I've been wondering for some months now if I am an alcoholic. My mother is an active alcoholic, and I am married to an alcoholic that has been in recovery almost 2 years now. I have been in Alanon for about 2 years. For about 6 months now, I have been drinking 3 or 4 times a week at home (while my husband is at meetings) and hiding it from my husband. Or trying to hide it, in any event - he has never said anything to me at all, but he might know. To justify hiding it, I would tell myself that I just didn't want him to know because I felt like I wasn't supportive of his sobriety by drinking at home.
I am 32, and at particular periods in my life I know I have heavily abused alcohol. During these times, I've made some really bad decisions. At first it was funny to my friends how I acted at those times, but eventually they would just roll their eyes because I was obnoxoius. I've physically hurt myself when I was drunk and trying to cook dinner, have really embarrassed myself, have started drama that didn't need to be started, had an accident with my car while trying to park it in a covered parking place and hit one of the pillars holding the structure up (sounds minor, but cost 4k to repair my car), and during the worst drunk I had, I went home with a guy I met in a bar - to find out about a few weeks later that I was pregnant. I didn't even know the guy's last name. I terminated the pregnancy and put it out of my mind - just totally pretended it never happened, and never felt anything about it. I would have never thought during all this time that I was an alcoholic, because these episodes occurred on a random basis. I didn't drink like my mother - starting at 5pm every day until she passed out at 8 or 9 for the evening. I didn't drink every day, didn't drink in the mornings, never missed work, and never got arrested or went to jail.
I had a baby in 2009 and didn't drink during my pregnancy or for several months after my baby was born. I also have a 9 year old from a previous marriage. In the last 6 months or so, as I said before, I have started to drink 3 or 4 times a week. There have been multiple occasions that I have put my children to bed and left them home alone while I went to the gas station around the corner to buy alcohol. I am so horribly ashamed to admit that. In the last couple of weeks, I've realized that when I do start drinking, I don't want to stop. I'm not sure I can stop if I wanted to...if I know I will only have 30 minutes to have a drink, I won't have the drink at all because it's not enough time to drink as much as I think I will want to drink. It's always been that way when I drank. Although it might not be every day, when I would do it, I would never just have 1 or 2 - I would drink until I thought if I drank anymore I'd get physically sick (which happened sometimes). As I'm starting to honestly evaluate the situation, it just doesn't sound like the way normal people drink.
I feel horrible - like the worst mother for leaving my babies alone. I feel like I've been unavailable to my husband because by the time he gets home on the nights I've been drinking, all I want to do is go to sleep.
I haven't had a drink in about a week - I told myself after the last one that since I couldn't drink responsibly, I couldn't drink at all. I've never ever experienced a physical craving for alcohol, and it hasn't been an issue to abstain.
I guess the point is, I'm not sure what I'm accepting here. I'm not sure if I qualify as an alcoholic, and I feel like I don't want to claim the title if it doesn't fit. Am I just in denial about whether it fits?
In Alanon, we never give advice to others. I don't know if that is the same here. I've been to open AA meetings with my husband, but since all of them were speaker meetings, they didn't read guidelines at the beginning. If anybody has a story similar to mine, would someone please share with me? I just don't know what to do next.
Welcome. I think you'll find we're a pretty gentle group here, thanks for coming. I've been sober about 15 months. No particular restriction against advice per se in AA, but I'll just relate a couple of things I've read and heard at meetings.
Healthy people use alcohol as an aid to fellowship, conviviality, and celebration, and in very small quantities. Only you can say if your drinking alcoholically, but if you're drinking to avoid pain or to help deal with anything, or have started to suffer expensive or dangerous consequences, or feel remorse over drinking, that's a pretty clear set of signs.
Physical cravings often take the form of feelings of anxiety or dread, so you may have felt them without knowing that's what they were. I know I thought I was going bonkers after a couple of days without a drink, but just thought it was "nerves".
Maybe you should talk to your doctor and a counselor at a substance abuse clinic to get additional opinions. This might help cement in your mind what you already suspect is true. If you have insurance, it will most likely be covered and is completely confidential. A little outpatient treatment is always an attractive option if that's what you need.
All of us can say that we thought living without alcohol was IMPOSSIBLE. If that's where you are now, let me assure you that it IS possible and you won't become some kind of fun-less zombie. It just takes a little time to adjust to the new lifestyle. Also, it's amazing how all the REST of life's problems got easier to deal with when we stopped.
Let me encourage you by saying you've taken a HUGE step by just asking the question. Knowing your life is off-kilter and desiring change is a big hurdle that not everybody can pass. Congratulations, God bless, Good luck, and DO keep chiming in with questions and updates.
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Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's, and unto God that which is God's.
Yep, alot of ppl get to AA thru the back door of Alanon.
Id suggest going to a closed AA meeting , maybe a few of them ( and not with hubby - who btw.. Id bet a dollar to a donut he knows about your drinking ) and see if you think you belong there. Get the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous and read the first 164 pages, read it more than once as you might find yourself on those pages.
I usually tell ppl that I will promise them 2 things.
#1. If you are alcoholic and want to stop drinking, AA can and will help you and your life will get better than you ever could have imagined if you do the work and stick with the program.
#2. If you continue to drink, your life will get worse ... guaranteed.
A. He knows. B. Sounds like you have a pretty good idea, too. You'll do what's right for you, everyone has to come to their own conclusions at their own pace. I agree with Toad...go to a meeting and see how much you can relate to everyone there. It was like coming home to me, but that's ME. xoxo Amy
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"Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle." ~Anonymous
Hi Sunshine, welcome to the board. This is not AA, it's a message board where we talk about AA, recovery etc... so there are no "rules" besides be nice and don't let me see you cursing lol. I related to most of your drinking tendencies and felling about it. I also have had alcoholic parents and was married to an alcoholic. I'd like to tell you that you fit but it's not my job lol. It sounds like you're in the progression and it hasn't hit critical mass Yet. But that I mean that you want to drink but, for now, you don't Have to drink. You are obsessing about it quite a bit and that's not something that "normal" drinkers do, neither do they have to hide it, or bargin with themselves. Here's a definition of addiction that I like by John Bradshaw ~ "An addiction is a Pathological (Love to / Have to) relationship to a mood altering substance or event that has life damaging consequences." I think that you've described both sides of that equation. There are some here that will argue with what I'm about to say. There are no good reasons to drink and an awful lot of reasons not to. You've had your share of consequences from drinking and some shame about the same. Quitting while your ahead and using program to do it, to me, would be the wise thing to do and defining yourself (as and alcoholic) is not really necessary. "The only requirement is a desire to stop drinking"
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Saturday 23rd of October 2010 11:23:53 PM
Aside from focusing in so much on the problem of drinking, it might help you decide what to do if you focus on what you'd be gaining by living a sober life.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
AA is a work of genius and you`ve just got to go to meetings, read the blue book If you fall off get back on again and before you know it your mind is clear and your emotions come back-not all good but not all bad either. I think its called life.
