Howdy, and congrats on 2 months!

You're not alone. So many of us felt the way that you did. I can remember waking up mornings in utter, total fear and praying "please God, kill me now. I can't go on like this." Thankfully, God didn't grant that prayer. ;)

You've mentioned going through the motions and knowing what you need to do. I did the same thing. What I found, over time, that the more that I gave to AA and working the program, the better I felt. I dunno, I found that getting to as many meetings as I can, and working the steps with a sponsor, really DID change the way that I felt. Sometimes I still feel bad, useless, worried, hopeless. But I know how the tools to deal with those feelings and I certainly don't need to drink on them.

Before, the FIRST port of call whenever those feelings surfaced was the pub. Now, I don't even think about the pub. Funny, I just noticed driving to my meeting last night that I don't even look at the people smoking outside of the pub.

This is not my doing, it's all happened b/c I went through the motions at first and then started to work the program of AA.

Keep coming back.

Steve

Hello Anon1, and welcome to the board. You've got to totally disregard your feelings and thoughts at this point and just put one foot in front of the other for another 3-6 months till your roller coaster ride of emotions settles. It's all a bunch of BS up in your head and your brain is not your friend right now. Write on paper your goals that you mentioned working for. Write a schedule of daily AA meetings, plus time to eat, sleep, work, do laundry, socialize, exercise. Are you eating well and taking vitamins? Are you going to meetings daily? Have you found a sponsor? Your fears and anxiety will subside a lot when you do these things as you'll know that you're on track with your sobriety obligations. You've got to really want these and remind yourself of the steep consequences if you take that first drink. Your disease wants to kill you, and it is very interested in pushing you over the edge emotionally so that you'll say "**** it" and drink. That's why you need to constantly keep telling your brain to STFU and get yourself to a meeting. Every time you feel like drinking, you need to be on the phone telling another recovering person about it, while you're on your way to a meeting. That's how it works in the short term. Get a sponsor and get on with working the steps so that you can get down to the bottom of why you feel so uncomfortable in your own skin that you have to
medicate yourself every day just to feel "normal". Good luck in your new journey, get busy, and what meeting are you going today?

(((Glorimar)))

You shared

it's hard to explain it to anyone because I don't even know what's going on with me. I don't even know myself anymore.

My emotions were all over the place in early sobriety - going from anger (even rage) to despondency and tears.....it was horrible and I remember it well.  I hated myself - I felt worthless and like I didn't deserve to be on this earth....I just couldn't understand how I had ended up in such a dreadful situation. I was embarrassed and ashamed.

AA changed all that. It is a process and takes time but just to feel so understood and not judged by the beautiful folks in those rooms was a lifesaver for me. before I went, everything and anything just seemed too much. 

I have a bad migraine and am very tired today so I hope this share makes sense but just wanted to say "hello"and "welcome"........I have to say even with this rotten migraine, this still does not compare to those dreadful morning afters when I was drinking....the panic attacks....the shakes....the shame.....

You can do this Glorimar......I promise you you can.......they say......"get your body to a meeting and your head will follow"...........that is what I had to do.....and it worked....inspite of me.

The night I walked through the door of my first AA meeting was one of the most comforting in my life - the sense of relief was remarkable.  The humour, kindness and love of those AA members I will never forget.

The help is there - I did not and could not have done it on my own - God knows i tried for years.

I echo everything that JJ/Sheila has said.

(((A BIG HUG FOR YOU)))) -and those feelings will pass.

With love
Louisa xx

congrats on 2 mts :) every day is a miracle!
change is difficult, you really have to want sobriety, you really have to want it for yourself. but i got sober under the same circumstances being forced by love ones to get help they knew what was right for me then i did not i did not care about me all i wanted to do was be left alone i wasnt hurting anyone but me i took no one else into consideration, looking back as a young woman in recovery i am so grateful to my family for giving me those pushes. ive been in recovery 7yrs slipped after 3 yrs because i was sober for other people and it was some pressure on me to work the programme for others, ive over 4 yrs sober now and i am sober for me and working the suggested programme not traceys special programme and its a hell of a lot easier today/ i think a hell of a lot of me as a person today that i deserve a good life and staying sober is a must in order to maintain that. its the best thing i ever did i went through some vdifficult yrs depression low self esteem angry frustration loneliness isolation disfunctional relationships but ive learned many many lessons along the way, this feelings do pass i wouldnt be enjoying sobriety if they didnt i learn to listen and open up your heart and soul to this programme and you will be just fine! :) good luck :)