OK here goes, and this is hard for me. Not because I am embarrassed but because it still hurts at times to think about the little girl I was and how fast she grew up when it happened.
When I was around 8-10 I was molested by my twin uncles. I have done my resentment list like the BB says to do. And I have made my amends where is was needed. Where I am having a hard time is the 4th column. What have I done in my life where I have used this as an excuse to:
1. I used it to drink (poor me) when I went into rehab I admitted that it happened and started my resentment list about it. On a positive side to it happening when I admitted it, the Secret was out and I have stayed sober since by the Grace of God!
2. I used it saying there was not a God because if there was why would he have let this happen. I know he doesn't "control" other like that. I am a member of a church that I attend regularly now and positively love going.
3. I used it to smother my kids, I didn't want anything like that to happen to them.
4. I used it not to get to close to other people.
5. For a long time I thought I was "flawed" but I know that I will only be a victim if I choose that and I don't choose that. I am a survivor.
6. I now have a boyfriend that knows all about it and says loves me no matter what. That none of it was my fault I was just a little kid.
7. I might have even used it not to be responsible with the bills or maybe it's where my fear of the bills comes in to play. I am not sure.
I bought the book "The Steps We Took" by Joe McQ. and just started reading it. I read and re-read the BB and the 12n12. I just finished reading "Living Sober"
I guess what I am trying to figure out is if this is all I have used the molestation for. I know it is kinda hard for someone else to know how I used it, but maybe someone on here has this happen to them or someone they know. I have been trying to find someone at AA how has gone thru it, but have had no luck so far. I have been talking to a women how lives south (kinda far too far for my van to go) of me that was molested and she said I have a good start on it, but I must pray and ask God to show me. I have done that for the last few years and I can't come up with anything else.
One of my uncles apologized a couple of years ago and I believe he was working the steps then and I accepted it, but the other uncle has not said anything ever about it. When I was in rehab I had to write letters to them and then they had me burn them. I really wanted to tell their wives when I got sober, but the BB says NO that would cause them hurt and we must not do that. I don't see the uncles one is in Florida( the one that said he was sorry) and I pray all the time that he has found AA/NA and is continuing to work the steps. The other one lives in Pennsylvania and I choose not to see him when I go and see my Grandma, but I do pray for healing for him because he was/is a sick person. I won't be going to Pennsylvania to many more years, My grandma is 98 bless her heart. She was my "rock" when I was young and continues to be that to me
So does anyone have anything the think would help me? I want to make sure I am finishing step 4 correctly, this is the 5th time working thru the steps. any help or wisdom would be appreciated. Even if it's getting "down" on something I have said or not said . I want to put this part of my life behind me once and for all.
On another note, I have gone the therapy about it. The therapist seems to think I have done it right. She is a drug and alcohol certified therapist, but is not in the Program herself.
The Big Book says "Progress not perfection" Alcoholics like me sometimes get hung up on doing everything perfectly and as a result we end up not completing anything. It may be time to accept what you have done as good enough and move ahead.
My step four was not perfect by any means but it was good enough to bring me long term serenity and sobriety. Every so often I remember something from the past and I do a mini step 4 though 9 when ever that happens.
I can't prove this but I believe that my Higher Power whom I choose to call God reveals my past to me slowly because he loves me and he knows that I could not handle every thing at once.
(((((((((HUGS)))))))))
Larry, -------------------------- Dear Loved One,
I am dealing with all of your problems today, the easy stuff I can do immediately, the difficult stuff may take a little time, and miracles take much longer, but be assured that I am onto it, please just stay out of my way and let me get on with it.
My Hp, who I call God, has helped heal most the hurt. I don't think about it to often anymore. God have revealed to me many things in the 10 year 5 months (yesterday) and I have come to accept what happened and it was not my fault. I guess I will let it go for now and if God chooses to reveal more to me he will. I needed to go thru what and how I did use it in the past to clean up my side of the street. I have been thinking about it more in the last few weeks because the family is getting together for the wedding. Those uncles are on my mom's side and will not be there. Anyway, thanks for the reply, I do appreciate it
Have you heard the expression in the Program, the layers of the Onion....I have always felt as the first five years went by, MORE and more was reveal, I redid my 4th Step very vigourously in the first five years, as More is Revealed....
Sexual Molestation, I have many many uncles, and I was a daughter of a Brother that had been killed in a Train accident, and instead of being Protective, they did just the opposite, they all had their own kids, the molestations were not extreme, always just very very suggestive, like one example, when in a family grouping one time, my uncle just had his hand on my knee, and when no one else was in the room, slid his hand just a little too far up the inside, and covered his tracks, and removed it when the others returned, and the tickling my some others uncles, where they would get me on a bed, and the tickling would get just a little "wonky" then stop.....sick men, indeed, and the worst one, the secret one, was my own God Father, my Uncle Toni, who had suggest I quit my job, I was just 22, and loved and adored him so much, so went driving down the California Coast, and in a windstorm, we got out and took a bunch of pictures.....it was so fun, they we got back into the car, and he pushed my down on the front seat and was going to kiss me on my mouth, I yelled at him really Loud, Uncle Tony, get the hell Off of me....then we drove in silence to his house a few hours away, and I went to one of the spare bedrooms, and got up in the morning, and told my dear Aunt, the weather here is tooo much, I want to go back home this morning, and I did...my Uncle was bi polar, but so what, I kept it a secret til he died, and said silently in my head, I will forgive you for your deep painful betrayal of my trust, only after you die someday, he died a few years later and it was then that I said, Ok, Uncle Tony, I forgive you.
So the onion had just get peeled back, layer by layer and so many relevations, every year, a little deeper....and it worked well...
And Of course the 4th Step is not really about what happened to me, but rather what area of Shame or Fear Inventory, how did it affect my reactions..... and on the way I had learned to not trust, and what did I do as a result of not really trusting others, the layers are deep, and slowly they were reveal,at 3 years of Recovery, I was so blessed to meet an use a Woman that was older, she was a Specialist in Hypnosis, for PTSD, and for 7 long years went in and underwent the most difficult work of my life, but today I feel it was also the greatest gift by far in the this awesome Program....for many of my memories were just not accessable too me, and I needed to get in and retrieve them if I was truly going to get to be the person I wanted to be...free of my Past, and moving forward with my GOD, my HP, and by the way, she also had just completed a course and was now a PhD in the field of Spirituality from the Domincan Colllege in San Rafael, a very well respected school of Domican Nuns, who taught many courses to those that were there.
So Susan remember dear, You are doing GREAT....this is your first year, right....so many wonderful years ahead, one day at a time...
No, this is not my first year toni. I have ten years and 5 months sobriety as of yesterday. I really didn't start working on this area until I had about 5 years of sobriety, which was about the time the one uncle told me he was sorry. I have peeled back the layers year after year. I am just trying to clean up my side of the street again with how I have used the molestation in my life. I still have a hard time trusting people, but I also let them know why and tell them that is will just take a little extra effort on my part.
I suffer from PTSD, major depression and panic attacks. the PTSD is not just from the molestation, but from other things that have happened to me when I was young. I choose to be off my meds. now.
In the last 5 months I have been going to as many meeting as I can, but it only comes to 3-4 a week depending on my son's Golf schedule with school. I have stopped my therapy I just felt that it had stopped working and decided meetings with people like myself would be better. Even tho it's hard to go to the meeting(panic) once I get there I love it. I have been going early and staying late to be able to talk to people. I have started reading the premable and How it works with no problems. I have just recently started sharing, which totally freaks me out but I know no one is judging me. I spent the first 5 years in therapy because i just couldn't go to meetings. So I am getting better and when I can't make it to as many meeting as I would like I really miss it. I always go to a friday night meeting, saturday morning women's meeting, Sunday night and then a wednesday 12n12 meeting.
I now have a boyfriend, been divorced 10 years and was trying to do it all by myself. When my parents were divorced my mom brought a lot of different men into my life and I just didn't think it was fair to my children to do the same so I decided not to date. My kids are 18 + almost 16, as soon as my son has his driver's license I will have a lot more time to do what I want to do, which will be going to meetings and service work. There is a woman at the Saturday morning women's meeting that I am going to ask to be my sponsor. She seems to have what I am looking for. I gave up on the one I had because she wanted "things" from me that we not program related. Like free carpet or for me to bring her food/soda while I was a work. There is always something going on in her life that brings me down and I need lifting up not the other way around.
Anyway that is a little more about me. Any other advice? Please any will help.
Forgive me please, I knew you were not in your first year, but when I got into that 4th step stuff it just came bolting out of me.....have read all you Posts always, so once again, sorry for the dummmmy question.
Gees those Steps never stop :), now I doing a 10th step. I love them, for you can screw up, and when you do, get out that broom and START Sweeping.
Not a problem Toni, sometime is does feel like I am in my first year LOL I have been re-working the steps. I have just had this feeling lately that something isn't right. Not sure if that is true, so I have decided to start at step 4 for again. By the grace of God I have stayed sober all these years. I was lucky to have a spiritual awakening during my DT's and then admitting in rehab that I was molested.
The only this was in rehab they didn't want to deal with the molestation. Even in outpatient. Which is weird. That is why I have gone to one on one therapy for so many years. But if something isn't working, it isn't working.
First of all Susan can I commend you for your outstanding honesty in looking at your part. I admire your work & take a lot of heart & inspiration in the fact that you've been able to reclaim so much power back in owning your reactions & taking responsibility for how you ricocheted in your reaction. What an amazing & beautiful example you are.
If you're looking for more areas where your part may be, can you see how you used these experiences to hate yourself with? This happened to me therefore I believed 'I am worthless, meaningless, I don't deserve to be here, listened to, heard, understood, ad infinitum'. I'm not saying this isn't defective self-pity, fear or self-loathing, just that you may have been horribly cruel to yourself emotionally too & for such may need to be on your list for love, forgiveness & amends.
I experienced sexual abuse too & processed it via the steps to find so much healing. I had to heal further too because there were times I kept myself in it because I was ashamed of what other people could have been or may have been thinking of me. My uncle is still around & welcome in the family though I don't have to experience much of this because he does live away. My point is that every now & then he's at a family wedding/funeral & I see him occasionally.
I have forgiven him (I think!), the last time I was troubled was when I saw him, hugged him by accident not realising who he was & then panicked about what I thought other family members would take this to mean i.e. that I had been lying or it just didn't matter. My pride was ignited & I was hurt in case people thought that my actions meant 'he'd done nothing wrong' or that 'I was worthless & it didn't matter'.
As soon as I realised I was more concerned about what I thought people were thinking I changed my thinking & surrendered all my negative worries & thoughts about what I thought others were thinking. At the end of the day, I know what I went through, I know what he did, I know in my way I was innocent in spite of my vulnerable need for love & to be loved & right to not be touched & actually my forgiveness is worth alot & everything to me by the power of my God.
All of a sudden my own self-respect, self-approval & connection with my own Higher Power was all that mattered. I released my worry about what I thought others may be thinking & gave it all to God. My recovery was enough & all I needed no matter what anyone else thought. That was a new freedom for me.
I'm not saying you'll have had any of these same thoughts but if anything I've said invites you to explore further as I think you're interested in then that's all I was hoping for. Not that I can give you any advice, maybe just a nibble of food for thought. Your work has definately given me a new angle to work towards in my next coming Step 4. Thank you for sharing your experience, strength & hope in this way today.
We do recover. In unity, sisters especially united :) Danielle x
__________________
Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
If you're looking for more areas where your part may be, can you see how you used these experiences to hate yourself with? This happened to me therefore I believed 'I am worthless, meaningless, I don't deserve to be here, listened to, heard, understood, ad infinitum'. I'm not saying this isn't defective self-pity, fear or self-loathing, just that you may have been horribly cruel to yourself emotionally too & for such may need to be on your list for love, forgiveness & amends.
All of a sudden my own self-respect, self-approval & connection with my own Higher Power was all that mattered. I released my worry about what I thought others may be thinking & gave it all to God. My recovery was enough & all I needed no matter what anyone else thought. That was a new freedom for me.
I'm not saying you'll have had any of these same thoughts but if anything I've said invites you to explore further as I think you're interested in then that's all I was hoping for. Not that I can give you any advice, maybe just a nibble of food for thought. Your work has definately given me a new angle to work towards in my next coming Step 4. Thank you for sharing your experience, strength & hope in this way today.
We do recover. In unity, sisters especially united :) Danielle x
Danielle,
Thank you for your input and yes I did and possible to a certain extent still hate myself. I have a new letter to write and it will be to myself. I owe my self a HUGE amends. You have given me a lot to think about and I appreciate it. I guess I never thought about it from this standpoint. More like a self destruct mode. Anyway, Thanks again.
