I have been reading this forum with interest for the past few weeks now. My husband likes to have a drink, I realise this is a battle that he has to fight. I go to weekly al-anon meetings, which I started a year ago and our children go to al-ateen.
What I would like to know is why does he become resentful of myself and our children? He may not even know for sure himself. When he gets in these moods our lives are like hell. He talks to us like we're dogs and acts like we're not even here (except if he wants to yell at us). He'll leave us at home when he goes to things even if we're invited. Won't say anything about what he's up to and if he does it's grudgingly so. Then once I say something about this (not being argumentative, he'll try to pick a fight, go to bed, then wake up sheepish and calm.(until next time). What is it with this behaviour?
Last night I looked back through my diary for this year. I right in it on most days. This behaviour happens at least once a month and lasts how ever long it takes for me to say something. Maybe I need to act quicker so it doesn't last as long. Our children are incredibly hurt by this behaviour. Al-ateen has been a wonderful resource for them, but it still hurts they have a father who rarely does anything with them.
I read with interest the post about what happens when you stop having a drink. I thought that it may be why he gets in these moods. He does it when he's drinking and when he's not. From what he's said once to me he's realising now that alcohol does have a hold on him. Who knows maybe one day he may ask for help with it?
Hopefully my joining won't cause to many problems, I'm just trying to gain some understanding of what he's actually going through on the inside. At times I can feel and see his pain, shame, awkwardness in situations he doesn't know how to handle. I know the children and I can't do it for him. We're learning to take it one day at a time, most times a minute at a time. As I really don't want to leave him, it's just that I don't know how much longer we can hang in there for him.
If there are problems with me sharing, I won't post anymore. Just let me know.
Tracey, there are no problems with posting. The alanon site might give better answers though. If he was a raging alcoholic, you would know it. You stated he likes to "have a drink sometimes." It's hard for me to identify and tell you much because I drank every night and was a stumbling fool. I can't grasp if the two of you just have communication and other relationship problems or if alcohol really is at the root of this. I think couples counseling would help a lot and if he is dedicated to you, the kids, and the marriage, then it would be beneficial to take time out to really communicate and talk about what is working, what is not, and what both of you might compromise to change.
You asked why he might act resentful towards you and the kids. Most of the time active alcoholics act like asses to their family, friends, and kids when those people are standing in the way of them doing whatever they feel like, drinking, being irresponsible, cutting loose... In my experience, I thought I was entitled to "cut loose" and no have any responsibilities and to "not be bothered" when I was drinking. The reality of it is, that a person ALWAYS has responsibilities and they just get ignored or rejected when the person decides to check out and get drunk. Only since I have become sober do I now see that I can be responsible, have fun, cut loose, and handle my business all at once.
Hope your situation improves.
Mark
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Aloha Tracey C...What courage in coming here seeking help...that's gonna pay off big time in your recovery as it has in my own.
"He may not even know for sure himself. When he gets in these moods our lives are like hell." Drunk and in Denial is a huge part of the behavior of the alcoholic. They don't know why but they feel fearful and like crap and it is easier to target someone who loves them than someone who doesn't and blame outward rather than face the question, "Maybe I got a problem with alcohol." Alcohol was such a huge part of life for me that to alter it or give it up was out of the question and so one of the things I just had to do was make something other than alcohol the source of my problem. I picked people who loved me because they would tolerate it longer than someone who wasn't that invested in the relationship. Those who were not invested could and would just blow me off or try to kick my butt away from them. My family would not even though they found out it was an option. Those who love me are attached no matter what the distance and time between us.
The Al-Anon and Alateen programs have some huge tools to help you detach and keep yourself beyond reach of the unrecovering alcoholic just as AA has similar tools to keep me out of reach of the bottle as a most important part of life.
Check in to the Al-Anon board here if you haven't already. In support ((((hugs))))
Hi Tracey, welcome to the board. Your post reminds me of what it was like, however I didn't drink past my son's 2nd birthday (he's 23 now), but I'm sure my first wife felt like you do in many ways. It gives my pause, humility, and gratitude to read your comments. Trying to get inside his head it not the healthiest thing to do, but I can share some of my own experience here. I used alcohol to self medicate my feelings. I struggled day to day with interactions with others at work and just about everywhere I went. I carried a lot of shame from my unresolved childhood issues, mostly the parental type. I had huge problems with authority figures, rules ect... Many things would trigger anger or fear, from situation to just things that people say ordinarily. These would bring up memories and I would get very negative, depressed and have mood swings. Alcohol to alcoholic is like a cure all and becomes the alcoholics best friend (and later worst enemy). Reading the big book would give you some great insight about this.
Our founding text, the Alcoholics Anonymous big book, tells us that we, as a group, tend to be more resentful and defensive than other people. Logical or not, we tend to feel as if we are uniquely put upon and that nobody could possibly be as unappreciated and unfairly criticized as we are. This makes us tend to be perpetually angry at those we love and at the world in general, and drink is one of the few things that can blank out this thinking, so we drink for relief. It's a disease.
The big book doesn't say why we are like this, nor does it excuse it. It DOES say that we have to overcome this if we are to be fit company for others and live happy lives.
This may help you understand him, but I suggest you do not lecture him with this, because it will fall on deaf ears. Just use it for your own understanding.
Good luck and do keep coming back.
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Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's, and unto God that which is God's.
Thank you everyone for your patience and understanding.
A few years ago I realised I was an acoa after discovering an affirmations book. My mother found it and went off at me. She eventually stole it from me. From there I started to delve into things. I joined al-anon a year or so ago where I learned ways to keep myself sane. This is still a touchy subject with my husband who would love myself to stop going and for our children not to go to al-ateen. Even though we don't have near as many arguments. Every now and then I borrow the Big AA book from our library to try and gain some info about it. Maybe it's time I look at it again. I found the wives section to be helpful.
I know he does battle everyday with how he handles people, like St Pete said. He doesn't handle things well at all and by the sounds he never had.
Some people are just unskilled at navigating life, add in all the issues Pete talks about, add alcohol....
I have 2 observations, one, sometimes the person isn't an alcoholic, they are just @$$holes, my oldest friend falls into this category, if I can keep his negative energy pointed "over there" he is a great guy to be around and we have deep and meaningful conversations, if he is looking around for something to be angry about and I wander into his crosshairs he will "come at me", doesn't matter what it is, sometimes I feel he is arguing with a roomful of people that aren't there as he is "making his point" and "making rebuttals to arguments" to things I haven't even said, and if I do "engage" and say something he literally doesn't hear me, i mean literally does. not compute.
He has ADHD, add pot, alcohol, or a bad day at work or money difficulties, and he is a nightmare
OK, I only said these things about him to "paint a picture" it's not "about him" it's about me, what do I do when he starts acting out.
Walk away
He'll follow me and yell at me about how I can't "just walk away", I don't say a word, I get into my car and leave.
Period
I engage, I lose
I walk away I don't have to take his garbage on as my own.
OK second scenario, same kind of guy but alcoholic
When we use alcohol as a "coping mechanism" we never learn that skill
If we drink to relieve stress, not only do we not know how to handle stress, an active alcoholic will start creating stressful situations in order to have a drink. I have seen this with my own eyes. So not only does this person not know how to deal with stress, they are a self perpuating stress cycle, add this to navigating every single emotion whether good or bad by dumping alcohol on it and you have an emotional three year old, and it shows equally when they are too hammered, or too sober
Lastly, I have known a great many functioning alcoholics in my day "in the trades" and many of these men are the nicest guys you have ever met in your life, drunk or sober, drinking works for them, and they are never not laid back, and they are never not nice.
Alcohol is not "the culprit" and many times alcohol gets waaaaay too much credit, that's why we say in AA, if we sober up a drunk horse thief, all we have is a sober horse thief, the alcohol is not "to blame" for his horse thieving behaviors, yes they are related, yes to be clean and sober the horse thievings got to stop, but not alcoholics are horse thiefs, nor does drinking make one steal horses.
or any other behavior, I would love to blame all my womenizing I did "back in the day" on my drinking, but that dog didn't hunt when I told the wife, it was because I was drunk
Anyhow, any program of recovery that relies on anyone else changing is doomed to miserable failure in my experience, so now if I have an A-hole in my life I ask myself 2 questions
Do I have a part in this? If so what?
Where is the door?
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
