They told me in AA in order to keep it, I have to give it away. I've spent too much time in my own head tonight and I'm having "memories" if you will, of the times I was "uncomfortable in my own skin" . Things I had forgotten or just really realized....
Right now the first one that comes to mind is about age 5 or 6. My mom was a single parent and I stayed with her friend quite a bit at that age. This woman had a daughter my age and we were best friends. I remember Angie, my friend, was bigger than me so I got her hand me downs. Well, this one visit Angie had me put on some of those clothes, and we went out and played in the mud. Needless to say her mother was furious when she saw me, and she literally kicked Angie in the shin. It frightened me so badly that I locked myself in her room and it took quite a while for this woman to coax me out......... around age 7-8 my mom was in the hospital, I know now for Valium addiction, and my sister (who was 14 or 15) and I stayed with my sister's boyfriend and his parents <not normal at all> I remember pretending to be asleep in the bed while my sister and Lawrence "made out" on the floor. It made me want to cry, it made me feel sooo uncomfortable, so I just pretended to be asleep and prayed for it to go away......... around age 9-10 , my sister got married, she was 16-17, and she and her husband lived with us. My mom worked nights then and I remember all the moaning, the headboard banging the wall and "oh gods" coming from their bedroom. I would cry until they finally went to sleep. I wanted to SCREAM for them to SHUT UP but for some reason I felt ashamed. Looking back on it I think it made me feel dirty and I didn't really know what was going on at that age. I had trouble that year at school. I hated the 4th grade. I barely passed, I would literally run behind the car when my mom dropped me off in the mornings and cry and scream for her not to leave me there. I ran high fevers for no reason, the doctors found absolutely nothing wrong with me........
Ok, People, I'm having myself a really good, cleansing cry right now. It feels good to get this out. Thanks for letting me share what I have so far. I plan to continue this "story" as needed if no one objects.......
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* We eventually realize that just as the pains of alcoholism had to come before sobriety, emotional turmoil comes before serenity. *
