Hey Folks! I've been a bit absent, but I've been sober. Quick 'Month-In-Review'...
I started this journey 7/5/09. Today is 140 days sober. Longest since...ever, and beats my last stretch by 19 days. Hooray...ME! Thanks, God.
About a month ago I graduated Intensive Out Patient rehab and immediately got...blue. I missed that group. I missed the variety of addicts. I missed the constant influx of 'newcomers'. Honestly, I also missed being, as my sponsor called it, "Rob, age 10, the tallest kid in kindergarten." The group saw me as a leader and it felt good. So...I miss IOP. AA isn't a substitute. It's different. I need to mourn my loss and move on. With my God I'm never alone. Accept the things I cannot change and courage to change the things I can.
So those doldrums affected everything. I missed a lot of meetings. I got sad, cynical and before I knew it I was creating conflicts that weren't there. I was losing my serenity. Projecting my shortcomings onto my family, being paranoid at work, putting a chip on my shoulder...unhealthy defect behaviors. Why?
I needed a community of people just like me who understand that we alkies make ourselves crazy because that's what we do. A group of people who feel simultaneaus sympathy & annoyance for our beloved CoDees. A group of people who have all agreed to be there for me and love me as I am.
Us. You. We.
So, after taking an accurate and sponsor-assisted personal inventory I was then able to turn it over to my HP, willingly wait patiently for knowledge of It's will and the power to carry that out and re-set my head.
Next move is to rack-up some Step 9 amends; wife for being a douche, kids for being a grump & boss for letting cynicism affect my performance.
All is well because I trusted my AA fellowship, continued to take personal inventory & sought through prayer & meditation.
Now I have to get back to work. My Boss needs me to be a genius and God will help me iof I help myself...not if I mope.
Aloha Rob and thanks for the review. It was called a "comfort zone" by my AA Alcoholism Counselor. In my comfort zone I get to feel good and sleepy and then the bus leaves me back at the station. Comfort zones are not good for me, I don't like them and nothing good comes from them for me because I end up making promises "that it" will be better tomorrow or "I'll do it" tomorrow. I don't even like the sound of procrastination.
I never made an ammends for anyone being who they were...how does that one work? Coming thru the doors of Al-Anon into AA I was hooked on to a question which still sticks when doing a 10th...What is my part in it? not What is theirs?.
misspoke, Jerry - those amends are for ME being the douche, grump and cynic. Not them
What is different and better?...Hmmm.
I have a sponsor that I like who is very available. I have begun to see The Promises coming true. I see the torment that Civilians put themselves through and that inspires gratitude in me. I have adapted my work to serve my community as well as myself & my employer.
I cycled 1-9 again after each of my lapses/relapses. 4x in 16 months.
If I had to put my finger on one thing that's different these past 140 days, it's that early in those 140 days I came off of Xanax. I underwent three days of hell in benzo withdrawals. Even if I hadn't been acutely agoraphobic at the time, I was ordered by my doctor to stay inside until the tremors and dizzy-spells stopped. Damn. My belly just seized remembering it. During those three days I Turned It Over like I never had before.
I became a humble child of my God. I asked His protection and care with complete abandon.
The whole time my wife had left four beers on top of the cabinets. They're still there.
