I`ve been sober for a month now and for the first time I`m feeling bad and I need to talk to someone from aa. Unfortunately its late here in the uk and my sponsor`s not answeing his phone. I feel sulky kie a little boy and resentful of my %^$£"*() wife. She likes me being sober but thinks that aa is full of crap
Obviously she`s put up with a lot of crap over the years as I`ve told her I want to leave her several times over the years but she keeps coming back for more . I really just wish she`d kick me out so I can get on with my life unhindered. I feel like AA is all I need and for the first time in my life I feel happy and content
Basically she`s complaining that I go out too much and that I never spend time with her > Onsunday we spent most of the morning together then I went over to see her parents who are not well then I spent the afternoon watching a film and went to an AA meeting in the evening. Today we both spent the day with her parents from 9am til 4pm . When we got home she complained of feeling lonely. I said it would be better if she got some friends and she went ballistic saying I was being patronising and if she wanted friends she could easily get some but she preferred to be without friends and only wanted me. She is very able to make friends and is far more sociable than me. She has a knack with people and was a very capable man manager
This evening I went to a Buddist meeting and when I got back I got the old complaint of not spending any time with her.what do I do
hi Ennzo i have been where you are and it does get better. Maybe the 2 of you could go together to an Alanon meeting. that would be togetherness, meeting new people, and learn about both of your illnesses together. if you scratch an alcoholic you often find a co-dependant there, too. maybe some of the guys here would be willing to share their phone number with you for when your sponsor is sleeping. big hugs sheila
I`ve been sober for a month now and for the first time I`m feeling bad and I need to talk to someone from aa. Unfortunately its late here in the uk and my sponsor`s not answeing his phone. I feel sulky kie a little boy and resentful of my %^$£"*() wife. She likes me being sober but thinks that aa is full of crap
Obviously she`s put up with a lot of crap over the years as I`ve told her I want to leave her several times over the years but she keeps coming back for more . I really just wish she`d kick me out so I can get on with my life unhindered. I feel like AA is all I need and for the first time in my life I feel happy and content
Basically she`s complaining that I go out too much and that I never spend time with her > Onsunday we spent most of the morning together then I went over to see her parents who are not well then I spent the afternoon watching a film and went to an AA meeting in the evening. Today we both spent the day with her parents from 9am til 4pm . When we got home she complained of feeling lonely. I said it would be better if she got some friends and she went ballistic saying I was being patronising and if she wanted friends she could easily get some but she preferred to be without friends and only wanted me. She is very able to make friends and is far more sociable than me. She has a knack with people and was a very capable man manager
This evening I went to a Buddist meeting and when I got back I got the old complaint of not spending any time with her.what do I do
My experience is Alcoholics get addicted to alcohol
Codependents get addicted to alcoholics
the problem with addiction, alcoholism etc is at some point is "it's not enough" all I need is more more more, and it will never be enough, it's the bottomless pit of trying to fix our insides with outside things, like alcohol...or...people
When I was in a similar situation of jumping through the moving hoop of ever decreasing diameter I eventually realized it wasn't about me, for every thing I changed for "her" she discovered something new I needed to change, I eventually called that behavior "The Black Hole of Suck" because I realized NOTHING I ever did would satisfy this person
To CHANGE the situation I was in I: First: Worked the steps of AA with a competent sponsor also in a relationship Also: Attended Couples Counseling and Therapy, also attended some Sex and Love addicts anonymous meetings (it's really about being addicted to unhealthy relationships where I went, not sex just fyi) and got some of their literature Third: Attended Alanon although I think Coda would be a better fit for you Fourth: Read a TON of books about unhealthy and codependent relationships, and alcoholic family models etc ad nauseum, I mean DOZENS of books
Personally I could write a book just responding to this post as I see just a sea of "red flags" of unhealthy behavior from both you and your wife, but I am going to go ahead and suggest working the steps and getting some professional help, for many of us when we come in we don't have to change much when we quit drinking
just everything
from the ground up
We never learned how to have a healthy relationship, and when we finally do start getting healthy it upsets the apple cart, and everyone concerned makes a ton of hurtful mistakes as the relationship gets redefined
If you do want that detailed response, pm me and I will email it to you, but truthfully it will probably just piss you off because it won't be about her changing, it will be about you changing, and it will be blunt
-- Edited by LinBaba on Monday 1st of November 2010 10:38:32 PM
__________________
it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
I relate to your share Enzo and it made me shudder. I too suffered the toxicity of a codependent relationship. Codependency from both sides created a toxic environment that I never want to relive again.
It is really early for you and I didn't start dealing with codependency issues till much later - not saying that was right. I often wish somebody had pointed out the dynamics and where I needed to be sooner.....would have saved me (and the other party) alot of pain I feel.
Alot of people have said that "chapter to the wives" in the Big Book is very helpful, I couldn't really say.....*smiling* the person I was sharing my life with refused point blank to read it!!!!!! I NOW see that as being his perogative !!! (Didn't then )
Please send me the blunt that's one I can handle. Just as I began to get a grip and sober up my wife left me and filed for divorce. As my crap got stripped away I realized how much I love her and we are soul mates. Years of lying to myself made me very sick and I was never really available for her to love as much as she tried. Our relationship was submerssed in alcoholism and codependence. I am changing and have become much more positive about myself and her and am in a place where I accept and love her unconditionally. Doing a total reversal on expectations and having boat loads of patience is a very difficult task on a newly recovering alcoholic but somehow (and with help) I think I'm doing pretty well.
Unfortunately her love is gone. I'm interesed in things that will help me have a better relationship with this wonderful & beautiful woman whether it be in marriage or divorce.I will be there for myself and for her in a healthy way in the future but I need to keep learning.
LinBaba wrote:
Ennzo wrote:
I`ve been sober for a month now and for the first time I`m feeling bad and I need to talk to someone from aa. Unfortunately its late here in the uk and my sponsor`s not answeing his phone. I feel sulky kie a little boy and resentful of my %^$£"*() wife. She likes me being sober but thinks that aa is full of crap
Obviously she`s put up with a lot of crap over the years as I`ve told her I want to leave her several times over the years but she keeps coming back for more . I really just wish she`d kick me out so I can get on with my life unhindered. I feel like AA is all I need and for the first time in my life I feel happy and content
Basically she`s complaining that I go out too much and that I never spend time with her > Onsunday we spent most of the morning together then I went over to see her parents who are not well then I spent the afternoon watching a film and went to an AA meeting in the evening. Today we both spent the day with her parents from 9am til 4pm . When we got home she complained of feeling lonely. I said it would be better if she got some friends and she went ballistic saying I was being patronising and if she wanted friends she could easily get some but she preferred to be without friends and only wanted me. She is very able to make friends and is far more sociable than me. She has a knack with people and was a very capable man manager
This evening I went to a Buddist meeting and when I got back I got the old complaint of not spending any time with her.what do I do
My experience is Alcoholics get addicted to alcohol
Codependents get addicted to alcoholics
the problem with addiction, alcoholism etc is at some point is "it's not enough" all I need is more more more, and it will never be enough, it's the bottomless pit of trying to fix our insides with outside things, like alcohol...or...people
When I was in a similar situation of jumping through the moving hoop of ever decreasing diameter I eventually realized it wasn't about me, for every thing I changed for "her" she discovered something new I needed to change, I eventually called that behavior "The Black Hole of Suck" because I realized NOTHING I ever did would satisfy this person
To CHANGE the situation I was in I: First: Worked the steps of AA with a competent sponsor also in a relationship Also: Attended Couples Counseling and Therapy, also attended some Sex and Love addicts anonymous meetings (it's really about being addicted to unhealthy relationships where I went, not sex just fyi) and got some of their literature Third: Attended Alanon although I think Coda would be a better fit for you Fourth: Read a TON of books about unhealthy and codependent relationships, and alcoholic family models etc ad nauseum, I mean DOZENS of books
Personally I could write a book just responding to this post as I see just a sea of "red flags" of unhealthy behavior from both you and your wife, but I am going to go ahead and suggest working the steps and getting some professional help, for many of us when we come in we don't have to change much when we quit drinking
just everything
from the ground up
We never learned how to have a healthy relationship, and when we finally do start getting healthy it upsets the apple cart, and everyone concerned makes a ton of hurtful mistakes as the relationship gets redefined
If you do want that detailed response, pm me and I will email it to you, but truthfully it will probably just piss you off because it won't be about her changing, it will be about you changing, and it will be blunt
-- Edited by LinBaba on Monday 1st of November 2010 10:38:32 PM
It was tuff gettin sober and dealing with my husband and all of his insecurities and issues and crap. And not only dealing with him, but everybody I practically came into contact with.
Early sobriety is a ruff road, and my first year was a helluva roller-coaster ride.
Thank God for my sponsor who got me thru all of that by using prayer, meetings, the steps, the literature, nature, breathing, and basically learning how to live my sobriety and leave everyone else to themselves.
If Im not mistaken, its somewhere after I made the 9th step ammends that things were different for me, and for my husband, and a few others as well.
And it does say in the book .. they will change too.
When I work the steps, talk out the tuff times with my sponsor, share my esh, pray and obey Gods guidance I do really good.
Really the best thing I can suggest for both of you is get a sponsor, work the steps, and build some foundation of self health, what I did after (and before but was more effective after) was get into therapy and couples counseling, there is no "get rich quick" schemes and no healing over night
Priority One is get healthy and focus on yourself and there is time to clear wreckage when we get to step 9, when we learn we are clearing wreckage without "strings", without it being manipulation
Time takes time, the first priority is to get some, like some real sober time working with a good sponsor with long term sobriety and a successful relationship, then go to a good therapist
Frankly I would look for somebody who sounds just like the moderator on this forum St Pete Dean
__________________
it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
If you dont take care of yourself and your sobriety you will end up not being there for her anyway. All you can do is tell her what you need to do to stay sober and hope and pray she will allow you the freedom to work on that or you both will lose in the long run.
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The smallest of good deeds is greater than the best of intentions.
Anonymous
Keep hanging on. Keep working the program. Keep your sobriety #1 and all else will fall into place as God wants. You NEED to have faith and keep it simple. Do not be deterred by complicated thoughts or the complicated actions of others.
Listen to the promises the next time you are at a meeting. If you work for it, you will instinctively know how to handle situations that used to baffle you. This includes this situation. It will all become clear and you will be okay whatever you have to go through, but it will happen through AA and God. It might not be an easy road ahead, but you know it's a better road no matter what happens. Remember to breathe and don't let any relationship stuff send you out drinking....No matter what!
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
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