An AA that I know from IOP called me today to take him to some meetings tomorrow. I am happy to. He is coming off a significant relapse and going into a more intense IOP in another community. I have considered him to be a friend. I knew he had a history that included gang activity, but I didn't know the extent...until he called tonight.
He is wracked with guilt over his crimes and in rough shape. He confessed his crimes to his family and now they won't speak to him. He told his fiance and she is no longer his fiance. He told me and I am still his friend. I have prayed for guidance.
I am reminded of the parable about the old lady who takes in a frozen snake and nurses it back to health. When it's healthy enough it bites her and as she succombs to the poison she asks "why?" and the snake says "you knew what I was when you saved me."
I apply that to romantic relationships but not AA relationships, and that is God's honest truth, I might think twice about offering him shelter under my roof, other then that it's a no brainer for me, I am the hand of AA
I would reread Chapter 7 though and I would pray, Heathen though I am
Sometimes love and trust when all else fails is the defining moment when a man turns the corner, but emphatically, reread chapter 7
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
I asked my sponsor about situations like this when we worked on step 12 and were talking about sponsorship. I don't have any direct experience so from memory I do think she emphasized the need to protect your family. I brought it up in the context of the burning mattress episodes which I think is described in the working with others chapter. I told her I don't know if I'm open to helping drunks who might burn my house down. She said something like the reality of the alcoholic can be hairy scary, don't forget. People don't have prospects staying with them so commonly like in the early days of AA. Watch out for yourself while you give a hand. Use common sense and stay connected to HP. That is what I remember.
Hey AM, Honestly, if he is in earnest about getting rid of his guilt for his possible crimes, you need to think that he should be thinking of turning himself in. This puts you in a bad situation. It will be hard to council him in that way because then the snake starts to defrost. If he has not actually told you about any actual crime, I would caution him to not be too specific with you about that side of things, just focus on the alcoholism with you and the guilt and crime with his HP. If he actually gets to the "spiritual awakening" he will know what to do. Its a hard road back from a slippery slope but it has to be journeyed in full. Protect yourself and your family. Tom
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
Rob, trust your instincts. If you even get the first weird feeling or signs that the guy is playing you, distance yourself. Other than that, take ordinary precautions.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Many times I have seen a man or woman go to the family with a confession of wrong doing and it further destroyed the already damaged relationship. This is why the 9th Step is the 9th step. Their family already knew they were of a diminished character, with less than honorable morals, so I would question why an alcoholic would want to validate the already low opinion, (such as confessing criminal activity after a relapse) instead of gain and maintain sobriety, allow the change in themselves to unfold as a result of working the steps, and then with the help of a sponsor, determine who needs to be spoken to about the history of activity that may have brought harm to others.
My wife and I have literally helped hundreds of alcoholics and addicts in our personal home. As a direct result we have been criminally violated 2 times in a span of over 10 years. And you are right, we knew what we had sleeping on the couch. So, when we got bit it hurt, but we were able to find a great amount of gratitude on the other side of it. Because at one time in life I was the one who did the biting. I was the snake. However, it's amazing, I have been clean and sober for almost 21 years and I haven't committed any crimes in almost 21 years...there might be a connection...
My home was recently burgarized and it brought back to me my early days in recovery. I handed my sponsor a list of all my wrongs with great detail. "There was a house at the corner of 5th and Elm street, it was yellow with green shutters, it was surrounded by trees, ...blah, blah, blah... he handed it back to me and said, "this tells me the exact nature of the house you burgarized, not the exact nature of your wrong. What I want to know as a result of this writing is where you developed the idea you had a right to other peoples belongings, what brought about such selfish, self centerness. For in that is the "exact nature of your wrong". In short he didn't want a story of all my dirty deeds in life, he wanted to get down to causes and conditions that took me to such a dark place in life.
I had a sponsee with 2 years sobriety call me to tell me his wife had kicked him out of the house. He had confessed that it was him that stole her wedding ring while she was in the shower one day and not her daughter who she accused and kicked out 3 years before and hadn't had a good relationship with since. He was suppose to be kicked out, for an amends was not made. He owed his wife a wedding ring, (right the wrong) which he was not offering her, and he owed his daughter in law the opportunity to be present during the amends as she was only 19 when this took place and it ruined several opportunities for the mother/daughter relationship. In short, his action had separated them, his amends (right the wrong) would have been to try to bring them back together during the amends process. Instead, even his amends was self centered, for the purpose of relieving himself of his own guilt and shame, not to do right by them and attempt to correct the wrong.
When an AA has ill history, they do need to talk about it. Not to family or outsiders, but to a strong AA member with similar history that can guide them in the manner and timeliness of a appropriate direct amends. When they don't follow the path set before us, it is not surprising when things don't turn out so well.
Aloha Rob!! The only asset I have to lean upon for support is my own personal experience and after reading your post I asked, "Where did those who stepped forward to help me, knowing a bit of my past as they did, get the courage to do so?" No those who first stepped forward were not in AA but in the Family Groups however some of them knew about my uncontrolled violence and acting out. Some who continued to step forward had witnessed first hand my reactions in insanity and still they stepped up to support me. I will be forever grateful no matter how many at this date are aware of how I turned out. Their unconditional love and trust trumped my anger, rage and violence. On more than one occasion I have been asked to leave and open meeting of the Family Groups because of this character and that was before I attempted any amends with anyone at all. Your man has made an attempt and paid probably as dearly as he is destined to be up until now.
Maybe you might tell him what my AA counselor told me before one particular session. "Before we continue you have to agree that if I ever say or do anything that upsets you, you will not violate me." I was stunned and later very saddened that anyone would require that agreement to be in the same room with me. Of course I agreed and then later appreciated that we had set it up because of a later event where I did react and found myself halfway across the room toward him.
Maybe what is necessary is the agreement between this man and yourself? Maybe you need to make it and he needs to hear it just like I did. Maybe?
You know the St. Francis of Asissi Prayer that starts out, "Lord make me an instrument of thy peace?"....You have growth and experience...pick the consequence you want and make the decision to get that.
-- Edited by Jerry F on Wednesday 10th of November 2010 04:53:22 PM
Thank you ALL SO MUCH!! What I'm hearing is that should I choose to continue to be supportive I should do so with clear boundaries, security protocols and an active "spidey-sense". Thank you.
The first one that I set today was that he should not incriminate me with knowledge of anything serious. He claimed bad DT deliriums and a talent as a prolific bullshitter. Fine by me. BS is amusing and as a lawyer & tattoo-friend told me...carries only the intent of wanting to make an impression.
Turns out that he didn't need any rides today as he went to a doctor instead. Nasty alcohol withdrawals, he said.
Something Rainspa said will stick with me. "We carry the message, not the alcoholic."
