I had my last drink last night and now I want to go to the bar and get more beer. My head has been messing with me all day, saying, go get the beer. I want to drink. I think no, I can't. I just want to relax with 6 or 7 beers. I want to go to the bar and right now. I have been praying to God and reading the big book. I still want to drink.
I tell myself I will not buy beer, then I go buy beer. I tell myself I will only drink a few beers. I end up drinking 6 or 7 beers. I tell myself I won't go to the bar, yet, I am at the bar drinking. I wish I could stop. I had a few years clean once, but I took one drink and I have been drinking for 6 years since. See I really missed my beer drinking, so I had to make up for lost time. I did to.
Getting drunk is all I can think about. I get so excired thinking if I go out tonight I can drink, but I say I can't do this, not for today. I do not have a lot of will power. I know I don't.
My Grandma says I don't need AA, she says I can do this one my own, but since I was 20 and now I'm 37 I have been drinking on and off, so I do have a problem. I know my mother, Grandmother and a few other people have told me I am an Alcholic, yet they don't want me going to meetings. Well I can't get well on my own then. No, my family does not understand.
My step sister drinks more than I do but no one gives her crap about her drinking..I always have to hear what a mess up I am and that I drink too much. My Grandma had to yell at me, and say no more beer..I did get one more beer and snuck a few more, when she went to bed. This is when I went to visit her. I am back at my own home now. So after reading the big book. I feel as though I have a diease and I could die from it. That there are only meetings, sponsers, steps and higher power. I'm not sure all of this is going to save me.
All I know is that I want to drink beer right now. I know no one will stop me, but only myself. I am praying to God and I hope he removes this diease from me, or I might die someday of liver problems.
I drink almost every day and now I can't even get drunk on 7 beers. I'm 5'4 98 lbs, so I should be drunk and I am a female. I can drink half a bottle of vodka before I am drunk. So I need more to feel wasted.
I know people say AA meetings but right now I just need some people to talk to online with.
Thanks.
-- Edited by aprilleaves on Thursday 11th of November 2010 07:39:45 PM
-- Edited by aprilleaves on Thursday 11th of November 2010 07:43:56 PM
Well, not sure what time zone you're in, but it IS pretty good advice to go to a meeting if available. If that's not available, you could try taking a nice warm bath, and/or getting some sweets. If you're upset or angry about something, try to put it in perspective and ask if it's REALLY worth drinking over (probably not). Pray if that's your milieu.
Regarding taking it one day at a time: I never really understood this until I was really right on the edge one night and really wanting a drink. I told myself, "Whatever, I'm just not strong enough, I will have to drink something". But I told myself I would go to the liquor store TOMORROW. I would have at least one more night of sobriety, THEN I would give in. And presto, the next morning the craving was much less. So don't worry about tomorrow, or next week. You can make it ONE night. That's a BIG accomplishment, and who knows what tomorrow may bring.
I'll try to keep checking back here this evening. Good luck sister.
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Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's, and unto God that which is God's.
Looking through your other posts, I can't tell if you've tried detox or outpatient treatment. It seems like you might be on and off the wagon. If so, some structured time in a facility or a group might be what you need to get dried out and thinking clearly. I'll say a little prayer for you now, stay strong.
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Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's, and unto God that which is God's.
Hello April. I know the feeling, it was hard for me in the beginning but I kept playing it through in mind what would happen if I had the first drink. Have you had a couple of meals today? I used to keep some hard candy in my pocket and pop one of those when I had an urge. It helps. Getting to meeting daily really helps, especially when you start making friends and hanging with them. Don't give in or you won't get to know what it feels like to be sober for awhile.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Thursday 11th of November 2010 08:34:18 PM
Thank you for your post and reminding me of the place that I was in seven months ago. Many of us have faced similar times of withdrawal and craving and my thoughts and prayers are with you. You Can do it. Just concentrate on not picking up a drink for 24 hours at a time. Do not think about anything beyond this day and time that you are in now. You should really get to a meeting as soon as you can. Is there a meeting close by?? Perhaps calling your AA helpline and speaking to someone might help you right now. There is hope and strength that you can draw on by talking to other AA members. I see that you are praying for your craving to be removed. It really helped me to first admit to the God of my understanding that I was completely powerless and to ask him to "take over" my life as I could no longer manage on my own or under my own will. Once I did this, then I felt some hope that I might be able to get better with a lot of help. Take care, you dont have to go through this on your own. Stay on the forum. God bless you...
Thank you everyone for your advice. Right now though, I just feel like crying I want to drink so bad. My head is really messing with me today for some reason. Thanks for all the prayers. It means a lot to me.
Yes, there are meetings close by. Check this out. I live in an apartment and down stairs there is this community room with books, that I can take out and read. I found the Alcoholics Anonymous Fourth Edition book. And in this book is a list of people's phone numbers. I won't call, as it has people's phone numbers I never met before. I don't think it would be a good idea to call strangers and say I found your name from this AA book. I need to talk to someone, as I want beer, right now. LOL..No, I won't call. This is someone's else's book, they left for others to read. It also has a list.. someone put in the book. The list has times and places the meetings are held.
I have been in outpatient treatment before, but that didn't seem to help. The day I got out of outpatient treatment. I ran to the bar. I was thinking.. I haven't drank in awhile and so I need a beer right now. So I ran for the bar and got wasted. I didn't want to head back to outpatient treatment again. I just got out.
When I have some clean time, my head thinks I've been really doing good. I have not drank for awhile, so I deserve to get drunk. My head always tells me why I should drink. And since I like to get drunk, well I like to listen and take that advice. Then I ask why did I just take that advice. LOL..Well hey, it sounded good at the time, like it always does.
My head likes to tell me these things. Don't you want to relax, well you can let go of all your worries if you drink a few beers and you will feel a lot better again. My head says it's ok to drink a few beers. I end up drinking more than a few beers. So the next time I say to myself. I will drink a few beers and again I end up drinking 6 beers, or more. This time when I fell from the wagon, this has been going on for about 8 years. Not 8 years clean. I've been drinking for 8 years, almost every day, though, I might of had a few days in between sober.
I like to play video games and watch my fish swim, while I am drunk. Watching my fish tank is also relaxing, but when my mind is a little hazy, some how I enjoy my hobbies much more, while drunk. Now I have to enjoy my hobbies in a different state of mind. It's hard for me to do.
I like when my bed is spinning, it helps me get to sleep, so being straight, well it's hard to go to bed. The beer relaxes me, so I can fall asleep, and when I get panic attacks, the beer calms me down and I don't shake so bad.
If I am having a bad day my head says.. I need to drink, because then my day won't seem so bad, and that sounds like a great idea to me. I need a drink to tell people in my family how I am feeling, because if my family gets mad at me, then I can deal with it better.
I also think I'm dying all the time, which I'm not. I have to keep checking myself. If I get a pain I must be dying. My throat and tongue hurt, so I must be dying. I break out, which is dry skin, but still I think. I must be dying. LOL..I drink beer so I don't have to deal with my crazy head and depression.. and all my crazy thoughts. Though true, in the morning I am back to where I started.
I think how can I stop drinking when I drink for so many reasons. How am I going to get through all of these things sober. That is what I think to myself anyways.
-- Edited by aprilleaves on Thursday 11th of November 2010 09:45:30 PM
I'm not sure where your at with your step work, or if you've even started, but I would say this is a great opportunity to accept that alcohol makes your life unmanageable. I feel your pain, and know the struggle, but remember, you don't have to go through it alone. Pick up the phone and call someone. Remember that there is a power greater than ourselves that can and will take this from us, all we have to do is surrender and accept the help. In times past when I was struggling like you are I would hit my knees and BEG the God that I had no understanding of to please, PLEASE take this from me. There were times when I could no longer feel my feet, and my knees were locked in place from spending so much time on them, but it always worked. God does hear our prayers, and knows our struggles, and wants you to give it to him so he can take it away and make you stronger. It's not easy, but nothing worth it ever is. Just keep breathing in and out, keep asking for help, and above all, don't pick up that first drink. After all, it's not the last one, but the first one that gets us drunk.
You are in my prayers.
K.....
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Nothing ever truly dies. The universe wastes nothing. Everything is simply, transformed. :confuse:
Sister, I think all of us probably thought at one time that we had WAY too many problems to live without alcohol. But it's amazing, once you quit drinking, ALL the OTHER problems somehow become miraculously easier to deal with. The booze was making a bunch of normal stuff seem much worse than it really was.
When your body develops a tolerance for alcohol, then you go through withdrawal symptoms when you're abstinent for a day, or even a few hours. You get anxiety and nervousness and insomnia, and you think it's nerves. But it's actually just withdrawal symptoms. And you think the liquor helps you cope, but it's actually just suppressing the withdrawal symptoms.
At some point, you are not going to be able to get drunk anymore. No amount of alcohol will give you that buzz, and then your life becomes he**.
You have to stop. No buts or maybes. Some people just cannot drink at all and that's us. If your mind tells you otherwise, just think it through. This only goes one direction, and it ends up either in jail or the cemetery if you don't get off the ride. Go to some meetings, live in them if you have to. This is too important to mess around with.
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Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's, and unto God that which is God's.
I would highly suggest seeing your family physician cuz' it sounds like you are highly anxious and could probably use a professional detox.
Welcome April, I hope you find/read something here that helps.
When you are willing to put the bottle down, get to AA, secure a God and a sponsor, work the steps and help others, then your life will change. Thats how it worked for me, but nothing happened until I was willing ... willingness was and still is the key for me.
Hello aprilleaves!!! Just sharing about the morning I came to..(Dec 2nd ,1984) and knew there were no more options and that'THE GOD OF MY UNDERSTANDING" HAD ALLOWED ME WHAT i KNOW WAS MY LAST CHANCE TO MAKE A CHOICE OF EITHER CONTINUING ON UNTIL i DIED,KILLED SOMEONE OR ENDED UP IN THE eternal DEN OF INIQUITY,I totally surrendered and knew the disease had me. no more rationalization,I didnt know how I was going to get to the next day ,but I knew I could not drink again...the word EVER' KEPT COMING TO MIND...tHE PAIN HAD TOTALLY OUTWEIGHED ANY PLEASURE AND i BECAME WILLING TO DO WHATEVER i HAD TO TO REMAIN IN SOBRIETY<<Only you can make that decision and be willing to follow thru and find a "new way to live"a day at a time!!.. We are here,but for this drunk Face to face ,with a sponsor,literature to learn from and getting in the "solution" (step work)showed me a better life than any I Have ever known,,it works,but you gotta work it!!I had spent a quarter century,from time I was 12 years old until "life began again"Come on in from the storm,,,,,,, here,,take my hand,WE can do this together.Hope to see you again...
-- Edited by mikef on Friday 12th of November 2010 10:59:37 AM
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
April, right now you are feeling a huge vacuum left by taking alcohol away. The process of recovery consists of filling that vacuum or hole with healthy things. This would include high doses of the program, but also other healthy activities so you are getting out of your head and not tormented by thoughts of drinking. Right now your life revolves around getting drunk. You need to build a life revolving around recovery, then move from there. It's going to take time, but you have to continue to gut it out and not give in when it gets hard. Dig deep and just know that you are doing the right thing and stick to it. The dividends will pay off greatly later on. Also, don't focus on your sister, your grandmother, or anyone else. You need sobriety to be proud of yourself and to have the life YOU want. The reason their criticisms get to you is cuz you feel crappy about yourself.
So....when you are sitting around thinking about drinking. Go to a meeting. Write posts on here. Call someone in AA...start building more of a defense against alcohol. You and WE can do this together. A big part of staying sober is telling on your own disease and that is exactly what you did here. You were honest about your cravings and did something OTHER than give into them. Keep it up and work AA like your life depends on it. Cuz it does!
Mark
P.S. The way you described you thought patterns and your relationship with Alcohol sounds exactly like me. Basically, you are slowly killing yourself and embracing death. You seem be rooted in fear of living and alcohol takes all the immense fears away. Have some faith. Have some courage. You only have one life, so make the necessary changes and live life the way God wants you to. I was the person you are describing. You just described what is a garden variety alcoholic (you and me fit that bill it would seem). I was ruled by alcohol just like you are describing. There is freedom if you just stop self sabotaging and believe for a bit that there is a better life out there for you. Dig deep and be willing to do WHATEVER IT TAKES to stay sober. I swear you can have a life that is so much better! I also did this at the same age as you and I am so greatful to be approaching 40 with a couple years sober and feeling like my life is really just starting rather than it being a pile of crap that I wish would just end.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Friday 12th of November 2010 01:39:43 PM
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I'm drinking right now as I type this. I read what all of you have said but I can't seem to put the beer down, but I do need to get to some AA meetings. I agree. I used to go to AA meetings in the past and the program helped some. However, I would go back to drinking again. I went to a lot of meetings with a friend of mine. I can't do this on my own, as I just so proved it today. I never been able to stop drinking when I want to. I did work a program, years ago. I still drank, maybe not as much, but even when I called my sponser, if I had a bad craving, nothing mattered, it was off to the bar I went. I been in dry out centers and after I left I drank. I didn't want to, but I found myself drinking anyways. I really tried to stop, but I couldn't seem to do it.
My ex who died because of drinking, said to me..I went to AA meetings for attention. He said I didn't have a problem. My head would love to believe that. Yea, yea, that is why I went for attention.
So if AA didn't help and neither does dry out centers, what is going to help me then. I would cry because I didn't want to drink, so I went to the bar and drank. I can go to AA again, just saying I used to go a lot and I did not recover. I wanted to recover and bad. I read the big book, went to meetings, had a higher power, worked the program and had a sponser. When then urge took hold I was not able to control it. I prayed and prayed, and yet I drank. I went to AA and I drank. I would show up at meetings drunk to. Then I could listen to people talk and talk. I didn't mind as I was drunk and so I felt more social then. If I go to an AA meeting straight I just want to get out of there. All people do is talk and I want to party. But if I go drunk, then I feel more mellow and I can listen to what people have to say. (I went to the AA bathroom more than once to puke)..K i'm back.
I wanted to stay clean, yet I drank. My friend took me to many meetings. I was sober for a little while, but not for very long. I feel hopeless right now and I'm going to get drunk and then by tomorrow I'll say..I should have not done that, but right now my head doesn't care. I care but my head doesn't and neither do my feelings.
I will keep coming to this message board and I will go to AA meetings, but something has to work sometime for me.
-- Edited by aprilleaves on Friday 12th of November 2010 04:08:58 PM
-- Edited by aprilleaves on Friday 12th of November 2010 04:11:17 PM
Can you tell us about working the program? What exactly did you do?
Are you willing to try again?
I went to many meetings. My friend was my sponser and she was a good one, but I still drank. We would sit down and there was many people at one table. They would read a little from the big book, then start talking, every one taking turns.
I would take the big book and read it every day. I would talk to my sponser when I wanted to drink. I would pray and pray to stop drinking. We did go to some AA functions, like dances and stuff, sober. I was not always sober though, but I went. I am willing to keep on trying, yes. I want to defeat my diease, is this possiable?
So what I did because I knew I needed help and if I didn't get help I wasn't going to be around much longer and it would get messy was...reach out to total strangers and say "please help me." Funny thing about that was I was much more the loner and isolator at that time and talking to strangers was as far away a behavior that I would have dreamn't of. So the Higher Power thingy had to be responsible because I had spent some time the night before screaming into the night sky asking if there were any UFOs and aliens who could lift me off the face of the earth. Funny how I say it and HP hears it.
I had to run out of running room so my HP would catch up and that happened in the rooms of recovery...not outside of them.
I was taught simple things at first...if I wanted a drink go get a glass of water or ice water if I wanted it special. Nothing mixed with it and keep drinking the water until I was too full to want to drink anything else. Surprise that will work at times and it was at times that I needed it.
In early recovery I was told "Do the new behavior and the mind will follow" rather than trying not to with the same brain I drank with. God how powerful very simple truths can wake a drunk up. So all I had to do was follow the suggested behaviors and keep (coming back?) following them.
It sounds like you've already got some recovery awareness to the point that you can say and repeat it and the saying it isn't doing it. It's the doing and repeating that works. When your not drinking you're still under the influence cause the disease is still working in one of the four sites I was told that it always does...mind, body, spirit and emotions. So I was always under the influence even when I wasn't consuming alcohol. It owned me much like it sounds like it owns you at the moment. I hated when people, places and things attempted to control me but alcohol did it so easy and with my cooperation too.
You know how it affects females...your a light weight and small with a huge compulsion. I was over twice your weight and taller and it got me to where I walked around wearing a pale sickly color of yellowish green.
So you know and you know that you know...time to change the behavior so that the outcome will be different. Go to a meeting, find a sponsor and listen to that sponsor and the fellowship. Your family is afraid of the fellowship so that won't work.
Thank HP for putting that elder edition of the Big Book down stairs with the other literature and thank HP and the others who signed in and left their numbers...that is there just for you. I know how HP works because this is exactly how HP has worked with me. Wanna work with HP? Make the call and the worse that can happen is a busy signal, a no connection or someone who needs the reminder. The best that can happen is another drunk will leap to help you save your ass and by doing that save their own also.
In love and service and support.
-- Edited by Jerry F on Friday 12th of November 2010 05:35:51 PM
Sounds like you do not aspire to much of a life. You have made it way to easy to go back to drinking. You can't defeat alcoholism, you can't control when you have a craving either. You can control your actions. You do not have to give in when you have a craving. You choose that because you are likely afraid of all the changes that will occur if you stopped drinking. If you stopped drinking you would wind up taking charge of your life and being responsible. You would have to grow up and not be a victim or a sick little girl any more. As I am writing this, my heart is going out to you. I am NOT judging you, but rather have been the scared little kid on the inside that was so afraid to change and needed the alcohol to buffer every aspect of life. Dig deeper...Stop sabotaging yourself...When you pray, just KNOW that you can be something so much better. I am praying for you.
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Well, it sounds like maybe you have been able to stay abstinent for a few days at a time without drinking. Is that true? If you haven't been abstinent for at least 5 or 6 days, you won't get past the withdrawal symptoms, and those are almost impossible to bear without some kind of help like being in a detox center.
But it sounds like you have been in detox before. I'm assuming you've been able to stay away from drinking for at least a couple of weeks before. Is that the case? Sometimes we go through a period about 4-6 weeks after stopping called "the wall", where our brain chemicals are starting to finish healing and you can get really depressed. Relapse is kind of common around this time. Could that be part of it? If so, just keeping your routine and taking one day at a time is the best (only?) way to get through it.
If you've been able to get through THAT part, and still relapse, then you really need to overhaul the whole way you look at life. THAT'S what the 12 steps do. Get you out of your own head and put you at peace with God and with other people. Gives you a way to deal with life without drinking.
Is there some other thing in your life that is triggering your drinking? Financial stress? Abuse? Trouble finding a place to live? Family troubles?
Whatever else you do, KEEP TRYING. It WILL work eventually if you keep at it, sometimes it just takes time.
God bless you, you seem sincere about wanting to recover.
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Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's, and unto God that which is God's.
SHello wondering if you are still drinking or not . I had to drink every day when I got on a roll then I would kick. I would not be able to not stop thinking about just getting one because my dishonest mind would tell me the same old lie that it will be different this time.note .I was full flight from reality an out right mental defective.I am half retarded. But the real truth is that I am with out a mental defence against the first drink.I tried all of the nonspiritual remedies.change of drink,location,controlled drinking,keeping busy ,and came up with every solutionstop and stay stopped.and I got drunk in rapid order.in this book that we are supposed to study there is some great info. Like the fact that my character,code of morales,or a better philosaphie of life great intellegents the fact that I can solve all my other problems. Does not produce the needed power neccesary to produce an effective change in personality suffiecient enough to recover from that fact that I have and know I have a medically incurable disease.I suffer froma spiritual,mentaland physical.malady that is fatal and will kill me and whole time its my mind that is the problem I am praying for you to find a power greater than all of us
