Reacting is such a way of life for alcoholics (and people in general) that it takes time to "take a pause" and do not react, but realize people think they are helping us by their comments. the important thing is to keep an open mind, even say thankyou for their concern. by reacting we are giving credence to their opinion and falling into a trap. calling your sponsor or an AA friend can help you through those times of frustration. stay on the path, dear friend.
jj/sheila

A lot of what you might be getting is feedback about your attitude. Some things may or may not be your fault, but if they are detracting from you serenity and sobriety, then you do need to put the focus back on you and stop complicating your recovery.

I had a habit of living in chaos and viewing my problems as so ultra stressful and extraordinary. What I am learning is that my problems are not ones that other people don't have and I don't need to be ruled by them. I can solve them and remain centered in doing so. I don't have to get all frantic and twisted about every issue. Even something as stressful as a divorce or parents dying is a normative life problem....It sucks bad, but other people deal with these issue without going on self-destructive drug and alcohol binges. The world doesn't hinge on my choices and with faith, all things are going to work out in time. I didn't have any faith before and just figured I would get screwed no matter what I did.

So that is where it rests on you. Not so much that you have problems, but how you choose to view them and to deal with them. People are probably seeing you get all frantic and they are telling you to slow down...easy does it....accept where you are at...own your consequences. Perhaps they are trying to impart coping skills on you rather than telling you that you are incompetent and stupid.

Furthermore, typo...If you know damn well something is not really your fault, you don't have to get angry because someone else thinks it is. Pray about it. You only need to live with your own choices and behavior. Be kinder to yourself.

Mark

Typ0...right on!!  Can I mention that several times I have had measurable
"reactions" to that same type of response to me from others in the program.

Sometimes I response in a way that includes myself and the others involved
and other times I react, take it personally and employ old tools I use to use
when I was in the old program..."my" program. 

Today I have another set of tools I can use by choice.   Some of them are
slogans (I gotta keep alert that they are available) like "take what I like and
leave the rest" or "Don't react" (keeps me from putting on my explosive vest
and embracing the groups that is making me feel less than I need to) and
sometimes I just need to walk away knowing that walking away is the best
response available.  I consider who I am with and where and why we are all
in the same program and then laugh before I walk away thanking God.

I don't ask people in the program for opinions as much as I do their experience.
Obviously if they haven't or are not wearing my shoes what they give me will
not be experience but just "I thinks" which was one cue I learned that God uses
to start laughing.

I always try to say thank you when another member responds with the best they
have at that time rather than "you're not qualified to therapize me!!" which I
have used in the past which tells another story about me for the time.

Other people have views and that's okay.  I don't have to take them serious is
a recovery choice.  I can go somewhere else.    Great thread and very helpful
to this alcoholic.    ((((hugs))))

Depends on who is giving me the feedback

There are a few sayings in AA that I thought of

A person that sponsors themself has a fool for a sponsee

Our minds in early sobriety are like bad neighborhoods, they are not safe to be in alone

If I run into 3 buttholes in one day...it's not them, it's me, I am the one being a poopybutt, not them

As Pink pointed out having a great life isn't bitching because it's storming outside, it's learning how to dance in the rain

Frankly and bluntly you don't sound "a couple Zanax away from schizophrenia" to me, you sound newly sober, things are "dramatic" when we are new, that's just how that is, drama this, drama that, the story changes, wife, job, finance, romance, traffic, blah blah snore but when we new it's like our skin has been torn off and we are just a bundle of raw nerves

I have a question, have you worked the steps?

all of them?

step two we come to believe that a power greater then ourselves can restore us to sanity

step 10 sanity has returned, not only that, we have ceased fighting anything and anybody (work in progress)

are you on step 10 yet?

One of the most incredibly important things we take from step 11 is in order to meditate we learn how to "watch our thoughts go by" rather then take them down, hug them, make them our own, and believe they are in fact the truth, I watch my thoughts go by like the new york stock exchange, I only get in trouble when I believe what my brain is telling me.

I have been restored to sanity

that means I don't listen to the voices in my head that like drama, I avoid the deliberate manufacture of misery, thats the difference between newcomers and old timers, old timers LAAAUUUGH at the stories their heads tell them, newcomers believe them, and act on them, and those thoughts and the repurcussions snowball and then the newcomer says "See, I was right all along" when in fact it was a self created prophecy

we aren't responsible for the first thought that comes in our head for that very reason, we are only responsible for what we do with that thought

Alcoholism is a 2-fold disease, an obsession of the mind coupled with an allergy of the body, one of the forms -MY alcoholism- takes is it tries to get me so uncomfortable taking a drink is a good idea, that obsession is smarter then you are, so it creates an alternate reality where life gets so unbearable drinking is the only option

Thankfully I got a sponsor (who helped point out all my delusions in the fantasy world I was living in) worked the steps (that helped point out all my delusions in the fantasy world I was living in) got a support group (who helped point out all my delusions in the fantasy world I was living in) and attended meeting daily for a few decades (who helped point out all my delusions in the fantasy world I was living in)

Up to you what reality you would like to inhabit, but I'm here to point out there is a more comfortable one available through working the steps with a sponsor who has worked the steps with a sponsor

That is the ONLY difference between you and I

I don't believe what my mind tells me

I have been restored to sanity, you can too if you make it to steps 10, 11, and 12

until then it's just all stories your mind is telling you, the chief lie being you are "competent" to "manage" your own disease

Alcohol is but a symptom, our real problem is our thinking, if you could manage your own thoughts and your own life you wouldn't be in AA

Step One We admitted our lives were unmanageable

so if you are an alcoholic, you can't manage your own life, and you need to be restored to sanity

I have been reading all your posts and I would say that is an accurate assessment, marriage on the rocks, you are struggling with "everyone around you" who "all think you are insane"

Surrender, get spoansor, work the steps and win, or fight and suffer, and maybe die, or worse, just live in hell,  the choice is yours and one we all had to make

I hope you make the right decision, some of us had to be beaten into submission, some of us repeatedly, and I speak from experience when I say this is a tedious process

As Rainspa quoted from The Rabbi:

---

November 15

We alcoholics were accustomed to look at the world through the whiskey glasses and consequently what we saw of the world made it appear as one big case of D.T.'s.
Sobriety corrected our vision and the world took on a more ordered appearance.  The world hadn't changed--our viewpoint had.
If the world still doesn't look good to you--probably you are still looking through your old glasses.

-- Edited by LinBaba on Wednesday 17th of November 2010 12:22:52 AM

Good Morning Typo, Hope you had a good nights sleep and today is a little better

I thought I would try to explain why people, and myself, are trying to get you to concentrate on your recovery, when you want to concentrate on fixing your problems

When I came to AA it was initially to quit drinking, after I had been sober for a few weeks, I started realizing my life was a MESS, so I started concentrating on fixing all my problems, so I started going to old timers

"hey I need some adult input on X, Y and Z"

they said don't worry about it, go to meetings, work the steps, that stuff will take care of itself if you concentrate on your recovery

I said you don't understand, my girlfriend kicked me out, I lost my job, I lost my license, and I owe this person and that person and drama suffering blah blah

they said, go to meetings, get a sponsor and work the steps

...

are you Fing STUPID??? DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND I NEED TO FIX THIS STUFF, MY LIFE IS IN THE TOILET!!!!!

Finally an old timer let me have it, "Yes you have problems, yes you are struggling with everyone around you, yes you have drama, yes you got fired from your job, and yes your girlfriend threw you out, AND YOU CAUSED EVERY ONE OF THOSE THINGS TO HAPPEN WITH YOUR SCREWED UP THINKING!!!! Why don't you stop running your life for a few minutes because you have completely botched the job, that's what that means when it says "our lives were unmanageable" take a look at the evidence of your life YOU ARE NOT MANAGEMENT MATERIAL when it comes to your life!!! I mean C'mon, your life is a mess, so why not try something new? something different.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, so what is this "same thing" we keep trying?

Trying to run our own lives

you can't fix whats broken with the same level of thinking that caused it to be broken in the first place, if you are the one that has wrecked your life beyond recognition, it stands to reason that you should try something new when it comes to repairing it, since here is clear cut evidence of what your thinking brings you

chaos, pain, wreckage and suffering, so why not try it our way for awhile, and if after 6 months your life isn't recognizable any more as your life because it has gotten so much better, you can always go back to "your way" which has proven to be a complete failure so what do you have to lose???

So I tried it, I started going to meetings every day, I got a sponsor and started working the steps, when "my life" reared it's ugly head I just did the next right thing and then called my sponsor or a member of my support group, who always said "do nothing and get yer arse to a meeting"

So I did, and after 6 months my life was unrecoognizable and so was I, all of my problems had worked themselves out, I had bought a new car, moved into the cutest little beach house, had money in the bank and was managing a string of stores as my first venture into retail, I was happy and had a host of new friends, men and women both, and I sang in the shower and while I was driving, my ex girlfriend was trying to get me back and I was hesitant because she didn't look so attractive to me any more

when I stopped trying to run my own life, just "turned it over" and concentrated on my recovery, my life got unrecognizable to me because it got different, and better

I have this same conversation with every single new sponsee I have ever worked with

I got prooooooblems!!!

go to a meeting work the steps

you dont understand blah blah whine whine piss moan

/nod go to a meeting, lets get going on the steps

but I need to concentrate on finance and romance and blah blah drone drone

Finally I say "Alright, I want you to walk up to ANY single person here with over a year of sobriety that has worked the steps, and I want you to ask them 'If I don't worry about ANY of my problems, but just go to meetings every day and work the steps, will all my problems magically take care of themselves?"

in EVERY single instance the person with time gives kind of a blank look like, "is this a trick question?" and answer, "yes...of course..." with a look that says "why would you even ask such a silly question

it makes NO sense, it really doesn't but it works, THAT is why everyone keeps trying to bring the focus back on YOU, your DISEASE, and the recovery thereof, they are TRYING TO OFFER YOU THE SOLUTION, and you are hearing it as criticism

these people are trying to save your life

I personally would like to get to the point where a bomb could go off next to me and I would just be all calm and say "Hrm...nice bomb" and just move on and not be phased. The goal is not to have no problems. It is to give it time, work on the program, then after doing stepwork you will intuitively know how to solve problems that used to baffle you. I was at a major down spot in my early sobriety too. I moved out on my own for the first time ever, ended a 7 year relationship, and kept my job as a substance abuse counselor with juvenile delinquents (yeah..you think your job is stressful?). Ok...so I pretty much was overwhelmed and sounding the same as you. In retrospect, all the worry was not helpful and things were going to work out the same way anyhow. When people see you getting all frustrated and overwhelmed by stress as a newcomer it reads "I just can't handle life and I am about to relapse." That is why they are telling you to narrow your focus. The disease tells you that your problems are so bad you have to drink over them. When you share about all these issues with the house, your marriage, job...talk about how you successfully handled all of them, what you did to get through the day without drinking, how you prayed and got the strength from your HP to get through it. This is how you condition your thinking to arm yourself against overwhelming stress and relapse. You hear a lot of mumbo jumbo about "I'm grateful for this and that" in AA meetings. Some amount of whining and feeling sad is natural, but I do believe for us, it is very dangerous to dwell in those spots and we absolutely need to find gratitude whenever possible or else the same crappy diseased thinking overtakes us. At least it is that way with me. Is any of this making sense typo? I hope what me and Lin Baba are staying spares you from tormenting yourself like most folks do in early sobriety.

Everyone has wreckage in early sobriety. You have to pay your bills, you have to follow through with appointments. You may have to go through with divorce proceedings, but all that junk doesn't matter in the big scheme of things. You were going to wind up DEAD if you didn't stop drinking and if you don't stay sober. Keep it that simple. It will all work out, but you need to focus on acceptance, surrendering, and other aspects of the program first.

typ0 wrote:

---

I do have my moments of not handling stress well but that has gotten a lot better too. Before I would have just melted down or struggled to hang on until I could get away with the keg. I am not experiencing those types of things I accept that is not a way of life for me any more and I have to face my crap. However, I have to listen there is still too much of it creeping into my life and I do worry (spin) about things I cannot control. I thought I had fully surrendered but, with your help, I am now seeing to complete step one I'll need to work my way out of this spin fully and accept that my brain is playing tricks on me quite often.

Yes pink, I think it is making sense. Thank you and to linbaba and everyone helping to get through this with your experience.

---

Great stuff, I am very proud of you

It really doesn't seem to make sense early on, you say "my roof leaks" and the answer you hear is "go for a ride in your car"

like...what? didn't you hear me? I said my roof leaks and /we proceed to try to fix our own roof then end up opening a hole the size of manhattan in it, then get frustrated and tear the entire roof off then our wife leaves us because it's raining in the house and we are handling with all the cool collected aplomb of a three year old who just found out that our dog just took a giant dump in our easter basket and ruined all our easter eggs

but then the next time, we go for a ride in our car, stop off at the coffee house and get some coffee, strike up a conversation with the person next to us who turns out to be a roof repairman, who either gives us an easy fix for the roof or comes over and fixes it for us

it's that bizarre and literally works out that fortuitously, half coping skills and half somehow in this super bizarre way tapping into the forces around us, totally inexplicable and I don't even try to explain it to non AA'ers, but all AA'ers are like "totally, that's exactly how it is" miracles become commonplace and when we change so does the world around us, both our perception of it, and what we unconsciously create and manifest

So I can't just flat out say, well it's half psychology and half superstitious voodoo that seems to work, but it is, when we start getting right with the world, the world not only starts getting right with us, it starts giving us what we need, maybe it did the whole time, we are just so wrapped up in our own heads we don't see it

give it a shot, get a sponsor, work the steps out of the book, and see what happens, you do and I promise that in 6 months you will be trying to convince some newcomer who is trying to solve all his own problems going "but you don't understand, I need some adult input here" to "go to a meeting and work the steps, and everything will take care of itself, it's like magic" and he will be looking at you and your stupid grin and thinking you are a total nutjob, but you won't care, because you will be happy and your life will be totally different

 

Gotta love this thread!!! Thanx typ0 for asking the question and thanks to all for your answers - just so helpful and real.........God bless

Being teachable in this program is a great trait, and it seems like you've got it. Good for you for listening to these winners that posted here.