I'm leaning heavily on it right now. BB says you have to accept how people are and worry about yourself. How exactly are you supposed to do that when there are kids involved?
My ex has his own demons. Booze, pills, mental health, even some illegal things...purportedly. I left him because of these problems in 2005, and we have managed to maintain a pretty civil relationship ever since, with a lot of work on my part.
By work, I mean swallowing my anger and pride when he lashes out at me and tells me I'm a bad mother, cutting me down in a number of ways coldly calculated to get me where it hurts. And hurt it does, because even though almost all of the stuff he says has no basis in fact, part of me agrees with him somewhat. I wasn't a HORRIBLE mother, in fact the majority of my drinking was when I didn't have my kids--we share custody 50/50, or rather I have them 1/2 the time, and he has them 1/4 of the time and his parents 1/4 of the time. I never endangered them, but I wasn't really THERE.
This is a man who didn't go to work for a full 5 day workweek ONE TIME in two years, and the only reason he didn't get canned was because his daddy is the CEO. All of the board members were hollering for him to be fired, but he managed to keep his job. I don't think his parents are doing him any favors by allowing him to keep his 40+K a year job AND helping him raise his kids the 3-4 days a week he has them. He had a DUI earlier this year, and I helped drive him around. He pleads "sick" almost every-other monday after my weekend with the kids and asks me to keep them another night. I do.
I am still close with his mom, and she tells me everything about what is going on with him, how they tried to have him committed, his near-overdose two years ago, he drunk-dials me (hasn't done that since the DUI, thank god), you name it.
Then something sets him off and he says the most horrible things to me, things that are actually true of HIM, and I don't respond or retaliate, because I don't want to fight with him. I keep the peace, like I've done the last five years. For my children.
However, the injustice of the stuff he says hurts my feelings, angers me, and leaves me helpless. They say that a truly insane person doesn't KNOW they're insane. I don't know what to do. I've just told him to lose my work email addy, because he sends me these scathing, virulent emails at WORK. I blocked him. I'm fighting tears at work for the first time since I decided to go into AA. I've thought many times about trying to get him to go to a meeting with me (this is a person who I still love and supposedly loves ME) but he won't even admit the smallest shortcomings, so why would he ever admit being powerless over alcohol or anything else?
I'm feeling a little nutso here myself right now....
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"Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle." ~Anonymous
You might consider trying Al Anon, for yourself. He seems to be surrounded by enablers and the odds are you may be one of them, even if you don't see it that way right now.
Your responsibility is to your children. Who has legal custody? If he does not, you have more room to move in protecting them and yourself from this abuse.
You might also consider going to some women's AA meetings, where the odds are you will meet other women with kids---kids who become the scarred victims of this sick crap--which is not really "love" on anybody's part, by the way.
Both of my boyfriends drank a lot. My Ex, well he died in a fight and he was drunk. He died in a coma because some guys that were drunk beat his head in. My kids father is dead because of his drinking, and she still cries, and misses him.
I have lived with guys who were really abusive, mentally and beat me up. I feel bad for you dear, as I used to be where you are.
I left my ex and I have been on my own for 2 years. My step dad had to come and get me as I had no way out. My ex did try to contact me but I blocked all his emails and I just never responded back to him. I had to get away. Staying sober is hard enough work, let alone, I could not deal with their bull.
I was called many names by my ex and he said hurtful things because he drank 30 beers, in one night. I know it was because he was drunk.
He smelled really bad to, his breath. I mean if someone is going to drink 30 beers every night they could at least brush their teeth, not wait a few years. I had to hold my nose when he got close. And if I mentioned anything about his breath, man alive would he go off on me. If I wanted food to eat, he would get all upset and yell at me. He took all my money to and held me hostage. That was my last boyfriend. I drank a lot being with him. I could not deal with it. I tried to leave but I had no way out at the time. I am out of that mess now and I will not put myself into a mess like that again. That was my worst hell on earth.
For me I don't want a man right now. I just want to take care of myself and get well. And I want a better life and no man is going to stop me.
I am sorry for what you are going through as I've been there many times.
Yeah, it sounds like you really need to distance yourself from this guy. There's no way we can judge the depths of whatever feelings you might have for him, but it doesn't sound like he's earning them. Sounds like you are taking a couple of steps in that direction.
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Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's, and unto God that which is God's.
You said a lot Amy. This is 3rd step work right here. You shared all about these problems with the ex. Now...are you willing to give him to God?
Has anyone ever told you what a God box is? It is like a shoe box and it helps you learn to practice turning things over (third step). Take all the things that your ex does that bother you and write them on paper. Stick them in the God box and let them be God's problem to handle. You know you are going to cope some how, cuz you've been doing it for 5 years. Let God handle his screwyness. Don't take it in and don't take it on so much. Yes...you do have to deal with him, but there is some reason for things being this way. Let God guide him and guide you also. Maybe his defects were/are such that it made you realize you HAD to be sober in order to be a better mom. Read page 417 in the big book. All this chaos and junk is happening for a reason which is to make you learn something and to be stronger in your sobriety. Acceptance is the answer!
Prayers are with you Amy!
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
