I'm just about to 90 days no alcohol and I'm feeling frustrated with AA. It's because I don't have a sponsor yet my schedule is demanding and I have been to lots of meetings in many different cities and haven't developed any relationships really. I feel like an outcast in some ways. I don't even know if I know how to meet and talk to people any more. There was a time when I was drinking that I would get in that mood and have a great time meeting and talking to people. How destructive it was to chase after that.
Anyway, I don't even think about not drinking any more really so I have that going for me very early in recovery. I just plain got so sick of the way my life was and was consciously beating it down before I even stopped. At first, I didn't think about drinking but I was thinking about not drinking. The thought of having a drink has happened a few times in passing but it was easily dealt with. Now, I'm in a place where I don't worry about any of that...however I still have a lot of crap thinking going on. It's almost like I spun in circles for so many years and had an obsession with alcohol that I don't even know how to think right. I've been an alcoholic through my teen years and my entire adult life.
I'm frustrated because I want to get out of this mess that is in my brain. I want to work the steps but feel I need guidance. I've done some of the work but need a sounding board and also some moral support about what I'm going through that others just don't understand. I have never asked anyone to sponsor me.
If you can't tell...I didn't get to a meeting tonight LOL. I needed to rant about my frustration. I spoke to a counselor today and he asked me if I was working the steps I told him I am trying to do some of it on my own but I don't have a sponsor yet. I later thought about what he was thinking. Was he thinking that I wasn't serious because of my response? Well that is the crap in my brain worried about what he's thinking!
What is recovery like? Can this stuff that permeates my thought patterns ever go away? I'm eager to find this sanity because I do not have it even though I'm very comfortable with being a non-drinker. I know if I ever have the thought to try and pick up it's very simple that I am rationalizing and will be right back where I started. I really think I have conquered the drinking issue in a way that is permanent especially knowing that all I need to do is not drink today and it will just happen. But the alcohol seems to have destroyed my brain and ability to think right consistenly.
typ0 wrote:I have never asked anyone to sponsor me. For some reason this is the sentence that stood out for me
I related to every single thing you wrote
I remember going to a therapist and going on and on and on and on and on and asking "What do I do??????"
She always said, "You have your answers, you KNOW what to do, it's just a matter of you getting off your butt and doing it"
but but but
God I hated her sometimes
she was right though, I see you were very clear about writing down what your problems are, and it's obvious you know what the solution is
As far as getting to know people at meetings, I have traveled extensively over the years and moved a few times (in sobriety) and I always found the answer was raising my hand, introducing myself, and telling the truth, "I need some (same sex) phone numbers and fellowship, I am" (pick one):
A) New here B) New To AA C) Looking for a Sponsor D) New to the Area E) On Vacation F) Not really "connecting" and I need to G) All of the above
I have never failed to get the desired response
You have your answer, and yes it gets better, untreated alcoholism is an awful way to live, and invariably leads to either drinking or being homicidal and suicidal, and the way we treat alcoholism in AA is working the steps with a sponsor and then attending meetings in order to "carry the message to the alcoholic that is still suffering" (which is us until we do the steps) but carrying the message is part of our treatment as well
I was always asked, "which would you rather be, part of the solution or part of the problem" and the answer is always "Action" or "Love" which is the same thing really
Well, it's good you know what the answer is, most people lead their entire lives without having an answer as simple as the one you have
God will steer, but you gotta row
-- Edited by LinBaba on Tuesday 26th of October 2010 09:33:36 PM
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
I had the same feelings at about 90 days of sobriety. I did not want to drink but it started to dawn on me that it was all about my messed up thinking and pouring liquor down my throat was a symptom of that. Anyhow, if you want to change you have to do some things that are uncomfortable but good for you. It probably was not easy to go to your first meeting but you seem glad you did it. Now, take the next step and put yourself out there. Get a sponsor. What are you afraid of? It is great that you don't feel like drinking at the moment, but it wont last if you don't get to work. Ask people for their phone numbers too and then call them. Heck...PM me and you can have mine if you want. That is what we do in AA ok? Stop worrying about what other people think and just take the next step and work your recovery with a sponsor and other people from AA. You will be grateful you did.
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I also felt the same way after about 90 days. I tend to be a bit shy, so meeting people was hard unless I stuck out my hand first. I made myself do it. Around that time I got a sponsor and we immediately worked the steps (after he tested my willingness).
Working the steps changed my thinking. It was and is still work, but it's well worth the effort. It's changed my life in all facets, personal relationships, work itself and work relationships, etc. I'm happy for the first time in many years. And I mean genuinely happy -- I wake up without the dread for the day I used to have.
LinBaba and pinkchip gave you good advice, I'd use their ESH and get to work, you will not be disappointed.
90 days is a tough period for some people. It takes several months sometimes for your brain chemicals to get straightened out, so don't take your mood swings too seriously. Emotions won't kill you. Just keep on one day at a time. And do get some exercise, it's very calming. And ice cream helps. Yum!
I also often didn't feel like I belonged in meetings. Maybe you need to try some other meetings and you'll find a group of people you click with.
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Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's, and unto God that which is God's.
zz brings up a very good point about trying different meetings. Find a home group -- a meeting that you particularly like and with a alot of sobriety in the room. And get involved. Once you get involved you will meet people and feel welcomed and much more comfortable. It worked for me -- in fact, I went on my first speaking comittment on Saturday with some members of my home group. They asked and I jumped at the chance.
