Good day everyone. Im a married male in need of some advice. It started around two years ago when we started to make home made wine. Now there is usually not a day go by when my wife does not have a drink of wine (alone). When we go out even to another couples home she will have several wine and beer. Never just one or two but never to the extent she can't walk. She sometimes makes excusses to go to some friends house because she know's there is some one there that will have a few with her. She will go even thought I don't. I had an uncle who was an alcoholic and I have a brother who is one. I might be jumping the gun here. She usual does not have more then two a week day. She has never not being able to go to work due to drinking. I guess Im just concerned for these reasons Drinks every evening of the week (usually) one or two Drinks more then enough when we go out Sometimes goes to friends so she can drink Am I reading to much into this Thanks Rick
Some people are hard drinkers but not alcoholics. Some people can stop drinking if there is enough reason to do so. Some people become alcoholic over time. Some drink alcoholicly from almost the first drink.
People can find out if they are alcoholics buy trying some controled drinking, or by taking the test on AA's website (aa.org).
But those are alcoholics, and you are asking for help for the potential or possible alcoholic in your life.
The good news is that there is help. The bad news is that it is not here.
Help for spouses and family members can be found in Al-Anon family groups.
We can offer sympathy and info all day. But Al-Anon can help.
Hi Trickyrick. Rainspa covered it pretty well. Some people can drink a couple drinks per evening all their life and never get into trouble. Others can have an incident with alcohol and walk away. Alcoholism is general thought to be a family disease but imo opinion people can develop the disease from regular daily drinking. My advise, if she asked me, would be to skip a couple days a week for several reasons. One is that alcohol does a very good job of relieving stress but in the process of daily drinking, the body loses it's natural ability to relieve stress causing a dependence on the alcohol. At the same time, the person's tolerance to stress goes down and low stress situations start to become big deals, of course followed by drinking to resolve them. The other is that you can't predict how long a human liver will function removing alcohol from the system. Most alcoholics trouble include fluctuations of these liver functions. One night the alcoholic can drink all they want and the next night 2 or 3 drinks gets them hammered. It's a cruel joke.
The only thing in your comments that stands out is it sounds like she goes out of her way to drink. One of the key elements to alcoholism is obsession. When the people thinks about drinking, how to get it, or if they are going to run out. Consequences from drinking or drinking too much are generally an indicator of a problem. Doesn't sound like she had any yet so it's a wait a see thing. I wouldn't worry about it until then. Trouble is that if a person wants to drink you really can't stop them. Trying to control someone else's drinking is a disease of it's own and it drive the person mad. Don't be that person.
Rick take this one to the Al-Anon Board and post it as you will get lots of responses including, "if her drinking is affecting you...there's a problem." Give it a shot.
StPeteDean wrote:Trouble is that if a person wants to drink you really can't stop them. Trying to control someone else's drinking is a disease of it's own and it drive the person mad. Don't be that person. Pete said something important here
If I have a problem with someone else's drinking, yes there is a problem, and it's my problem
If someone else has a drinking problem and it affects my life, there is a problem, my life is being affected, NOT their drinking, the fact their drinking affects me, I don't mean there is no problem, I mean there is a problem and it's mine
Alanons 3 "C's are
you didn't cause it you can't cure it you can't control it
If I am taking responsibility for someone else's drinking, trying to cure someone else's drinking, trying to keep track of how much someone else drinks, trying to control someone else's drinking:
I have a problem
In AA our first step says we are powerless over alcohol In Alaonon their first step says the same thing, we are powerless over alcohol no matter who is drinking it
This issue caused me more confusion and grief then my own drinking ever did, with my own drinking I could see the consequences of my actions, no matter how much I finger pointed, blameshifted, BS'd myself and others, I KNEW my drinking was causing me problems
When it came to someone ELSE's drinking it got confusing, it's them right? they are the ones being irresponsible, lying, putting alcohol first, engaging in risky behaviors, blah blah snore the bottom line it's THEM right? right?
If they are over 18 they can do what they want, when they want, with who they want and nothing I say will change that
It doesn't matter WHO they are, wife, mother, father, child, sister, brother, I try to control them, "moniter" them, I end up batsh1t crazy, I end up sicker then the alcoholic, thats why alcoholism is labeled "the family disease" because everyone in contact with the alcoholic gets sick
Alcoholic insanity is contagious, everyone around them is affected
Then it comes down to setting boundaries, boundaries are internal
Saying something is unacceptable once, then laying down a consequence and holding to it is healthy
ie if I cook you dinner and you don't wash the dishes I won't cook for you for a month and holding to it = healthy
ie if you come home drunk I will sleep on the couch
ie if you don't stop drinking I will have to get a divorce, and then HOLDING to your boundary
healthy
standing in front of someone saying the same thing over and over and over
this is me going insane, this is not a boundary, this is me losing my MOFO'ing mind
This is who your wife is, can you accept her for who she is, exactly as she is, today?
great
Keeping in mind that women are far more susceptible to alcoholism more rapidly them men if drinking heavily? This doesn't mean you run and show her that sentence, this means this is something for YOU to think about
I picked up "codependent no more" for a girlfriend once, because, um...she needed it right?
The introduction said "If you are reading this for yourself, you might be a codependent, if you are reading this for someone else, you definately are codependent"
do you bring her "helpful" reading about alcoholism?
Do you try and count her drinks? keep track of her drinking?
answer yes to any of those questions and I'd recomend face to face coda or alanon meetings and getting "codependent no more" by melody beatty and getting them sober by tony rice drew as a start, answer yes to 2, meetings every day, by both books, answer yes to all 3, all of the above and once a week meetings with an addiction therapist, it's that serious
this issue tore me up far worse then my drinking ever did, and they threw me out of Ireland for my drinking just to kind of give you an idea
Jerry F wrote:
Rick take this one to the Al-Anon Board and post it as you will get lots of responses including, "if her drinking is affecting you...there's a problem." Give it a shot.
Keep coming back there.
Jerry's one of our resident Alanon "guru's" you will notice he said "if her drinking is affecting you...there's a problem." and he didn't say she was the one with the problem
It's very insidious, go give our alanon board a holler
-- Edited by LinBaba on Friday 12th of November 2010 03:03:31 AM
-- Edited by LinBaba on Friday 12th of November 2010 03:09:34 AM
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