Hi, Im Alex and im an alcoholic. I call myself alcoholic, but it took me a while to actually state that. At first I like to say alcoholic addict bum loser etc, but now I'm just an alcoholic.
For the longest time I didn't know if I was dead or alive. I wasn't quite dead because I was walking around, talking and thinking, but I knew damn sure I wasn't alive either. I was like a zombie, I had no heart, only a brain. All I cared about was eating other people and feeding myself. I even looked like a zombie. I pretty much gave all drugs their equal oppertunity, but I guess the form of alcohol which brought me across that line was heroin. I never wanted to cross that line, and sometimes my mind still tries to tell me that Im not an alcoholic. I can have just one drink. This is when I know I havn't been going to enough meetings and calling my sponsor enough.
For the longest time I didn't know the difference between self esteem and ego. I thought the two were the same. I only did things to please other people, and when they were amused or gave me compliments or thought I was cool, I felt good about myself. I never knew how to generate my own self esteem. Even when I was a little kid things made me feel good that should never make you feel good. I enjoyed seeing people fail, and do worse than me. It made me feel good to be superior to someone in some way. I felt jealousy and envy since I can remember, maybe because I never had a father and always envied kids who did.
I got sober on Oct. 5th, 2010, the day after my daughter was born. My bottom doesnt involve losing my house, job, or lying in the gutter with nothing. I had my job still, my house, and a loving family. My bottom was an emotional bottom. I remember being in that hospital, and every father says their first born is the happiest day of their life. Many cry like a baby themselves. I felt nothing. Watching my daughter being born into the world, I tried my hardest to shed a tear, I tried my damn hardest to feel something, but I felt nothing. All I felt was that I was dead inside. I've never felt that low in my life, I felt like a disgusting piece of shit, and I realized I hated myself. That night I dropped the bomb on the mother of my child, who I had been lying to about my addiction for a year. She was shocked. I tried to detox myself, and couldnt and finally the next day after 2 E.R. stays, checked myself into a rehab center.
I never knew how to love myself. I had no reasons I wanted to live for myself. Every time I thought of reasons to live, All I could think of was "well my mom will be sad if I die", my daughter wont have a father, my sister will be devestated, etc, etc. I never had any reasons for me. I had no idea how to show love to myself. I asked an old timer in AA (now my sponsor) one day, and I said to him crying. How do I show love to myself? What are reasons I want to live for me, because I cant think of anything. This is what he told me:
"God put you on this earth for a reason." This is something that I had lost somewhere in my life. I always looked at myself as an outcast, one of gods forgotten children. The moment he said that I felt the presence of god come back to me. He said " when you're sitting down having that last cup of coffee with god, hes gonna ask Did you enjoy yourself? Did you live a meaningful life?" I never knew the difference between joy and fun. I had to look it up. Fun is something that provides amusement. Joy is theemotionofgreatdelightorhappinesscausedbysomethingexceptionallygoodorsatisfying. At that point I realized what I guess I had known all along, but needed that reminder.
All those reasons I thought I was living for other people, I want to live for me. I want to be a good son, a good husband, a good father for ME. I want god to be pround of me. When I've reached the end of the road, I want god to smile at my life and put his arm around me, and just smile. I want to be pround of myself, and pround of my life. I thank god I found A.A. , and it truly saved my life.
My name is Alex, im 23 years old, and have been sober 45 days. Thank you all for showing me that life outside of drugs and alcohol does exist. Thank you for giving me hope to live another day, and showing me the beauty of life. Thank you god for giving me my life back, one day at a time. Life passes you by like a dream in the night, and I'm not going to waste another day being drunk or high. God bless you all.
(((Alex))) Welcome to the board - it is lovely to have you here.
It was one night while I was yet again walking the streets in a drunken stupor after having caused more mayhem that for some reason I looked up at the sky and the stars were shinning brightly and all of a sudden I sopke to those stars and cried......."God, you can't have put me on the planet for this". That was the beginning of my journey into AA and a life today I couldn't have dreamed of.
I never want to go back to where I was again. Ever. It was a nightmare. Horrendous.
I am the child of 2 alcoholic parents and have never felt loved and wanted - they were incapable of showing me that, however, all that changed in AA. I think I found the best family in the world for me!.
Well done on your 45 days! Brilliant! Good for you!
Welcome and congratulations on 45 days. I was a "high" bottm as well, but boy it didn't feel high did it. How is thinking "death is better than this" high. I am glad you are here and thanks for helping me stay sober today.
Aloha Alex and boy is this a family...we all identify with each other and own a part of each others' stories. Mine is much like yours and one of the things I found out in early recovery was that I arrived because I couldn't outrun God. I don't have to prove anything to someone or thing that loves me unconditionally. And that for me is now the character of my Higher Power. There is nothing I've been thru or done that has made my HP turn away from me. HP stayed and continued to direct whether I was following or not (mostly not then) me journey into the rooms of recovery. HP has never ever stopped loving me and I'll bet when you have that conversation with your HP you will hear the same thing.
Stick with what you have been doing for the last 45 days and stay humble, teachable so that two of the things you will delight in is both your child's birth and your own. Keep coming back here and help us continue to stay clean and sober. Yours in love and service.
I have to remember that I stay sober ..one day at a time .. with Gods help .. with the help of applying AA's steps and participating in the fellowship.
And, I also stay sober with the help of my loving husband and family. They are all so important to my recovery and my spiritual growth.
I have to remember that I am to practice the principles in all my affairs , and since Im only at an AA meeting or event/function approx 3-5 hours a week, a good majority of the remainder of my hours are spent with my loved ones.
God does have a specific purpose for each and every one of Us and He loves us all more than we will ever know.
I am thankful that God has allowed me to live .. and to live long enough to really , truely believe in miracles, and have the good life that I have today.
Hi Alex, great first post, and welcome to the board. Congrats on a new way of life, 45 days, being a husband, and a father, and having a job, and knowing that you don't have to lose all to be "an alcoholic". I felt just like you did, all dead inside. The only way I knew that I was alive was by engaging in risky behavior. It was the closest thing to "living in the moment" that I knew. I how releived I was to learn that all that I had to do, to live in the moment was to have a continuous atitude of gratitude and a daily relationship with my higher power. Hang in there and buy time. It takes time to build your sober identity.
Thank you all for the support, kind words, and encouragement. At first I didn't think posting on a message board would come anything close to face to face support, but I decided to post anyways. And boy, it does work. I guess no matter how far away an alcoholic reaching out to another alcohoic is an alcoholic reaching out to another alcoholic. I look forward to sharing my experience, strenght and hope with you all. Thank you for letting me share and thank you for letting me be here! -Alex
