Prior to recovery I drank from injustice, irritation, and stress, rarely would I have called it anger. In sobriety I can more clearly see that I do experience anger, and more often than I would thought of a person trying to practice serenity. That anger almost always rears it's head at work. I was told that feeling anger is not wrong. My actions, specifically certain reactions are problematic. In my case, some times good things have come of blowing my top and yelling at others, dependent on how I handled it.

First one baddddd outcome- I'm too scared to yell at my bosses, so I have yelled about other problem co-workers to my bosses instead. This experience of losing my cool is EXTREMELY disturbing and painful to me. Once I didn't yell but was internally furious. I thought it had passed with resolution, however I will point out that particular night I was in a wobbly and crappy spiritual state for most of the week, and an hour after the anger incident was when I relapsed for a night on June 13th after one year and two weeks worth of 24's in an active program.

Another time, I delved into a well-marked mud bog by sucumbing to a yelling match with a white-knuckling co-worker who is miserable and itching to go at any time. I decided to make amends for the comments I made, the behavior I did, regardless of his. It meant listening with out rebutal and with honest compassion to his point of view at a sit down appointment which I initiated. Outcome: although everyone at sometime is his scapegoat, over the last six months, he and I are golden and sometimes I realize we've actually shared a joke. Whether I like him or not, makes work loads more pleasant.

I fell apart and screamed for a few minutes at my husband. Frustrated with mangled communication with a likely alcoholic and seeing a future of rocky road I exploded over a fairly minuscule item. Result: he stayed out of house for 5 days. I made amends for screaming. Extent of my disturbance led me to re-think waiting on Alanon. I am now in Alanon. While drinking situation at home is same or worse, I feel significantly better and the relationship is more pleasant and fulfuling despite the elephant sized bottle in the living room.


I empathize with you Mark. I don't like feeling angry even if I don't yell. I don't like disturbance. It's uncomfortable. Sometimes I wonder if the level of disturbance at work indicates that I don't have to be a bartender any more and it's time to take the plunge. However, right now so many around here are floating around with out any job lifesaver in sight. I feel like I keep asking and receiving the answer that I have valuable lessons that can be had while maintaining my current job state. So I try to stay in gratitude for what I have now and remain open.

I hope you find peace with your situation.

-- Edited by angelov8 on Friday 19th of November 2010 03:26:03 AM

Hey Mark, how about  employing the spiritual axiom (10th step)?

"

The Answer to All Your Problems

This Big Book acceptance can then become the answer to the spiritual axiom contained in the Tenth Step discussion in AAs Twelve and Twelve:

It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us.

The Big Book leads us into the discussion on acceptance as the answer to all my problems, by explaining this relationship between disturbance and acceptance:

When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation some fact of my life unacceptable to me.

So, following the spiritual axiom, when I am disturbed, what is wrong with me is my lack of acceptance of some fact of my life. The solution to the disturbance then becomes acceptance of the people, place, things, and situations of my life.

Change the Things We Can

The Big Book notes that this acceptance is only that everything is exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.

It doesnt mean that you dont start working for change in the very next moment!

After all, the next line of the Serenity Prayer asks for the courage to change the things we can.

But the acceptance has worked a vitally important change in your attitude: you can now begin working for change from a place of acceptance instead of a place of resistance.

And that makes all the difference"

To me, this is steps 4 - 7, with the crux being "This is the step that seperates the men from the boys" because this is where it gets hardest, most difficult, and most cruel, this is where I eat the bitterest pills, and have struggled the most, and had the most pain

While I can not give you any concrete and tangilble answer to this specific situation, I can tell you what I did and still do

Jack Kornfield wrote "My beginning students are beset with problems of finance and romance....my advanced students are beset with the same problems, they just have better tools and are a little bit better at it"

So that to me, says this never really goes away, we just get better at it, my father moved to the wooda and became a Taoist hermit, after 20 years we were talking and he said "Son, you are going to have to find a different way, running away and hiding from these assholes didn't work, no matter where you go, there they are"

or as I pointed out, "there I am too Dad"

This, to me is the crux of the whole deal, the recurring problem I see people in all stages of sobriety have to deal with, again and again, whether it be family members, work related, this is the "real deal" and one that catchy phrases don't work on, I still encounter many forms of this IN ME, and I use many tools

In my first decade of doing this deal, I finally decided I don't "play well with others" when I found myself with this situation and so I started my own company, I hired only sober people, and only took clients that I liked, that worked to a certain degree, a lot actually, so one option is changing our environment to get away from toxic people

This is part of what Dean talks about when he says "Change the things we can", change our outside circumstances, or if we can't do that, change our insides

I still think this is the correct answer in some cases (changing our outsides), but it doesn't work forever, and it doesn't cover all cases, because my disturbance is still found within, but it was INCREDIBLY helpful, so what do I do with the cases left over, because the world is full of sick people, we have many many tools

The first one I use, because it is ALWAYS true is

"People hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find we have made a decision based on self that placed us in a position to be hurt"

I try to find out what that decision based on self is, it's always there, that is what the spiritual axiom makes clear, if I am upset, there is something wrong with me

In many cases it's about "control" and "power" as in this person is doing something that is "my job", also every time I am upset with a recurring situation, I find I am absolutely displaying the same character defect I am angry about, I am intolerant of intolerance, bigoted against bigots, and I get angry at angry people

When we habitually try to manipulate others to our own willful desires, they revolt, and resist us heavily.  Then we develop hurt feelings, a sense of persecution, and a desire to retaliate.   As we redouble our efforts at control, and continue to fail, our suffering becomes acute and constant.  We have not once sought to be one in a family, to be a friend among friends, to be a worker among workers, to be a useful member of society.  Always, we tried to struggle to the top of the heap, or to hide underneath it.  This self-centered behavior blocked a partnership relation with any one of those about us.  Of true brotherhood, we had small comprehension!

So one idea I embrace, and hate, is put forth by a guy from "A Course in Miracles" where he takes the "If You Spot it, you got it" to a new level, his idea is that God puts people in our lives who have our very character defects in order for us to forgive them, and thus forgive ourselves, our indicator is if we get upset by their behavior, we possess this characteristic, we just need to figure out how and where it manifests itself in our lives and our control issues

Sadly enough, in some way shape or form, this has always has been proven accurate, it's a bitter pill, especially with recurring situations

The first thing apparent was that this world and its people were often quite wrong. To conclude that others were wrong w as as far as most of us ever got. The usual outcome was that people continued to wrong us and we stayed sore. Sometimes it was remorse and then we were sore at ourselves. But the more we fought and tried to have our own way, the worse matters got. As i n war, the victor only seemed to win. Our moments of triumph were short-lived.

It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenanc e and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feeling we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die.

If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison.

We turned back to the list, for it held the key to the future. We were prepared to look for it from an entirely different angle. We began to see that the world and its people really dominated us. In that state, the wrong-doing of others, fancied or real, had power to actually kill. How could we escape? We saw that these resentments must be mastered, but how? We could not wish them away any more than alcohol.

This was our course: We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick. Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too. We asked God to help us show them the same tole rance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves, "This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done."

We avoid retaliation or argument. We wouldn't treat sick people that way. If we do, we destroy our chance of being helpful. We cannot be helpful to all people, but at least God will show us how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and every one.

Referring to our list again. Putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done, we resolutely looked for our own mistakes. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened? Though a situation had not been entirely our fault, we tr ied to disregard the other person involved entirely. Where were we to blame? The inventory was ours, not the other man's. When we saw our faults we listed them. We placed them before us in black and white. We admitted our wrongs honestly and were willing to set these matters straight.

Many times for me, it has also been a form of not "enforcing my No"

I was working for a guy that gave "lowers" instead of raises, I struggled, I raged, I fought

I talked to other sober members of AA in my profession, in every case, they just walked away, they felt it was better to be unemployed for 2 months then to allow their dignity and integrity to be impugned

I stayed and "fought for my rights"

ultimately I lost, and ended up "taking the lower" and being angry, so in some cases it is a matter of having a high enough level of personal integrity to absolutely say "No" to some situations

I still always come back to:

The most common symptoms of emotional insecurity are worry, anger, self-pity, and depression.  These stem from causes which sometimes seem to be within us, and at other time to come from without.  To take inventory in this respect we ought to consider carefully all personal relationships which bring continuous or recurrent trouble.  It should be remembered that this kind of insecurity may arise in any area where instincts are threatened.  Questioning directed to this end might run like this:

if my disturbance was seemingly caused by the behavior of others, why do I lack the ability to accept conditions I cannot change? These are the sort of fundamental inquiries that can disclose the source of my discomfort and indicate whether I may be able to alter my own conduct and so adjust myself serenely to self-discipline.


*Suppose that financial insecurity constantly arouses these same feelings.  I can ask myself:


4)  To what extent have my own mistakes fed my gnawing anxieties.  And, if the actions of others are part of the cause, what can I do about that?  If I am unable to change the present state of affairs, am I willing to take the measures necessary to shape my life to conditions as they are? Questions like these, more of which will come to mind easily in each individual case, will help turn up the root causes. 

*It is from our twisted relations with family, friends, and society at large that many of us have suffered the most.  We have been especially stupid and stubborn about them.  The primary fact that we fail to recognize is our total inability to form a true partnership with another human being.  Our egomania digs tow disastrous pitfalls.  Either we insist upon dominating the people we know, or we depend upon them far too much.  I we lean too heavily on people, they will sooner or later fail us, for they are human, too, and cannot possibly meet our incessant demands.  In this way our insecurity grows and festers,   When we habitually try to manipulate others to our own willful desires, they revolt, and resist us heavily.  Then we develop hurt feelings, a sense of persecution, and a desire to retaliate.   As we redouble our efforts at control, and continue to fail, our suffering becomes acute and constant. We have not once sought to be one in a family, to be a friend among friends, to be a worker among workers, to be a useful member of society.  Always, we tried to struggle to the top of the heap, or to hide underneath it.  This self-centered behavior blocked a partnership relation with any one of those about us.  Of true brotherhood, we had small comprehension!

*Some will object to many of the questions posed, because they think their own character defects have not been so glaring.  To these it can be suggested that a conscientious examination is likely to reveal the very defects the objectionable questions are concerned with.

Because our surface record hasnt looked too bad, we have frequently been abashed to find that this is to simply because we have buried these selfsame defects deep down in us under thick layers of self-justification. Whatever the defects, they have finally ambushed us into alcoholism and misery.


Therefore, thoroughness ought to be the watchword when taking inventory.  In this connection, it is wise to write out our question and answers.  It will be an aid to clear thinking and honest appraisal.  It will be the first tangible evidence of our complete willingness to move forward!

another tool I use I got from Alanon, where I don't have to take on the mood of those around me

here is one way I saw it explained:

The Law of the Garbage Truck by David J. Pollay

 

How often do you let other peoples nonsense change your mood? Do you let a bad driver, rude waiter, curt boss, or an insensitive employee ruin your day? Unless youre the Terminator, youre probably set back on your heels. However, the mark of your success is how quickly you can refocus on whats important in your life.

Sixteen years ago I learned this lesson. And I learned it in the back of a New York City taxi cab. Heres what happened.

I hopped in a taxi, and we took off for Grand Central Station. We were driving in the right lane when all of a sudden, a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed on his brakes, the car skidded, the tires squealed, and at the very last moment our car stopped just one inch from the other cars back-end.

I couldnt believe it. But then I couldnt believe what happened next. The driver of the other car, the guy who almost caused a big accident, whipped his head around and he started yelling bad words at us. How do I know? Ask any New Yorker, some words in New York come with a special face. And he even threw in a one finger salute! I couldnt believe it!

But then heres what really blew me away. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean, he was friendly. So, I said, Why did you just do that!? This guy could have killed us! And this is when my taxi driver told me what I now call, The Law of the Garbage Truck. He said:

Many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they look for a place to dump it. And if you let them, theyll dump it on you.

So when someone wants to dump on you, dont take it personally. Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. Believe me. Youll be happier.

So I started thinking, how often do I let Garbage Trucks run right over me? And how often do I take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the street? It was then that I said, I dont want their garbage and Im not going to spread it anymore.

I began to see Garbage Trucks. Like in the movie The Sixth Sense, the little boy said, I see Dead People. Well now I see Garbage Trucks. I see the load theyre carrying. I see them coming to dump it. And like my taxi driver, I dont take it personally; I just smile, wave, wish them well, and I move on

 

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

-- Edited by LinBaba on Friday 19th of November 2010 01:53:19 PM

If someone gets your goat, move your goat to another pasture

*smiling* Now THAT'S one I haven't heard before! Love it!

I remember sharing in a meeting at nearly 3 years sober and this lady came up to me and said "You remind me of myself when I was in early sobriety, you are just SO ANGRY"  I felt a bit annoyed/angry actually that she had pointed it out - as in why doesn't she mind her own business!) - but she was so right. I was still full of alot of anger.

She suggested I could do with Alanon !!! WHAT !!!!!  Well I still couldn't tell you really how, but it truly helped me. It took me to a another level of acceptance I didn't have before. I qualified for Alanon due to my parents (and I guess my many AA friends !) and have learnt so much there.  My primary purpose and program will always remain AA but it has helped me enormously.

Martial Arts have proved an absolute Godsend too! *giggling*

Yes if I am upset about something, there is always something wrong with me but I still may choose to move my goat to a another pasture!!!!.....a greener one !

Karen xx

I have heard the *goat line* before too .. little differently tho - if someone keeps getting your goat, dont tell them where you have it tied up.

Id keep the job I have .. while looking for a new one.

Id pray, and pray some more for tolerance, patience, guidance and understanding.

Its obvious your boss has issues or problems or troubles and clearly is not dealing with them in the way that is or should be appropriate.

I LOVE Alanon and can apply its prinicples in many, many circumstances that I face and or live with today to help me achieve just the right amount of peace and love to not only help me stay sober, but keep me from actually blowing up and killing someone :)

pinkchip wrote:

---

I read myself stating in another post here that my goal was to be calm even if a bomb went off next to me... Nonetheless, I find that in sobriety I am quicker to get angry and I do have temper tantrum explosions that I didn't use to have when I drank.  Back then I would just break down before ever yelling and screaming.  I stick up for myself now, but I go way too far.  This disturbs me and I feel like I am giving my serenity away and not working the program every time I have some moment where I get so worked up I start yelling.  I would add, this really only happens in response to my boss that I can't stand and who I view as totally morally bankrupt and evil.  I have tried all the phrases I know from AA to get right in the head

Dont let someone live in your head rent free
Resentments are the number one offender
If someone gets your goat, move your goat to another pasture
When you point the finger 3 fingers are pointing back at you

Blah blah blah.  I friggin teach anger management to kids and still blow up sometimes...geesh.

I am considering 2 different things at the moment and they are opposed to each other:

1.  I am still very much a work in progress and 2 years sober makes me a toddler who throws little hissy fits and tantrums I guess.  I need to work on this.

2.  I am not a match for working with my boss cuz I have never been able to stand her.  She has annoyed the crap out of me since day 1 and maybe the problem is not all me and I need to find a new freakin job.

The real answer is probably in the middle of these things or it is both. 

I am interested if anyone else went through this at like 2 years sober. Kind of like "What the hell am I doing with my life?" combined with "Why do I keep losing my temper like a little kid?"

I also realize I talk like I know a lot of stuff on here but I don't clearly.  So help please.  But if you say something I don't like I will probably cyber scream at you like a little biatch...lol.

---

Anger is indeed. Powerful thing. Distorts judgment badly. Makes one do things they wouldn't do.

I agree with StPeteDean. The spiritual axiom, in proper context, is angood start.