I read Dean's comment in another thread about the importance of making it to a year. I'm a little over 8 months. That hit home.
I've been in a bit of a "funk" lately -- I think because I haven't been working the program to its fullest. I'm going to meetings nearly every night, which is typical but my conscious contact with my higher power has been lacking lately. And I've been slacking on my meditation -- my "quiet time". On top of all this my wife has been away and, last night my son was gone too (just me and the dog).
For the first time in about 4 months I really started thinking "other than me who would know, who would it hurt, what's the difference if it's just one night" etc. And it wasn't the thought of having a drink or two, just get completely wasted, a 12-pack and a pint sounded good.
Fortunately, I decided to order Italian instead, ate, watched some TV and fell asleep.
No real point to this thread other than to get it off my chest and remind everyone how powerful this disease is. I mean, I had been sharing in my aftercare group how good I've been feeling over the last 4 months, and then this.
I read Dean's comment in another thread about the importance of making it to a year. I'm a little over 8 months. That hit home.
I've been in a bit of a "funk" lately -- I think because I haven't been working the program to its fullest. I'm going to meetings nearly every night, which is typical but my conscious contact with my higher power has been lacking lately. And I've been slacking on my meditation -- my "quiet time". On top of all this my wife has been away and, last night my son was gone too (just me and the dog).
For the first time in about 4 months I really started thinking "other than me who would know, who would it hurt, what's the difference if it's just one night" etc. And it wasn't the thought of having a drink or two, just get completely wasted, a 12-pack and a pint sounded good.
Fortunately, I decided to order Italian instead, ate, watched some TV and fell asleep.
No real point to this thread other than to get it off my chest and remind everyone how powerful this disease is. I mean, I had been sharing in my aftercare group how good I've been feeling over the last 4 months, and then this.
Peace,
Patrick
My experience is this is totally normal, no matter how much time I have had, I have nights like that on occasion, the thing is I have been given clear cut instructions on exactly what to do, which is exactly what you did, to "tell on myself"
10th step
This thought brings us to Step Ten, which suggests we continue to take personal inventory and continue to set right any new mistakes as we go along. We vigorously commenced this way of living as we cleaned up the past. We have entered the world of the Spirit. Our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness.This is not an overnight matter. It should continue for our lifetime. Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. When these crop up, we ask God at once to remove them. We discuss them with someone immediately and make amends quickly if we have harmed anyone. Then we resolutely turn our thoughts to someone we can help. Love and tolerance of others is our code.
And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone, even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. We react sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition.
It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God's will into all of our activities. "How can I best serve Thee, Thy will (not mine) be done." These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our will power along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the will.
So, when tempted did you recoil as if from a hot flame?
So this is not a share about "failure" or "not working your program hard enough" but a share about "success"
everyone out of town, the old insanity came knocking, you recoiled as if from a hot flame (displayed sanity) and turned that energy elsewhere
compare this to where you were 8.5 months to get the proper perspective
Good for you Ferris, serious, well done for displaying the effectiveness of this program and showing that it actually works
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
Yep, I get in funks every now and then. And its because Im not working THE program.
I get in them sometimes even if I am working The Program "perfectly", it's called "life", The Program makes allowances for it even, hence step 10, 11, 12 and this little tidbit
Do not be discouraged. No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints. The point is, that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.
I have yet to meet Mr or Mrs Spiritual Perfection or any Saints in AA, I have met some Pollyanna "Doing it right" men and women who know whats best for everyone else however badly they work the program in their own lives
Unhappy Lot they are, and they do their best to run around and make others unhappy as well
I've never been a proponent of the "Oh No I had an emotion or a craving I must be working the program wrong" ideal, The Program as I read it fully expects that to take place and takes effective counter measures that don't include "If you have a negative emotion or a craving you are working the program wrong" actually it says when we DO have a craving we recoil as if from a hot flame because sanity has returned, THAT to me is showing the program works, we aren't Saints or robots
Ferris ya done good kid, I'm very proud of you
-- Edited by LinBaba on Saturday 6th of November 2010 02:57:14 PM
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
Great share for this alcoholic Patrick!! I get to be alone with the one person I have any control over (with help of the program) and another very different choice selection than I've heard in a very long time. "Don't drink...order Italian"...that works!! Just a note I learned since I've been on the journey? even the dog will react to our drinking and some will even drink with us. Did the dog also have some italian?
Your Rough Night is good share...lets move on to 8months and 1day. (((hugs)))
Funny, my dog likes beer and would drink with me but last night she got some garlic bread instead. All good today, she's back to dog food and I'm on a diet. Seriously though, you two are right, my choice process is much healthier now, and it was a success. I'm at peace right now.
Hiya Ferris, What helps me when i am in a "FUNK" is to get out of myself and help another person in recovery or not. Getting with a newcomer helps me to get humble. Then my issues are not as big. Hope you make it through the day.
Hey Patrick, normal stuff just make sure that you call someone right away when you have thoughts of drinking and get yourself to a meeting. The closer that you get to your year the more squirrely you head can get. That's normal and it happened every year when my anniversary was coming up until I got to around 10. I think that it's just the alcoholics tendency to sabotage our success that spooks us. We just need to hang on while we are building our sober identity. Aside from the pain and fear that we have to walk through, it's an exciting process, we're constantly changing and evolving, growing. Over time, our memories of our drinking past begin to seem surreal like a movie that happened to someone else. We sort of detach from it. It's there and we think less and less about it and it just doesn't rule us or define us as long as we maintain our spiritual condition and continue to grow. Work hard on building a solid foundation for your sober identity.
All kinds of crazy thoughts will periodically cross your mind. Just let the uncomfortable and strange ones pass through as quickly as they came. You can restart your day at any time. Before getting sober, I used to let catastrophic, anxious, and negative thoughts rule me. I have a choice now and so do you! Stay positive and grateful (granted, I'm still learning this, but I am guessing we get better at it as time goes by and with practice).
Getting a year of sobriety is momentous for a number of reasons. Mostly, you absolutely know that you can make it through any holiday or calendar day, anniversary, birthday...whatever without drinking. After a year I was kind of like "Now what?" The good news is that after a year, you will be less focused on counting days and, though the work is hard, you will be able to focus more on fixing the underlying problems that were wrapped up in your drinking.
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Hi--LinB wrote "I've never been a proponent of the "Oh No I had an emotion or a craving I must be working the program wrong" ideal, The Program as I read it fully expects that to take place and takes effective counter measures that don't include "If you have a negative emotion or a craving you are working the program wrong" actually it says when we DO have a craving we recoil as if from a hot flame because sanity has returned, THAT to me is showing the program works, we aren't Saints or robots."
In addition to that great wisdom, I have learned (research) that the brain-body stuff in alcoholism/addiction is such that around nine months sober (especially), anniversaries, and basically every 5 years, for some very complex reasons, are especially vulnerable times for us and we are more prone to "stinking thinking" and the early warning signs of the potential relapse process during those "markers" of sobriety.
In other words, it's very common and normal, but also holds some danger and many of us may find we need to be a bit more on alert during these cycles. Some people never experience this, others can mark it on their calendars! It usually dissipates after the first few years, but often comes back hard at 10 & 20 years. Very weird.
This time information is helpful. I learned early on in my IOP to be careful at 3 and 6 months, but wasn't aware that 9 was also critical. I think this type of information helps -- it gives you the knowledge that it's "normal" to feel this way at these points and, in my opinion, helps one to better deal with these situations.
Good Job keeping it on keel. I know what you mean about that "funk".
A word I liked from my IOP was "anhedonia"; a prominent 'wall' symptom.
Anhedonia's not a feeling like black is not a color. Anhedonia is the absence of feelings like black is the absence of color. When light is removed from the visible spectrum, all colors become black. When alcohol is removed from the brain there are no highs and lows anymore...just blah.
Where is the new light source as intense as booze? God.
Connection to HP during the 'honeymoon' phase is key for us as a new source of light & color. This connection to HP will carry us through forever, allowing serenity in any brain-climate.
What I'm saying is...it's normal. Pray, love, show gratitude and let God give you patience. Don't give up 5 minutes before the miracle shows up.
Technically, anhedonia is not taking pleasure from things you ordinarily used to enjoy. It is a symptom of depression. Anhedonia is a low...it sucks to not have energy and to think everything stinks and is no fun. I hate anhedonia.
Rob, what you are talking about is more consistent with the term blunted affect. Absense of feeling is not common in getting sober. Usually it is more common to be overwhelmed by feelings but to not have the vocabulary or coping skills to express or deal with the feelings. This is due to the default response to feelings being to drown them in alcohol.
Of course anhedonia could happen and I did have it along with all the other symptoms of depression for the first several months of sobriety. Anyhow, anhedonia does relate to feelings...negative ones.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Yeah- 1 year is a marker too. I was warned myself when nearing one year. I let the stinking thinking creep up, told myself everything was fine and drank one night. I'm not sorry now, I've learned from it, but I didn't have to do it and it could have turned out deadly. The comments posted in this thread are great reminders. Thank you all.
