my youngest daughter was here when i got home from work last night. It amazes me because i don't see her as often as my oldest how much she is growing. As a matter of fact i just looked in on her as she;s sleeping in my bed and happened to notice how her feet reach the end of the bed. I remember when was just a squirt of a little girl...growing today what we fondly refer to as ' speed bumps'...her feet are the same size as mine today...she's 11, will be 12 in february.
When i fell out of their lives she was 8. Where did the time go??
She went to camp a couple of weeks ago, apparently she got kissed by a boy!! Only on the cheek mom!! she tells me...
i swallowed those butterflies a couple weeks ago and called my ex...told him it was time that we are able to sit and talk about our girls like adults...he kept phoning my oldest daughter to ask what my problem is..what i have an issue about...she said "nothing, she just wants to talk..."
finally he came and picked me up..just getting into his car was weird!!.i suggested coffee, i said there is a robins coffee shop jsut down the street...he said.. robins?? i said yeah...just down the street..he said...well, i like Tims...i said..ok...Tims, robins...doesn't matter to me...good God..his reply was well,,,,you're going to ADOPT an attitude right off the bat...! Holy crap...my first thought was...how does one ADOPT an attitude...second thought was...i want out of this car, what on earth was i thinking??
so he drives to robins...ok...
i hadn't really planned on my words or anything..i just basically wanted to say that living in the past won't do him any good. I told him for the thousandth time how grateful i am that he was there for the girls. That i can't change anything i did, i can only work on today. Well i was with this man for 8 years, i swear he is SO stuck in the past it's not even funny. He's still talking about why i left him and blah blah blah. He said he refuses to let my youngest come live with me because he doesn't want to be alone. pffft
i said...it is the girls who are the important ones here today. I am not influencing her to come and live with me, i want her to be where SHE wants to be. Anyways on and on he went about how they don't listen to him, don't clean their rooms, won't do the dishes...blah, blah, blah. I said they are kids.
Convo turned to my youngest wearing makeup and how he won't let her. I said it won't kill her and she's just going to do it behind your back anyway. So she tells me last night that Dad is going to buy her som make-up. tee hee hee
he told me that it is his lawyer that wants him to take me to court for backpay for the years i was on the streets...i just said well you do what you feel you need to do..
by the time i got out of the car and said well thanks for the convo, he said well, you're the one who wanted to talk...i said, uh yeah, you did all the talking.( i wanted to say complaining..) i said i guess another time then. And off i went.
its a start i guess,i'm still kind of in shock that it happened at all. There was a time when i told anyone who would listen how much i hated him and had wronged me. If someone would have told me that i'd call him to initiate a meeting i would have laughed at them. I blamed alot of my drinking and using on that man...
its funny Phil, how when i think of him now i instantly see that dang monkey...ha ha ha
i guess what prompted this post though is how fast life passes us by. And that i can't change my past. If my youngest doesn't think of mom first to go to that's something i have to accept. I have to face the fact that i dropped out of their lives for almost 4 years. And that through that time they still kept growing. I missed what i missed, plain and simple.
I jsut gotta be grateful that i have today with them. I have today with a sober me if i choose it. I don't have to wallow in all that i lost i gotta remind myself of the things i've gained since getting clean and sober.
Which reminds me of something i wanted to bring up for discussion...comfort zone. My comfort zone used to be chaos. Being drunk, otherwise everything was foreign. When i was in a foriegn land then i created the chaos to feel comfortable. Sometimes i miss that kind of comfort, cause it's what i know and am used to. I've been in a foreign land now for a few days...sometimes i wonder when that comfort will be back, but know that is my disease talking. Most days procrastination reminds me of that old comfort zone. Another form of chaos, keeping on the back burner the things i know i gotta do. my next thought is comfort zone in sobriety, do you think that is the same thing as complacency?? The post about fear reminds me of procrastination, if i actually do the things i gotta do then what?? oh come on Wendy, my spirit says to my ego, there will always be more to do...sigh..
well, i guess that does it for my ramblings today.
I wish you all a sober 24, i'll take one myself. Got alot of things to put in my HP's hands today, my brain needs a rest:)
Wendy, I am so proud of you for putting yourself out there, gettin' in the car with the monkey. I know it wasn't easy.
You brought up a great topic, I want to post on it later. I'm on my way out the door to have coffee with a friend in the program. The packing will wait, need a break.
