Initially I struggled to get a grip on page 69 of BB, I don't/didn't have a sex inventory but I got around it by changing the word sex to love. And boy was it there.
I find nobody talks about it, except for the don't do it bit. I find it difficult to associate with people who take this page literally who tend to be male and those that don't - female (their are also educational/social patterns).
Which then leads onto - I generally find most people I associate with are female. I've even seen this on this forum, which again questions is this sex related? but I didn't know the sex of anonymous people on this forum.
My sponsor says I should stay away from relationships for another year ....... but (of course their would be a but). I haven't a clue how to do that, I start friendships with no obvious love/sex intent but next minute I'm having emotions start firing (jealousy). The last one ended up with a lot of cuddling but both of us are showing fear of being together and now its very ambiguous. If AA was a dating agency we'd show up as a very high match, even our emotions/fears/views are currently in sync and the cuddling/sex - I can't remember anything like that for 20 years, we haven't even got onto first base yet. However I think her fear is far worse and I'll just have to wait until she's in a more secure emotional position - that waiting is going to be awful.
Kev, Not sure how long you've been sober or what your program looks like, but for me there was a lot of change going on in my first couple years of working the program. Building honest relationships with other people are difficult for an alcoholic. I found by working the steps with a sponsor that I started to build a relationship with God(Steps 1-3, 6 & 7), myself(Steps 4 & 5), and others(Steps 8 & 9). Until I did that and practice Steps 10, 11 & 12 on a daily basis, I wasn't ready for any meaningful relationship. It would've been more of the same.......
The Steps changes a persons thinking and outlook on life(review the Promises). What I thought I needed during the first 2 years is much different than today. What I would've settled for in the past is unacceptable to me today. My sponsor reminds me that people are ready for a relationship with the opposite sex when they don't need to be in a relationship. At that point; one is healthy enough for an honest and worthy relationship. Just my experience.....
It's not awful Kevin...time is passing slowly for you now, but in reality, a year goes by very quickly. You can't control being sweet on someone and having those feelings...You can wait. I did not listen to the suggestion on not getting into a relationship in the first year. It didn't make me drink, but it did slow down my progress. There was a break up and the break up did hurt. The break up happened when I changed so much that I was no longer compatible with the person. The fears I had started dissipating and I became free...I became more free from alcohol, free from the bondage of myself, and free from needing that relationship. Now, knowing that this might happen to you...Do you want to go through it? I can tell you it was not all that worth it to have the relationship...so you can leave me with the experience of the lame 1st year relationship and consequent break up and not have to have it yourself :) Hang in there and be grateful you have a good female friend there that might become something else later on. It's all good and all good things in time.
Mark
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I suppose I am being cautious in a way. Had a really shocking memory return, when last had that feeling was followed months after by my first blackout. The only other problem was realising I'd not loved any of my kids mums or any other girl. It's shaken me a little to say the least.
Plus my head is saying she is the one, no thoughts of drinking but I'm associating a lot of bb books with women not beer
Simply put, you have not lived any of life on life's terms for a while. This does not mean all your relationships up to this point have been BS, but it's understandable that you would come to the realization that your former relationships were impaired on many levels. It only makes sense because YOU were impaired. Don't be shocked. Be grateful for the revelation because it is these types of thoughts that are going to shape your future relationships for the better. Also, when you figure out major stuff like that...Don't dwell on it too much. Self revelation is not supposed to hurt. Go easy on yourself. At least you are facing up to this stuff. Most people never do.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
hi Kev, our tricky minds and wanting something badly enough can make just about anything "ok" so put on the brakes for awhile and enjoy all the things you can learn about yourself and your girl and your higher power if you limit the physical and emphasize the steps. hugs jj/sheila
