HELP NEEDED! I'm new here and need urgent advice on my wifes drinking problem

micknjo01 · Newbie

HELP NEEDED! I'm new here and need urgent advice on my wifes drinking problem

zzworldontheweb · Senior Member

Micknjo,

First, thanks for caring enough about your wife to reach out.

We're not therapists or councillors here so please keep that in mind. You say your wife has been to therapists and coucillors already, so apparently she is facing a number of issues. It also sounds like she herself believes that she is drinking too much, which means she is. If she wants to stop, she should.

Abuse of alcohol may or may not be linked to the other things, but one thing is for certain, it is not helping. Many of us will tell you that other problems in our lives became MUCH easier to handle without booze clouding the issue.

My two cents would be to contact her physician (if she has one), and be honest about how much she is drinking. Her doctor will probably tell her to go to AA among other things. Quitting entirely is the only thing that works for most people, no "tapering off", it just doesn't work. She will probably go through some alcohol withdrawal symptoms, including anxiety, possibly sweats and jitters. Google it for some good descriptions of the physical symptoms. They last several days and she may have to take some sick days to get through it. And start going to AA EVERY DAY, at least for a couple of weeks. Call the number in the front of the phone book to find out where and when. She doesn't have to say anything or even identify herself, just sitting and listening is OK.

Once she's over the withdrawal symptoms she has to figure out why she was drinking and grow spiritually to a point where she's not tempted any more. AA and the AA book will explain about that. But ONE THING AT A TIME. Worry about that later.

I'll turn it over to my comrades for other input. Thanks and DO CHECK BACK IN....

louisa · Senior Member

Hello ((((Mick)))
It is no bother! No bother at all.
I have been where your wife is and I have also been where you are.
Unfortunately I have to dash out now but I truly have found Alanon a HUGE help in dealing with somebody else's drinking. It has kept me sane through it all.
Here is the link for you (I hope it works I am not great with technical stuff)

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/australia/

Love Louisa xx

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

It might be time for rehab. It certainly would not hurt to check out what rehab centers are near you because they will have the professional staff to deal with the anxiety and other issues that she has in addition to the drinking. They will also adjust her meds and watch her stable out before releasing her. Her meds for anxiety will need to be adjusted and changed when she stops drinking.

For you...Do your best to keep a level head. A person that engages in self-injury almost always has features of borderline personality disorder. That means she creates A LOT of drama and feeds off it without doing so on purpose. Remember, these are HER issues, even though she is your wife and you love her. She is the only one that can really recieve help and make the changes. You can only support her and help her see her options.

If she has never been to rehab or in a psych hospital, just reassure her and tell her that our literature in AA tells us (as well as from what I have been told by many many fellow alcoholics) that alcoholism does lead us to those institutions much of the time before we get sober. It's not unusual and it's ok to get that kind of help to change. Also, she should know that she is exacerbating all of her mental health issues by drinking. I can tell you that myself as a person who was diagnosed with anxiety in the past, but now I do not have those issues due to being sober and learning better coping skills than turning to alcohol to self medicate all the time.

You might benefit from checking out Alanon meetings. They will help you keep your sanity through all of this and be supportive without owning all your wife's problems. You sound like a caring and supportive husband. Be kind to yourself and say some prayers. I will pray for you and your wife.

Mark

P.S. I actually am a therapist but am not dispensing any professional services. Just going with my instincts from the little information you gave. Take care.

-- Edited by pinkchip on Wednesday 27th of October 2010 08:02:33 AM

-- Edited by pinkchip on Wednesday 27th of October 2010 08:05:42 AM

louisa · Senior Member

Hello ((((Mick))) - back in!

After her sleep, i gently confronted what i knew and she stated that she hAS a problem and is desperate for help

If she has admitted she is desperate and needs help that is the first step. I went through therapist and physcologists and all kinds of treatment. It didn't work for me. It does work possibly for many many folk but just didn't work for me.I self harmed too. I suffered from severe panic attacks and anxiety.

When I walked in the door of my first AA meeting after having called the helpline I felt at home. Those folk understood me and guided me. They reached me where others couldn't.

I guess I am telling you this in the hope that you feel some hope and that there is masses of hope for her too. If she has reached a point of desperation, I hope she makes a call to AA......

Love and support to you both,

That you said you "gently confronted" her almost made me weep. That is so kind.
Louisa xx

ferrisdp · Senior Member

If she does quit cold turkey, it is best to talk to your physician first. Severe withdrawl symptoms can be dangerous and might require medical supervision/treatment.

Jerry F · MIP Old Timer

Aloha Mick...I was also married to addicted and alcoholic women at one time and am
AA myself. If your spouse has been to other professionals for help she knows better
than yourself that she has a problem and might also becoming aware that you are
taking it on yourself.

My suggestion is go to the Al-Anon Family Groups page at this Miracles in Progress
site and bring your perceptions and request for help there as there is where the
spouses, friends and associates of alcoholics and addicts gather for support of and
for each other.

Click off this page and you should reach the face page for MIP with the selection
blocks for the different rooms. Click on Al-Anon and start.

(((((hugs)))))

happycamper · MIP Old Timer

I too was diagnosed with anxiety, its all a part of the alcoholism.

I would highly suggest having your wife see your/her family doctor for an evaluation and possible detox.

In the meanwhile look up Alcoholics Anonymous in your area and find an open meeting so that both you and your wife can go together. Then .. find Alanon for yourself, cuz you're gonna need it.

Your wife is a very, very sick person if she is in fact alcoholic and there is plenty of help available to her. She has to want it in order for it to work properly.

Best of luck to you and her both, may God bless you and be with you on this journey :)

angelov8 · MIP Old Timer

My experience as an alcohlic has been that I had to want help to find it. I have heard others say that intervention and rehab was the spark for them. After I got sober I realized that I am married to an alcoholic and I feel sometimes more crazy than before I stopped drinking. I have recently started the Alanon program and gotten a glimpse of peace through connecting with others in that program who have or had a loved one that drinks alcoholically. An alcoholic is a person who has a disease that tells them they are not sick. As much as I want to, or feel that it is loving and caring to try to help or control my husbands drinking, it is out of my hands. In order for me to stay sane, I have to concentrate on myself. I am finding this is the loving thing to do, and I have found that there is a lot to be learned and gained through the Alanon program.
I hope this helps in some way and I sure feel for you.

McGowdog · Veteran Member

Don't stand in front of her if she looks like she's gonna puke.

She's been drinking for 2 years? Would you say she was a drinker when you met her or would you say she got that way after she met you?

If she's a real alky, she needs to hit a bottom, aka finish her drinking. Then and only then can she even want to consider a shot at a sober life. This being the case, I wouldn't beat myself up if I was you. I suspect you did NOT cause this condition and you're not gonna fix it.

If she's a danger to herself and others, I'd sit her down and have a serious talk where you let her know you're gonna take care of A#1, aka YOU... first and foremost and mean it. If she's not alky, but a bad case hard drinker, this just might be the sufficient reason she needs to "stop or moderate".

But if she's real alky, she just might need spiritual help... aka the 12 Step program. But... this is something that she needs to take a very active role in.

Hmmm... I met my wife sober and had a couple of bouts with alcohol after we got married, but I never ever ever drank booze in front of her. Funny thing about my wife; she met me sober and she likes me sober. If I drank in front of her, I would fully expect her to dump my ass and send me packin'.

Not a happy scenerio. But guess what? That's the way booze is. This situation is not sentimental... because booze is not sentimental. Is a harsh sob.

Go well and good luck.