Resentments that I need to let go of. I pray for this every morning and every night. Some days they're on the back burner, but some days they're still boiling away. It sickens me to feel this way......
The man in life is wonderful, usually. We've been "on again, off again" for over 2 yrs. I don't know if I'm in love with him or not. Some days I think I am. He's not in love with me, he has told me he cares deeply but I am not "the one". I have always appreciated his honesty, and I have tried over and over to accept this, some days it works, since I've been in recovery it's been working better, until today. He is my best friend, he's always in my corner, he doesn't judge me and he tries to understand me, and he's always been there when I needed him. He's seen me at my worst, and says he looks forward to seeing my at my best. He tells me how he see's me growing and changing in the AA program.....
Is he giving me false hope when we're together. Is it my alcoholic mind that keeps me hoping if I hang on long enough one day he'll fall in love with me. Our relationship has changed for the better since I've been in recovery......... He called and asked me to come and eat with him and his son last night. Dinner was great, we watched an awesome movie (ya'll check out Million Dollar Baby), his son went to bed, we had a little "alone time" and ended up falling asleep, I had no intention of staying the night, but it ended up that way. Here's where the resentment comes in. I KNOW he goes to church every Sunday he's off work, I have spent many Saturday nights there and cooked and waited for him to return from church on Sunday. He doesn't want me to attend church with him, he's told me this, I resent that. I resent what is fact - that mostly all I'm good for is "alone time" . I say " mostly " because we do other things sometimes, but rarely. He goes on vacation without me, he doesn't want me to go. Sometimes I find myself being jealous and resenting his children. That REALLY sickens me. His son is wonderful, I love this kid as much as I love my own. His daughter is another story. I see a lot of me in her in a lot of ways, at that age. Sneaky, selfish, self centered, but I realize she is only a 19 yrs old and she's trying to find her own way. Sometimes I want to just shake him and scream "wake up", it's not my place. Don't get me wrong, she is a GREAT young woman with a bright future. I resent his children when they take his time away from ME <how SICK is THAT>...... I've never met the rest of his family, nor does he want me too, he's told me. I know that his brother knows about me, but don't know "what" he knows. He will go back home next weekend, he visits them as often as he can, he's good man who loves his family, and I resent them taking time away from me, I resent him for not wanting to take me with him....... I know the answer to all of this, but don't have the courage at this point in my life to change it. I more scared of being without him than being with him. I am praying for courage today. I have been told (by God) what the answer is many times but I've chosen not to listen. I know this will come back and bite me in ass once again. I can't let go, YET. I wonder if I can just accept the way our relationship works, it will be oK. I wonder if I continue to grow the day will come when he does fall in love with me. And as I said, some days I can be OK with this. Some days I don't want to be with him. I like my little home, my little career, my little life, my alone time......... But I want a future. I want a family, I want, me, me, me. I want him to do what I want him to do!!!
I'm trying to Let go and Let God......
And the saga continues.......
Love you all
Doll
p.s. Honey, if you read this, I'm sorry but getting honest is what this program is about. If I can't be honest, then it does me no good.
-- Edited by Doll at 12:21, 2005-08-21
-- Edited by Doll at 13:22, 2005-08-21
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* We eventually realize that just as the pains of alcoholism had to come before sobriety, emotional turmoil comes before serenity. *
What I've learned in sobriety is that nothing changes if nothing changes. So i guess you need to ask yourself...What are you willing to accept?
There is nothing wrong with hoping for the best, but if it is affecting your sobriety then it isn't good. Your sobriety is the NUMBER ONE thing in your life, because without it you won't have anything. You mentioned that God had already given you an answer but you weren't ready to listen yet, and that's ok. My grandma sponsor and I were just talking about that the other day...and she said..."you can tell God that right now you are being a willful child, that you can't let go of it yet, but do NOT turn your back on God. Make sure that you keep God in your life." And so I prayed that I be able to live with the pain and asked God to stay with me through this.
As you grow in sobriety you will change...I started to have some integrity and morals. The things I used to do were no longer acceptable for me. And so things started to get different for me, and my family and husband didn't like all the changes. And that's ok, because it wasn't for them, it was for me and my relationship with God.
Things'll get better...stay sober, call your sponsor, and get that 4th step done. You'll feel so much better once you do your 5th and move on. Email me if you need anything...
If you love someone, It doesnt mean, that they are truly going to love you back. Maybe they are incapable of loving.
There is some one out there that will tho, there really is.
And God will put that person in your life--in His time. There are sometimes lessons and learning experiences, to go through first, before that happens.
My thoughts for tonight.
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Easy Does it..Keep It Simple..Let Go and Let God..
Sometimes out of fear--and staying with whats familiar--sometimes with hope, as each day goes by, that things will change--we stay stuck. We rationalize--make excuses--think that its us-but yu know? Sometimes it just isnt us.:)
Been there. And have done it with my heart in full throttle.--knowing deep down that I was banging my head against a wall.--but I kept banging my head against that wall--with hope. I took the bruises, till I could take them no more. In the process I lost ME. And finally had to give in to what was real.
As much as I still can look at that situation,-- and still love--I Let Go. You know what happened when I did that Doll?
God opened other doors--I found my identity, --one that Ide lost, trying so hard to be, what others wanted me to be--and realized finally, that "I cant live my life through others". And that sometimes, others just dont change" Theres noone to blame. Thats just the way it is sometimes.
Today, I live my life for ME--and I do that "WITH OTHERS"--I give love to others that can accept true love-and get true love in return.
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Easy Does it..Keep It Simple..Let Go and Let God..
YOU KNOW SOME DAYS I AM JUST TRYING TO SORT OUT WHERE I GOT MYSELF.
GOT INTO A LOT OF THINGS I REALLY DON'T CARE ABOUT. A LOT OF THEM WERE FOR WIFE AND I THOUGHT I MIGHT WANT THEM AT THE TIME. NOW HERE I AM. SOME OF THE THINGS AND STUFF JUST DOSEN'T MATTER. I ASK MYSELF WHO AM I LIVING FOR. SHE JUST CAN'T SEE I WANT SOME CHANGE. IF NOTHING CHANGES NOTHING CHANGES.
YOU WORK SO HARD TO GET WHERE U ARE AND THEN U DON'T WANT TO BE THERE. i DON'T KNOW IF I'M MAKEING MUCH SENSE. i SAY I BUILT A MONSTER THAT WANTS TO EAT ME.
IN MY CASE I HAVE HIGH MAT. PROPERTY AND TO MUCH STUFF. JUST A LOT OF WORK I DON'T NEED. YOU WORK SO HARD TO TRY TO PLEASE OTHER PEOPLE AND YOURSELF, THEN U FIND OUT IT DIDN'T WORK AND ALL U WANT IS SIMPLE!!! JUST GOTTA SEE WHAT THE DAY BRINGS. IF GOD HAS A SIMPLE PLAN FOR ME HE WILL REVEAL IT. SOME DAYS I'M JUST CONFUSED. PHIL SAID IT FEAR FAMILIAR AND HOPE THINGS CAN CHANGE. SEE I'M CONSTANTLY TOLD THERE IS NO WORK AND IF THERE IS I WOULD BE BORED WITH OUT IT.
WHAT HAPPENED TO A WALK IN THE WOODS, FISHING AT A STREAM. THE BALANCE BETWEEN
IT ALL?????? BANGING THE HEAD AGAINST THE WALL??? IV'E BEEN WORKING EVER SO SLOWLY AT CUTTING BACK. I DON'T KNOW IF LOVE IS AN ISSUE WITH ME. IT'S JUST HARD TO BE DIFFFERENT PEOPLE GOING IN DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS. SOMEDAYS ARE GREAT-- I GUESS AT THIS POINT GOD WILL DISCLOSE MORE AS WE GO ON. I LOVE PAGE 164 OF THE BB. IF U DON'T KNOW WHAT IT SAYS TRY READING IT. MY GRANDAUGHTER CAME HOME LAST EVE.
NOW I HAVE TO LET GO, WHO KNOWS WHAT THE FATHER MAY DO NEXT!! SEE NEEDS A LOT OF CARE. WILL SEE GGET IT?? WHO KNOWS??? ON AND ON
BETTER GO TO A MEETING TODAY, MAYBE I CAN HELP SOMEONE
I know exactly what you mean. I've pretty much always gotten what I wanted, just to find out all too soon, I really DIDN'T want.......... then I move on to the next one!
You've helped me, today.
Love,
Doll
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* We eventually realize that just as the pains of alcoholism had to come before sobriety, emotional turmoil comes before serenity. *
