.
If the bottom was low enough...you wouldn't be having slips. Each time you drink you are really adopting the attitude that the bottom you described was not low enough. Having been to AA as long as you have now, and having admitted surrender, all that will happen when you drink now is crushing demoralization and setbacks. So don't drink no matter what! Get busy and work steps 1 through 3. You said you believe in a higher power...That higher power intervened to keep you out of an institution or jail. You are so blessed to have not progressed to that stage of alcoholism. Now you have to work to keep your disease arrested and help others to not get to that point through your own experience, strength, and hope. I look forward to hearing more about all you are learning.
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
