Aloha All...I've been conversing with a sponsee who has recently relapsed and of course is paying the price in spades. He's attempting to maintain "self" control so I know that HP and I are kinda stumbling blocks for him at the moment.
We back tracked over the trail on what caused the relapse to occur and can read and understand the map. Two different responses happen after we go over the events of his relapse. He comes up with a "but" while I come up with an "and". His but has blame (his HP is only one target) and guilt and shame and the cunning and powerful and baffling nature of our disease including he wanting to control his own recovery (listening to myself and others and not doing the work). He's been praying and I reminded him about prayer while sitting on our own hands not being of any worth. HUH?
My "and" brought him back to the door of recovery...this is what happend "and" this is what I found out and will now do.
He had to run...had an excuse to go, leave the listening part of shared experiences and left with another alcoholic with a history of in and out and who knows how God really works. He left with another man who has worn his own shoes.
Did my part and turned him over until the next time. HP has us all I don't have to worry...just trudge...right?
Was I blessed? I hang with relapsers and I listen with an open mind. It is the one event with alcohol that has not happened for me yet and I get the lessons ahead of time. I've seen many old timers get taken down and have lost my blue leotards with the red "S" on the chest forever.
It's frustrating Jerry. I know you wish you could just make peope "get" what you know already and I also see that you directly see how you could easily let your thoughts distort the same way to justify a relapse yourself if you are not vigilant. What you just described is the often thankless job of a sponsor and working with a sponsee who is not as high up on the scale of "getting it" as others might be. You probably have had a couple of sponsees who magically just "got it" right off the bat. I do not know why I was blessed by God to "get" recovery on the first try in AA (knock on wood), but hopefully your man here will progress to being ready when God determines it is his time.
Keep up the good work.
Mark
__________________
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I remember hearing the stories about the old guy with his sponsor in the 30's and 40's driving around making 12th step call after 12th step call, and no one seeming to get sober, so the sponsee asks his sponsor, "So what do you think your success rate is?"
The sponsor answers "100%"
The sponsee is shocked, he counts on his fingers and toes, and comes up with 37 12th step calls on wet drunks, not one of whom stayed sober, he says "100% ...how do you figure?"
The sponsor answers, "well we haven't got drunk once"
It's strange but I am not emotionally attached in the slightest if sponsees drink or don't drink, it's not my job to make sure they "get it" , it's my job to be available if they "want it", the moment I get attached to their sobriety, I get codependent
I have had dozens of sponsees stay sober, I have had dozens of sponsees not stay sober, some kept coming back to me until they got sober, some chose new sponsors, some made it, some didn't, some "did it wrong" and have near 2 decades of sobriety, some did it right, and kept slipping
The moment I take responsibility for someone else's sobriety or lack thereof, is the moment I have slipped my leash and start playing God, and a fall is coming, a hurtful one, I have more experience with that then I care to admit, and more skinned knees then I want to show
There is nothing "thankless" about working with sponsees whether they stay drunk or sober, I do it for free and I do it for fun, and I do it for me
Not them
me working with them has nothing to do with them and everything to do with me and my program, sometimes, they make it, and get married, start careers, have children, and I fall in love with them and we become very very close for decades, and they become closer then my family or spouse, because of what we have shared
The moment my working with others has strings and expectations, even of them staying sober, I have a hidden agenda, and I will suffer
unless I have "unconditional love" for those I work with, I become codependent, and the love is no longer unconditional, and when love has conditions, it's no longer love
This is my experience
Thanks for your share Jerry
Life will take on new meaning. To watch people recover, to see them help others, to watch loneliness vanish, to see a fellowship grow up about you, to have a host of friends--this is an experience you must not miss.
Frequent contact with newcomers and with each other is the bright spot of our lives.
-- Edited by LinBaba on Thursday 28th of October 2010 01:22:41 AM
__________________
it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
Awesome write up Linbaba. We have been talking about 12th step work at my home group. Wish I had this to take in and share last week. I have been doing a bit of 12th step work and being some what new to it I was so worried about doing it wrong. This is really, really helpful and I appreciate you taking the time to post on this subject!! I love the AA program and your post helped me understand something new. Always something new in the program even if you have heard it 100 times.
Great thread and important subject. LinBaba I feel hit the nail on the head with this one. I'm only responsible for transmitting a message that someone wants. The key word is wants. Want= willingness, and if a sponsee is not willing to do the work, then that's their choice and not my responsiblity. My job is to be available and carry a message of hope and recovery. I'm not responsible for whether people stay sober or not. That's God's job. I can't take credit for someone staying sober either. I have to remember that. All I can do is show them what worked for me. I can lead them to God by working the steps. The results are up to God.
Thanks for sharing Jerry, always enjoy hearing from you.
It has been my experience in sponsoring to find it tricky sometimes. It has never been about me ... For if it was where would the altruistic movement talked about in our literature be. Sponsoring has cost me a few times .. maybe a 20 here or there, nothing major. And I dont do it for fun either cuz' this is a matter of life and death for myself and many times the new person too.
I have allowed my ego to get in the way on occasion while sponsoring , and this fault in turn sends me to my sponsor who helps get me back on track. And She always directs me to chapter 7 in our book.
If I knew who would 'get this' and who wouldnt, or even why for that matter .... I seriously doubt Id be here right now.
I will clarify that "getting it" is just what I wrote to emphasize I have know idea what "it" is and that "it" would be somewhat different for everyone. I know that I can see when the program is working for someone and that is usually a direct result of their willingness and effort. It is refreshing when it just seems to click for people...I guess it comes with a simple, yet profound surrender that some people either have or just don't.
Anyhow, I am glad my sponsor does care about my sobriety and has told me he would be upset if I went out. I disappointed enough people prior to getting sober to have a sponsor that either doesn't care or lies about it. Caring about a sponsee's sobriety is not being codependent, it's being human. It is ideal to be able to have feelings and have feelings for others, but to manage them appropriately rather than pretend to not care or to care too much...(Yeah I do agree that caring too much would be codependent).
Also, I don't think any of us would sponsor someone because we want their "thanks" so I don't mean to use the word thankless literally. I just would want a sponsee to take the whole process seriously and to take suggestions. If they didn't, that would be annoying and I would question cutting them loose because I don't have time to spend on people that don't want recovery. Someone else learning and growing and staying sober is all the thanks any sponsor could want.
So...back to this original post. I can sense your empathy Jerry and that is what I think would (and does) make you a great sponsor and a great person.
Mark
__________________
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I am powerless. Someone stole my blue leotards with the big red "S" a long time ago. JERRY???
Nah, whoever got them can keep them, they don't look too good on me and I think it would be a sucky job to be the one who has to select who gets the gift of recovery and who doesn't. I wouldn't want it, besides my people picker is still broke. I think someone has "got it" and shortly thereafter, they are face down in a ditch drunk again, and I think someone is going to be drunk before long and they have been sober with me for over 15 years.
I love wet alcoholics, dry alcoholics, recovering alcoholics and sober alcoholics. I just love all of them and because I do, I turn them over to the care of God, as I understand Him each day and just try to be available to help the next one that reaches out.
Dear Jerry thanks for sharing your ESH about sponsorship. I haven't been asked yet and I'm a kinda a newbie due to my one night off last June, but I hope to pass on what I have been so lovingly given. I appreciate seeing all the comments so I get a better idea how it works when it is my turn.
-- Edited by angelov8 on Sunday 31st of October 2010 02:59:50 AM
