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Post Info TOPIC: Not everything is a case of being a bit "off-program"
northern lights


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Not everything is a case of being a bit "off-program"
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Hello all !

It's Louisa -  real name Karen actually  (Louisa is my cat)

I have come back as Northern Lights (aren't they beautiful?) and wish to use my real name.

I guess this post is intended to hopefully warn against the dangers of putting everything down to the program.

Within the space of 10 days I went from being an essentially happy joyful person to a paranoid, suicidal self harm(and harm to others)  risk who had to remain monitored by medical professionals.

I guess this post is mainly aimed at women but could relate to any medication and either sex.

I have been sober for many years of 24 hours - this was the closest I ever came to going under. 

I started some medication about 3 weeks ago. (hormonal medication,  oestrogen progesterone mix)
For a few days I was a little low but thought I would just give my body time to adapt.

Well about 6 days ago I started to go down hill rapidy - mentally......very jittery and anxious, impending doom feelings.   I called my AA sponsor.....did I need more F2F meetings ??? what am I doing wrong???  She said I am doing everything any sponsor could ever ask of me re the program.  We both  decided This Too Shall Pass.

Pass? Deep breath.....it's a miracle I am here.  Turns out that .05% of women have a severe reaction to this type of hormonal medication. It should be given with extreme caution to women who have had a history of emotional problems. Well I'm an AA and l know that drink is but a symptom *smiling*!!!!

Luckily the National Health Service helpline staff sensed the seriousness of the situation - I didn't realise how fast I was sinking at all and they put all their machinery in place to take care of me. The man on the helpline said he was amazed I didn't pick up a drink.  He was really kind and comforting.

I don't believe I am afraid of death but this was not the death I wanted - it made the four horseman look like Disney characters. Dark - very dark. My cat meowed - I wanted to stab her violently to death.  Fit spiritual condition? I was powerless. This medication can apparently in a tiny percentage of people shut down the rational side of the brain. I wanted death but not the death that was on offer - it was terrifying.

I am still under the care of a nurse who deals with traumatic experiences. I was dismissive when this was suggested to me.....*smiling*......as in......this is trauma?  Severe she said. 

Think of your worst nightmares coming alive and trying to drag you into hell. The images are going to take time to leave me. There was NO light. None. My boyfriend says it reminded him of his last very dark days of drinking.

I guess the miracle is I am still sober.  That is the miracle.

My primary purpose is to stay sober and help other alcoholics so I will not be starting an awareness campaign *smiling*  and all that stuff but I just thought that other women in AA may wish to be aware of what happened to me.

I am on the mend but still suffering symptoms of shock.

Please everyone, please remember that not everything is down to being slightly "off-program".  I find that way too easy to do.

99% of the time an inventory,  or a chat with,  or helping another AA  does the trick.

This was something else.

This too shall pass?  It's a bloody wonder I didn't pass......away from this earth.

The above may sound dramatic  - the above description is mild compared to what I actually was experiencing.

Love to all of you
Karen 


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Dave Harm


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Hey Karen,

Glad you are taking care of you....

((( In my thoughts and prayers )))

Dave

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Aquaman


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Thanks for your share, Karen!
I feel that AA is a program of spiritual recovery from alcoholism and the greatest thing since the wheel.
The brain is a complex organ and I am not a neurologist. I prefer to leave medical matters to medical professionals.
I don't call a pastor when my furnace is fubar.

Peace,
Rob


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happycamper


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Wow, Karen, thanks for sharing that.

Im 47 ..peri-menopausal and have already discussed with my doctor that I would NOT under any circumstances be taking hormone replacement therapy.  I will do this with God, ppl, and program.

Hope you are feeling better soon!



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AmyWillWin


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Wow, Karen. Glad you are okay, and you got the help that you needed. Medication and side effects are a scaaaaaaaary, scary thing. I have known several people that have reacted extremely poorly to psychiatric meds. Brain chemistry is delicate. Thanks for sharing this: ovarian cancer runs strongly in my family and I know I'm eventually going to have to have a full hysterectomy and I've always been nervous about hormone replacement therapy. God bless you...
Amy

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SteveP


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Thanks for sharing on this Karen. Really important for all of us to know that the program is the program, but that there are outside matters too and that we can't confuse the two. AA is very clear about that. I can forget that sometimes, and you've helped me remember.

Best to you

Steve


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Jerry F


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I love the metaphor...coming back as "northern lights" and most real as Karen.
Interesting and right on post including the direction at both genders.  I soooo
appreciate the alert having been at the very edge and coming to the realization
that not all of it is being a bit "off-program"  Being human is being vunerable to
lots and lots of stuff...program helps me to do what you did...investigate and
reach out for help (practicing humility and saying those old words...please help
me?)   Good for you and good for us that you brought it back to family. 
Continue to work with and on it and bring the experience back please cause I
can use it.

(((((hugs))))) smile

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zzworldontheweb


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I know I went through an EXTREMELY dark period about 6 weeks after quitting. My outpatient program had prepared me by telling me this was not unusual and was a result of my brain healing and getting it's chemicals back in balance. This enabled me to just keep walking through it with the hope (confidence?) that it would get better.

I HOPE that I would be able to be as discerning in your situation.

Looks like you handled it in the best way possible. Good luck!

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LinBaba


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I agree entirely, that "Not everything is a case of being a bit "off-program" and it terrifies me to see people in AA "playing Doctor" sometimes

Over the years I have seen some horrifying results from this trend, people "going out", Bi-Polar patients told to stop taking their meds and completely losing their minds, not to mention 10 years on an ambulance seeing the same sort of things, incompetent "midwives" and "herbologists" literally killing patients or ruining lives, I have 2 seperate couples/friends in the program with extremely brain damaged children from people without licenses practicing medicine and only saved a few other peoples very lives by sheer luck who had gone to herbalists and other practitioners while working on the ambulance

I am thankful you got professional help, even if it was that help that got you in trouble in the first place

-- Edited by LinBaba on Sunday 14th of November 2010 07:00:31 PM

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barisax


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Self knowledge can be a good thing.  I don't think I could have gotten sober on self knowledge - that chase led me down the wrong road many times.  But, at some point in your life you know what is the fringe of normal, what shall pass, etc.  Physically, mentally, spiritually - I've pretty much experienced the extremes of what I can cope with.  I've been sober long enough to notice when something more is wrong.  I do need to stop and ask myself a few questions.  One good one is, "Is there anything eating at you right now that ten thousand dollars wouldn't fix?"  I still suffer from the pangs of financial insecurity, and I've been through that cycle many times and know how it likes to hide behind other things... like denial.  But quite often, if I'm on edge, blaming other people, have a sense of impending doom... I need to look at that bank balance and if it's $1.49, I can laugh about it because that too shall pass, and I've once again painted myself into a corner. 

But... when I had this sudden pain come on me a couple months ago, I tried to move it around, wiggle it around... thought it was just my mid back kinking up from laying on it wrong, but no matter what I did... it just didn't change.  I knew it was not something normal, or even fringe normal.  So I went to the doctor.... kidney stone.  A new experience.  But the main thing is, I knew within 10 minutes that this was not something within my realm of normal aches and pains.

I remember a few years ago I was taking some OTC meds for heartburn.  I was having strange visual dreams, restless nights.  It took several days but eventually I had to sit up and say "This ain't normal".  Like I often do when I make some sort of change - new Rx for blood pressure, whatever, it slips my mind and I'm left thinking WTF is going on here.  But I finally had to ask myself ok, what did you change... those new heartburn pills.  Naaa.  That couldn't be it.  How could heartburn pills give me hallucinations?  But I discontinued and guess what?  Weird dreams stopped immediately, or rather my dreams returned to their normal state of weird.  I later looked this drug up on line and hallucinations are a possible side effect.  I thought the stuff was for my stomach but... it's actually a neurotransmitter!  Yikes.

Anyway... know thyself.  Being sober a while allowed me to get a grip on my physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual ranges and limits.  When something is happening outside those normal parameters, it may not be time to call a sponsor or go to a meeting...  maybe time to call a doctor.   FWIW, I'm now "stone free", although that contributed substantially to reducing that bank balance to $1.49... LOL.

Barisax

-- Edited by barisax on Sunday 14th of November 2010 07:29:07 PM

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angelov8


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Oh my  just so glad to see you back I don't know what to say.  First, Yippee cai Yeah! to that.

Sounds to me like nightmare on Elm street horror fest.  I so appreciate your sharing your experience in detail.  Over the weekend, I had a  relatively miniscule moment that sounds slightly similiar, and in many ways hearing about your experience helps me put it in perspective.

Hugs and welcome back,
Angela

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david b


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hi you seem to have got over a very hard time very well ,i think being in aa we are very aware when things start to bring us down thats the beuty of meetings and sponcers we can get back up again as long as we stay sober, i have had to take a lot of pills and medicines deu to illness and the damed thing is each time a new pill is given you have to take it to find out if it affects you, thank god for sobriety and aa ,had the nightmares (terrors) sometime
till i get the right pills, but the great thing with these ones when i wake up I dont have to reach for the glass, thanks for your share, see, im not alone
hope your sleep is peaceful,
ps im from your part of the world david b

-- Edited by david b on Monday 15th of November 2010 06:29:37 PM

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Mike B.


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Karen,
Thank you for sharing your experience with us.  I'm grateful that your back with us and things are on the mends.  Prayers sent your way.

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Rainspa


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Oh boy, this brings back memories. Not the same intensity, but similar.

At one point, I was happy, healthy, going to school, in love, solvent, new car, active in the program. I would wake up happy as a clam, and then at about 9am would plumet into depression and want to kill myself. Every day. I particularly remember the unbidden thought "We all die calling for our Mothers". I would be crying uncontolably. There were some days I didn't make it to class. By 5 o'clock I'd be ok.
I told my sister who immediately asked:

"Have you changed your BC Rx lately"?

Huh?

"I'm in real trouble here, blah, blah, blah and yes, they've got me on a new prescription..."

Right. STOP TAKING IT. NOW. CALL YOUR DOCTOR. NOW.

Happily, I stopped, called and they changed the prescription back.

Guess what? The next day, I got up, happy as a clam and stayed that way.
Scared the poo out of me though.
There really are reasons for problems that are not "untreated alcoholism" or a spiritual malady.





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northern lights


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Hello all,

Just to say thank you for your very kind and wise words.

I am doing OK. At least now I am mostly able to replace those horrendous images with beautiful sweet images when they fleetingly cross my mind.  While it was all going on I was telling myself "Karen, don't think and don't drink " but I couldn't stop those horrendous images and thoughts.

Nightmare on Elm street describes it so well.  I won't describe the images in detail as have done so with my nurse and she is trained to deal with this stuff....they were extremely distressing. It was Nightmare on Elm Street combined with Road Kill walking towards me in a horrendous gory form. Also when I looked at my cat, I did not see my cat. I saw the devil. There was no light.

Now, thankfully I can feel my HP once again....little by little I am feeling His love and warmth.  Even though I am still shaken, I can see some light now and even heard the birds singing this morning!  

I have never given any credence to the devil and stuff - I never even go there - maybe I am a Pollyanna -I believe in a HP world of love and light.  This incident has made me feel that dark forces do exist and that they are every bit as cunning baffling and powerful as the disease of alcoholism.

I still have some fear and am shaken up but I am able to sense my HP now - which is a blessing.

Love to all of you!

(((HUGS)))

Karen xx


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northern lights


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Hello again all,
Gradually getting back to "normal" confuse ???? *smiling*.  Coming to realise that those dark images were my mind playing nasty horrible tricks on me.  They have not won.  I refuse to believe in dark forces - I truly believe in a world full of love and light . I believe in the love and warmth of my Higher Power and that each and every one of us here has access to that love and light and warmth - when He can get through of course !
Love to everyone......
Karen xx

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zzworldontheweb


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Good for you! Keep it up.

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