Hi All, I need help but don't know how to get it...There's no doubt I'm an alcoholic but I've also been diagnosed with a mood disorder (which I believe most of my extended paternal family suffers from in some form, along with alcoholism - go figure!). I'm on medication which has helped immensely but still not 100% (and maybe never will be). What am I trying to say?! I drink a lot & I'm nuts. Between the two I don't know what to do. I know I need to quit drinking but I convince myself I don't...I guess I'd be called a Functioning Alcoholic. I don't drink during work, I don't miss work because of it, for the most part I don't embarrass myself. I do find myself with a drink in my hand at around 5pm, where it will remain until I crash for the night (with the possibility of NOT remembering things in the morning). All can be used to argue for/against drinking. I realize this is rationalizing & has nothing to do with mental issues.
The nuts part comes in when I consider trying to DO something...Anything. At bad times this could be cleaning the house, taking a shower, etc. (I work from home so I'm in PJ's most of the time). At "good times" I'm so ready to GO that my mind races with possibilites (none of them AA). The idea of getting dressed, leaving the house and attending a meeting with a bunch of people I don't know, for purposes I'm not convince of...Difficult to say the least.
By the way, my mood disorder is cyclothymia, which involves significant ups & downs (though not to the greatest exent possible)...FYI for anyone in the same boat.
I feel like I need someone to MAKE me do something. I don't believe I can do it by myself.
You'll know them in about five seconds. They speak your language. I went to my first meeting tonight, and I feel better than I have about myself in YEARS.
Also, I do the same thing with my moods, but I know what that disease is: Alcoholism. I don't drink because I'm nuts, I'm nuts BECAUSE I drink. I want off this scary-go-round.
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"Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle." ~Anonymous
Recognise me just a few months/years before my crash, from what you said.
Put simply. I knew I couldn't drink when I turned up. For me it was knowing and accepting I couldn't do it on my own in that first meeting. Just their manner, dress, etc told me I knew I wanted what they had - nothing more or less.
It's been my experience that true psychological or "mood disorders" can't effectively be treated until the alcohol has been removed from the equation. Taking meds for psychological disorders while drinking a mood altering substance never worked for me. I used a depressant (alcohol) to self medicate my depression. Doesn't make much sense, does it? What I had to come to terms with was that my alcoholism was a disease, that I was allergic to alcohol and couldn't use it at all. Once I put down the bottle I was able to start making the complete psychological change the BB talks about. In other words, I had to change my thinking. The spiritual part of AA is what helps me make those changes on a day to day basis. I'll never make all the changes I need to make, but this is about progress, not perfection.
K.....
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Nothing ever truly dies. The universe wastes nothing. Everything is simply, transformed. :confuse:
What K said. From my experience; it's difficult to diagnosis a mood disorder when alcoholism is involved. The alcoholism must be treated first, then a re-evalation on the mood disorder. The mood disorder may just be part of your untreated alcoholism. I don't pretend to be a Doctor, just providing what I've learned in AA.
When I was sick in tired of being sick in tired I became desparate enough to change my life. I tried to change it on my own and it didn't work. I knew I needed the help of others. AA provided that help. It's normal for people to fear going to meetings. The fellowship at the meetings will understand. We've all been in your shoes. The fellowship will love you until you can love yourself.
I was convinced I had several psychiatric disorders when I came into AA. Withn a period of months I developed an understanding that over a good deal of time and learning some greater coping skills, I might not suffer mood and anxiety problems the way I used to. This comes from a person with diagnosed and treated depression and anxiety for over 11 years when I came to AA. It has slowly gotten better and better and I am down to taking very little medication at all now. I may always require some, but you will not know how much your mood problems are due to and affected by alcohol until alcohol is removed from the picture for quite some time. I can promise you that the alcohol IS obscuring and worsening your mental health problems and I know that from direct experience but also from being in the field of mental health. I don't know why I didn't realize or accept it at the time, but why did I ever think adding a depressant in copious quantities, in conjunction with other drugs for depression would aid me in any way?!! Alcoholism perhaps? I functioned just like you described for many years...until it got worse and I got lonely at home, tried to take my alcoholic act on the road and crashed my car drunk. I also started having serious health problems. My organs were swollen, my stomach distended. I had dry heaves most mornings, and I had the shakes all the time. I honestly thought the shakes were due to my "anxiety disorder" and it was not until over 6 month had passed that the shakes went away and i learned different. And yes, I did keep a job through all that...though most people were really catching on by the end.
Alcohol turned me from a social person into a recluse. It turned me from a person that wanted to accomplish so many things in life to a person that accepted my life was crap and wanting to just numb myself to everything. It robbed me of all spirituality and meaning. Even when I felt good, I used all that energy to go out and drink and then accrue more drama and BS to feel bad about. So yeah...moodiness did result from my drinking. It turned me from a young man with all kinds of hope to a middle aged cynic who was afraid of everything. Alcohol wrecked me so thoroughly that I was, and remain, done with it. Thank God!
I basically just want to promise you that it does get better and you need to open up and allow others and the fellowship of AA in for this to begin to happen. The scary progression from being in your pajamas all day and then drinking in your house all night is to then have your body start shutting down and having more blackouts, panic attacks, need more meds, start passing out around the house, and try an cover it up so nobody really knows while you are keenly aware that you are living in hell and can't see a way out. I know this because I have been there. Reach out, go to a meeting. Don't be afraid because there are people who have been through just what you are describing waiting for you there...People just like me. Welcome!
In support,
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I can really identify with your drinking. I think that I had a drink a lunchtime at work maybe once or twice in 10 years and that was two bottles of beer.
I came into work hungover all the time and probably smelling of booze from the night before, but I was never drunk on the job. I felt like hell and like crying, was going to pieces on the inside, but was never drunk on the job.
So, I wasn't sure that I was an alcoholic.
Of course, the whole day was spent thinking about getting to the pub night that and starting the whole cycle over again. But again, I didn't think that I was an alcoholic.
Let's just say, it took me quite a bit more pain for me to believe that.
In the end, all I had to do was really admit to myself that I simply could not guarantee my behavior when I took just one drink. That was enough to get me started. I could have saved myself (and a lot of other people) a world of hurt if I'd been able to make that admission earlier, but the good part is that I did in the end.
YOU don't need to take the elevator all the way to the sub-basement if you don't want to. AA is here for you. It sounds corny, but I have seen miracles happen in AA, even in my relatively brief time in.
I love the term "functional alcoholic" cause it is kinda sorta how I saw myself and then came to understand I was just looking at one very small part of the picture. If alcohol is negatively affecting any part of your life...you're not fuctional and you need to do what you are doing right now...reaching out for help.
I'm glad you're here and have received some great feedback which I hope you take positive response to. Nothing like a sober, loving, caring, supportive alcoholic to help another one save and repair their life beyond their wildest dreams.
First, thank you all so much for replying...Yes, those of you who said I need to stop drinking if there's any chance of dealing with my mood disorder are absolutely correct - a recent discussion about this (again) w/ my shrink is actually what got me to this forum.
Again, thanks, I can really relate to your comments. I'm not the same person I once was. I had goals and plans and dreams, was always working on some project or another, was in great shape physically. Now I rarely leave the house and my brain is actually deteriorating. My memory is completely USELESS. I'm constantly struggling to find the word I'm looking for (at really bad times too, like business meetings - I sound like a complete idiot). I can barely do basic math in my head anymore! What a waste...I've turned the situation over in my mind a million times but I've never actually DONE anything about it. Many times I've wondered if I'd have to hit bottom before I make the leap. I'm going to try and get myself to a meeting SOON. Maybe an online meeting first...Work my way up. In the meantime I'll definitely check out the web site/forum.
Thank you all so much for your support...I really needed to hear from people who could relate.
