I recently made an amends to someone I thought I never would. An ex best friend who was screwing my husband. (sorry about being so blunt) This is a person I shared everything with. When I was having marital problems I would vent to her. So boy did she have it all in a nut shell. My part was I should never have shared information to anyone except a marriage councerlor so that is my bad. I have learned thru the program that I can only take responsibility in what I do wrong. I have no control over what someone else does. They have to make that right for themselves. So after hating her for um lets say about 10 years I wrote her a e-mail. She still hangs with my ex and my kids have to be around her at times. I have a daughter who is getting married and the ex friend might be there. My daughters are polite and respectful to her but really don't acknowledge her much when she is around. I don't want the past to be an issue at the wedding . So one day I woke up and it hit me to send her a message. It was as follows.. " I am tired of hateing you. Even tho we will never be friends I don't want to be enemies either. Its been to long to hold a grudge. " Now Im not sure I made the amends right, but it is a start. lol I have recieved no response which is ok. I did it for me, and the sake of peace at the wedding. I want to show my girls that I have moved on. I was going to say I forgive you but, it would have fallen on death ears. She didn't think she did anything wrong. So like I said only she can right her wrongs. I feel good about it and even tho she did not repond tells my that she is still out in the madness and I by the grace of God am living in the solution. Not sure this makes sense to anyone but helped me to write it down. I didn't even go into detail about all she did and that in itself shows growth in me. Because it no longer matters what SHE did. Only how I react and handle it now. Have a blessed day my friends!
if you have a complete willingness (which you do) to make amends for your part in a situation (which you do) and are ready to take the full consequences for your part in past actions (which you do) and to take responsibility for the well being of others at this same time, (page 87 in 12 by 12) this is the very spirit of step Nine. So, dear Susie, you are growing in a spiritual way. peace be with you today because you are doing the right thing. jj
I have to remind my sponsees (as I was reminded !) that although it may sound selfish we are doing these things for us. To keep our side of the street clean.
Sometimes even though I don't even see a real wrong necessarily on my part - I will make some kind of an amends (or build a bridge) to ....how can I say this.....to kind of ......."get rid of a niggling thought" in my mind.
I think you have handled this with utter grace and dignity. love Karen xx
re My part was I should never have shared information to anyone except a marriage councerlor so that is my bad.
Susie, you trusted a best friend. That is not YOUR bad.
I understand completely why you made the amends you did. I would have done similar - especially since there are others ( kids) involved. But you having done bad? NO.
Sorry, I know you're not looking for opinion but I don't see it as fair to yourself to think you did anything bad. You didn't. You trusted a best friend.
Cracking up at Deans reply!! Ha it is very true! ha ha any ways thank you all for your responses. It makes me think I might be working my program in a good way!! Northern lights thank you for your kind thoughts. When I write on here I am always in a way asking for opinions!
I recently made an amends to someone I thought I never would. An ex best friend who was screwing my husband. (sorry about being so blunt) This is a person I shared everything with. When I was having marital problems I would vent to her. So boy did she have it all in a nut shell. My part was I should never have shared information to anyone except a marriage councerlor so that is my bad. I have learned thru the program that I can only take responsibility in what I do wrong. I have no control over what someone else does. They have to make that right for themselves. So after hating her for um lets say about 10 years I wrote her a e-mail. She still hangs with my ex and my kids have to be around her at times. I have a daughter who is getting married and the ex friend might be there. My daughters are polite and respectful to her but really don't acknowledge her much when she is around. I don't want the past to be an issue at the wedding . So one day I woke up and it hit me to send her a message. It was as follows.. " I am tired of hateing you. Even tho we will never be friends I don't want to be enemies either. Its been to long to hold a grudge. " Now Im not sure I made the amends right, but it is a start. lol I have recieved no response which is ok. I did it for me, and the sake of peace at the wedding. I want to show my girls that I have moved on. I was going to say I forgive you but, it would have fallen on death ears. She didn't think she did anything wrong. So like I said only she can right her wrongs. I feel good about it and even tho she did not repond tells my that she is still out in the madness and I by the grace of God am living in the solution. Not sure this makes sense to anyone but helped me to write it down. I didn't even go into detail about all she did and that in itself shows growth in me. Because it no longer matters what SHE did. Only how I react and handle it now. Have a blessed day my friends!
I literally do not understand
an amends is "righting a wrong", I understand finally letting go of the resentment, and even notifying her you are letting go of the resentment, sometimes people do bad things to us, I had a similar situation with my mother a few years ago, where I said my part was blah blah blah and my friends/sponsor said "No Andrew, your part was you trusted someone who was supposed to love you and protect you, that's it"
You trusted your friend and she banged your husband, now unless there is something you haven't told us or admitted to yourself, there is no amends needed there IMO
There may be some wrongs we can never fully right. We don't worry about them if we can honestly say to ourselves that we would right them if we could. Some people cannot be seen - we sent them an honest letter. And there may be a valid reason for postponement in some cases. But we don't delay if it can be avoided. We should be sensible, tactful, considerate and humble without being servile or scraping. As God's people we stand on our feet; we don't crawl before anyone.
As my old Grandsponsor put it, "We don't lead with our chin"
"You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves..." - Mary Oliver
I truly understand how important it is/was for you to let go of the resentment, but IMO the amends was to yourself, not to her, and the wrong you righted was you gave yourself permission to let go of the resentment
Please understand I could be completely off base and out of line here, if so I deeply apologize, it's just "my take" on it
__________________
it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
I would probably call what Susie has done more "building a bridge" for her own sake and I can understand entirely why.
Sometimes I think that to do that can bring me more peace and whatever brings me more peace is what I'm after. The rest I couldn't care less about. I don't think she has bowed or scrapped at all.
A friend of mine always says with a glint in her eye "if you choose to allow somebody to think they have the upperhand but you are doing the "choosing and giving of the upperhand" for your own benefit.....who actually has the upperhand ?" Here it's not even a case of the upperhand. What this woman did has been done and that can't be changed - peace for Susie I feel is the only criteria here.
It's like allowing my flatmate to think he has control - he doesn't but sometimes I will let him think he has - for a peaceful life for me.....for MY benefit.
*smiling* I can't tell you the kind of amends I would like to make to that woman - not the kind the program would approve of I can tell ya !!!!!!
What goes around comes around - her time will come! OOHH! How utterly vindictive is THAT Karen!!! Disgraceful!!!!!
OK Karen......get back in your box now!!!!!! Come on!!!! Sunday morning.....be peaceful !!!!
Hope my boyfriend doesn't read this - giving all my secret tools away!!!!!
Ahhh .... I see what I did more clearly. I have been told in every situation we play a part. I agree. I guess it was a resentment I was getting rid of. Good call LB. Well all and all it was very good to get rid of. lol and Karen I was told that it is perfectly normal to wish to do all bad things to this woman. lol As long as we really don't do them ha ha. Like St. Pete said. I have wished her horrible deaths but now im ok with natural causes. that so cracks me up.!! She is living a pretty miserable life i have been told so you are right when you say what goes around comes around!! Peace and serenity to all my MIP friends!! My friends on here are sooo smart :)
Susie, I look up to you and are proud that you were able to make that amends. I still have people that I cringe when i think of making amends to, and I feel it is so hard, like my father. but for you to be able to do this gives me hope that I can one day make amends to my father. Although I did nothing wrong, I feel I need to make amends for holding on to that resentment for so long. I no longer want to hate my father for not being there for me. Like you said it no longer matters what he did, but how I can handle it now. I admire you for this. I guess you dont have to be at a meeting to hear something you need to hear,you can be anywhere, because this is defenitely something that gives me hope!!!
an amends is "righting a wrong", I understand finally letting go of the resentment, and even notifying her you are letting go of the resentment, sometimes people do bad things to us, I had a similar situation with my mother a few years ago, where I said my part was blah blah blah and my friends/sponsor said "No Andrew, your part was you trusted someone who was supposed to love you and protect you, that's it"
You trusted your friend and she banged your husband, now unless there is something you haven't told us or admitted to yourself, there is no amends needed there IMO
lIN BABA
Not every resentment leads to making an amends. We right wrongs.
If you go through step 4 and can not match up one of the 7 deadly sins (as listed in the literature), this may not be amends territory.
The guy that screwed my wife was not exactly a friend, someone I could barely stand to begin with. I was clueless. This went on for 5 years, which corresponded to the last 5 years of my marriage and the first 5 years of my sobriety. I was so naieve that I actually believed that she hated this person. I certainly heard about it often enough. I was her sympathetic ear, with all her stories of this "hated" co-worker. When I found out - at the same time I found out my wife was leaving me for someone else - it was sort of like the light bulb in the stupid part of my brain finally came on. It was all pretty painfully obvious.
Wife and this person did not get together, it was a fling thing. She went with someone else (still is today). As to the interloper, I have never seen him again except one time... I saw him in a store as I pulled in to the parking lot, and I turned around and pulled back out. That's as close as I ever came. I don't feel I owe him an amends, or anything else. I just don't ever want to be around him, ever. As I said, I didn't have much use for him before I knew, certainly not after.
It does change your whole concept of trust.
There are people in my life that I consider adversaries. Rivals, competitors - regardless of how much at odds we may be, there is some mutual respect. This describes most of the people I've come into conflict with at one time or another. But I've accumulated a dozen or so that I have in a write-off pile. I wish them no ill will, I wish them no good will, I wish them to stay as far away from me as possible, and I'll gladly to my part in steering clear of them. I've generally been successful
But I've accumulated a dozen or so that I have in a write-off pile. I wish them no ill will, I wish them no good will, I wish them to stay as far away from me as possible, and I'll gladly to my part in steering clear of them. I've generally been successful
I really like that.
This has been a hugely helpful thread for me. Thanks for sharing Susie and I wish that 'friend' all misery !
lol...Thank you all. Your post have helped my insight ! I have really, really , really struggled with this for sometime. She was very sneaky about what she did. The funnly thing is when we were freinds I knew that she slept with another one of her friends husband for some time. She also slept with my brother in law. Duh.....Im an alcoholic. I thought I was special. That she wouldnt have done that to me ha ha ha. She wanted what I had. Well guess what!! she got it. A alcoholic man....who is abusive....a nagging mother in law (they are not married but she has to contend with her) There is no love there only drinking and crazy life style. I have heard they crashed his harley one nite. they live in chaos. I use to miss it but now that im in the solution it is so much easier. (my ex has money and she has none) so that must be a reason to put up with his abuse too! I took my money and ran lol. I now have a wonderful life with a man who also chooses to live in the solution so all is good. But I needed to put my hatred to rest. Like bariax say I wish her not ill will......only natural disease like st. pete said lol lol......God that helps. Have a great day freinds and thanks for the help.
) that although it may sound selfish we are doing these things for us. To keep our side of the street clean. 
