boydscollector78 wrote:

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....I can not have this around my children.

I dont worry about him around my children. 

I dont have anything to protect them from.

I love him and I want to give him a chance to get better. 

He wasnt like this 3 months ago- he had just relapsed. 

Its gotten worse.  Hopefully it will start getting better now, I will have to see.   

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He wasnt like this 3 months ago- he had just relapsed.
YOU don't know this. You didn't know him then. All you know is what he told you. You've only known him drunk. What if he sobers up? Will he still want you? It is worth the risk?

It will never get better. Only worse.

I wrote that before, but fear and ego will keep you from listening.

You're in for a long and bumpy ride. One day you might remember that people told you to seek out Al-Anon. I hope for you do it for your children.

BTW, you've said what you will do for him, and we can presume what he does for you, but has anyone considered what can be done for THEM?

Reffner wrote:

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I've told my wife if she ever sees me like that again to take the kids and RUN AS FAR AND FAST AS YOU CAN AWAY FROM ME.

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 I did the same thing.  I informed my wife and made her promise that should I ever return to drinking she is to leave me right away and not wait for it to get bad as it gets bad quickly.

Larry,
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Letting Go

To "let go" does not mean to stop caring, it means I cant do it for someone else.

To "let go" is not to cut myself off, its the realization I cant control another.

To "let go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To "let go" is to admit powerlessness,which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another, it is to make the most of myself.

To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about.

To "let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive.

To "let go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.

To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.

To "let go" is not to be protective, it is to permit another to face reality.

To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept.

To "let go" is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.

To "let go" is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.

To "let go" is to fear less and love more.

-- Anonymous

Hi There Boyd,

You fisnished with this:

"Thank You Mark.  I think many of you are right.  I need to move on.  Just from the past couple of days.  He IS feeding me lies.  I know he is.  He thinks Im stupid or something.  Tonight we had a little argument which escalated into him leaving, probably because he wants to drink himself away all weekend.  I think it def is time for me to move on.  Its soooo hard.  Ive been crying all night, but I know it has to be done.  This wont be any kind of life. He wants to be sober I think but wants to snap his fingers and it all go away.  He doesnt want to have to actually do it.  I need to move on.  It will never work.  Never.  I know this.  Wish it wasnt going to be so heartbreaking."
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Emotions seem to be running high, wish you well, I am also Praying that you will stick to your guns, and not Look back.
Once I heard someone say, and wow could I relate, Alcoholic's DON'T Have Relationships, They take Hostages, and it sure felt like a dress that fit this Alke to a T...

Rainspa, as upset as she seem to make you,  was in my little opinion just coming from a clear and Loving Place,  maybe you were not drinking, but surely I did see so much intoxication coming from you - that feeling of falling in Love, as a Professor once lectured was the stongest of all emotions, can bring down Giants of Strength,  we see that all the time in History Books,
 my first thought way back when I started reading this was to say to him, here's my number, keep it in your pocket and when you have put 12 months of Sobriety together, and have a Strong Sponsor that is working thru those 12 Steps of Recovery, when that happens I would love to see you and have a sit down with you and your sponsor as to, are you now ready for a relationship.....

Remember dear, think you got more responses to your Post, mostly because you were asking all of us, that have taken a few "Hostages" and did not want to see that happening to you...

I can think of a real tradegy, ok, lets say you stayed with this guy, and were running late at work, he calls and says, no I have not been drinking today,  (not the truth, we'v all done that one) and you're response is well "if that's the case, will you pick up the kids from school" 

I was neighbors of the five woman that started MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Drivers, and they are solely responsible for all the laws being changed on the drinking issue and driving while under the influence, each one of them lost a child, just about to graduated from High School, at my nieces school.....all seven children killed instantly by a head on with a Drunk Driver.

So so sobering thoughts I will leave you with.....

Because I dont think you can see the forrest for the trees, with the emotions you are feeling.....The Grimness, the real Tragedies, and death and people in Prison for killing others while drinking and driving.

Oops, think I went off of one of my little tangents, sorry,

Praying to GOD that you will prevent you and your children from becoming someone 'Hostage"

Hugs to you, it took courage to come here and write this out, take the heat coming from the kitchen ....)

Tonicakes

boydscollector78 wrote:

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Thank You Mark.  I think many of you are right.  I need to move on.  Just from the past couple of days.  He IS feeding me lies.  I know he is.  He thinks Im stupid or something.  Tonight we had a little argument which escalated into him leaving, probably because he wants to drink himself away all weekend.  I think it def is time for me to move on.  Its soooo hard.  Ive been crying all night, but I know it has to be done.  This wont be any kind of life. He wants to be sober I think but wants to snap his fingers and it all go away.  He doesnt want to have to actually do it.  I need to move on.  It will never work.  Never.  I know this.  Wish it wasnt going to be so heartbreaking.

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boydscollector78 wrote:

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Does intervention work though? I mean really...his mom and 2 sisters- very close family will be there- will it work??

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boydscollector78 wrote:

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And i def think I do look outside to find it inside (love that is). To me I have issues that will never be fixed I guess b/c Ive been in therapy 5 yrs! LOL

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get a different therapist and outside help then, if after 5 years your therapist doesn't just get you in a flying headlock when you walk through the door and announce you have brought home a stray alcoholic to fix, announcing you are "in love" and chain you to the desk, beating you soundly around the head with a rubber chicken, find a therapist with enough love in their heart to tell you the truth, who cares more about you and your childrens well being then about your "feelings" or their paycheck

in my experience it's even harder to find a good therapist then it is a good (wo)man, and we ALL know how empty those waters can be when we be lookin

boydscollector78 wrote:

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I said to him last night- I dont even think I know u. Do i know u???

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This was a good insight, no you don't "know" him, it takes YEARS to get to know someone, therefore it takes years for a healthy love to grow, there is no such thing as instant intimacy, just lust, loneliness and us projecting the qualities we are looking for on another human being, and then when they don't behave in the way our projections do we get mad at them, or fall out of love with them, when all along we never paid attention to who they really were anyway, even though they gave us the information, we choose to ignore it

As my Avatar states:

we're flawed because people tell us who they are but we ignore it because we want them to be who we want them to be..

We're flawed because we want so much more...we're ruined because we get these things and then wish for what we had

The thing Larry posted about "To Let Go" has almost all the information you need, now it's just time to learn what that means

boydscollector78 wrote:

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Hey who knows whats going on!  Lets just end it with- Im a screwed up person and so is he!  Guess we were meant for each other!

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So when he keeps drinking after you ask him to stop, and he finally stomps his little foot and storms, "Fine!!! It's all my fault!!! I guess I'm just a screwed up person!!!" and continues drinking, how do you view that behavior? Like a cop-out? Childish?  Like he is not taking responsibility for his own actions and his own behavior?

How many times have you heard him use some form of this to evade responsibility?

Does it sound familiar? Because it is, it is a common tactic used by people addicted to harmful things when confronted to take responsibility for themselves

You ask, "Who knows what's going on?"

I will answer, "Every single person here who has responded to this thread, and every single Sober alcoholic who reads this forum and hasn't responded to this thread"

It's like you have come to the "wheel" forum and asked about wheels, every single person here has years of experience of trying to re-invent the wheel, and have now started following suggestions, like "put an axle through the wheel and it will actually roll", some like Dean and myself have attended "wheel seminars" for years and years, and know the nuts and bolts on how wheels work, but every single person here has tried it your way, spent YEARS trying it your way, spent an entire lifetime trying to re-invent the wheel only to have it not work, and you ask them for help and advice, so they give it to you and you say "but you don't understand"

Yes, yes they do, every single person on this forum understands, and every single responder on this thread has taken personal responsibility and taken action to change their life, you ask them for advice, they give it to you, it's you who chooses to ignore it.

Dean is right, this whole thread is literally word for word textbook, and he is right if you went and read that Coda questionaire and "Codependent No More" you would see yourself in print, word for word, and shortly after throwing up in your mouth a little, you would start laughing, and actually feel relief, because you would know you weren't alone, and you would know there is help, and if you started attending meetings and working the steps, in 2-6 months you would see a new person come in and say every. single. thing. you have said and when you tried to talk to them they would keep interrupting with "you don't understand" and you would see yourself clearly for the first time in your life, and then you would REALLY start laughing, we know, because we have all done this.

I wrote in my first response, "He wants to want to stop", this is a stage in alcoholism or codependency when someone can see the damage being caused by the behavior, and is in considerable pain because of the behavior, but isn't ready to actually take concrete action yet, they make a few vague gestures, and ask for help, but they don't really want it, they aren't willing to listen to suggestions nor take the action necessary in order to actually change, nor will they until they lose everything -OR- until the light actually comes on one day and they wake up one morning and say to themselves, "I can't live like this any more"

Have you purchased the books suggested by Dean?

Have you attended any Al-anon meetings?

Have you attended any Coda meetings?

Have you attended any SLAA meetings? (12 step recovery about relationships)

Have you actually taken any concrete action to work on yourself yet?

Throwing up your hands and saying "I am a screwed up person" without having done a single concrete thing to actually change the situation you are in is a cop-out, absolutely no different then your boyfriend not going to meetings, you get mad at him for supposedly "helping someone else quit drinking" when he won't actually do any work on himself but there you are trying to help him quit drinking while you aren't taking ANY action to work on yourself, how is that different?

you are both addicted to something that is harmful and has negative consequences for yourselves, the difference is he doesn't have the responsibility of raising those children, and you do.

Ferris wrote earlier: "It engulfs all whose lives touch the sufferer's. It brings misunderstanding, fierce resentment, financial insecurity, disgusted friends and employers, warped lives of blameless children, sad wives and parents -- anyone can increase the list. "


you don't need to listen to me, I mean if you only followed the suggestions Dean made your life would change

If nothing changes, nothing changes

However, there is so much support and help and love out there it would make your head spin, look, we care, we really do, IF YOU DO THE WORK AND START TAKING SOME ACTION, if not we can't help you

You asked for help, you asked for advice, you got it, now what are you going to do with it?

boydscollector78 wrote:

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Not sure. I feel overwhelmed this week honestly. I will try. Ive got my OWN life going on as well- 2 kids, schools, doctors, work, school for myself! Im WORN OUT already just reading this stuff u guys write. Im still taking it all in and reading and clicking links. I agree with u.

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hugs Boyd

I understand that, and sorry about the "2x4 love" I showed there, I was trying to get your attention

look, keep coming back, we really care so much, we do, not about him and whether he gets sober, but you and if you get the help you so deserve, you are deserving of love, you are deserving of respect, you are deserving of the best this world has to offer, but until you make some minor changes you won't know how to go about getting those things you deserve so much, you are a child of God, or Buddha, or the flying spaghetti monster, or a daughter of the Great Spirit, whatever you want to call it, and as such you are entitled to so much more then you know is possible

So lets break it down to baby steps, one day at a time, can you buy the "Codependent No More" book by Melody Beatty and promise to read it and do any exercises it has?