It has come to my realization that it is not neccesary for me to get a 4.0 in school, especially when no one is going to care if I got a 4.0 versus a 3.2 (or something to the effect) as long as I have a master's degree, and some good work behind me, to secure a job one day in the field I am studying. God already has it mapped out. Yes, I have to work hard and learn and write well, and understand the field. BUT...... it is not neccesary for me to KILL MYSELF over this endeavor!!! It is not neccesary for me to sacrifice sleep and food and fellowship and become a martyr to my aspirations.
I am such a damned perfectionist. And when god forbid I have group projects (twice a month, and very detailed), I get sooooo whacked out about the idea that others on my leanring teams are not putting forth 120% like I AM. The aggravation consumes me at times, when the whole purpose is to simply learn how to collaborate with others, and DEAL with it if I happen to be the "leader" all the time (and believe me, I put myself in that position every time for fear that others will somehow "fail the cause". Maybe I should let someone else take the reins for once????)
This is just too much pressure to put on myself. My god, I will be 39 years old next week, going through a divorce, a recovering alcoholic, already a professional and working, totally screwed up finances, a deep-seated love for and NEED to create art and music in my spare time, and mental health to worry about on top of it all. The over-achieving martyrdom bullshit is what I hated about my husband's workaholism... and here I am replicating it for what I believe a "better" reason. Hog wash.
So...... I leave it at that. I will do good work, get it down on time, and give myself a dang break once in awhile. I need a LIFE and cannot have one when I am obsessing about grades due to some deep-seated need to be perfect at something. MIT is not going to come knocking on my door offering me a full scholarship, so I will give up on demanding that I act in kind. I need a life. I need a life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
JoniJoni....(((((Hugs))))).....shall I send you another "just for today" pamphlet?
You're gonna be 39 in some several 24 hours periods of time? Fortune telling. Ever drink when you were overwhelmed? For me you just described not only what could lead up to a spree with me but also how I did it. Who's your Higher Power today? or maybe Where's your Higher Power today?
No doubt you are going thru a lot...a ton!! Most all of it seems to be voluntary at least to this fellow. I remember one thing on that pamphlet that suggest, "Just for today I will live thru this day only and not try to tackle all of my problems at once. I could do something for 12 hours that would apall me if I thought I had to keep it up for a lifetime."
absolutely, thank you both. Leeu, this is something I had forgotten since my last college degree. LOL And Jerry, you are right on the money once again. Where's my HP>>??? Let me go find him... (closing my eyes now.....)
:)
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
I was going to cut and paste Jerry's post then I thought I would just say "ditto" to every thought, and word he had to say......
Plus Joni, you know the rules of Perfectionism, and where they will lead you....
Breath, and the deep breath again.
Hugs and Big Kiss from one of your greatest of Fans that will watch you complete all that you aspire to....just one little moment at a time.....and only With HIS Help beside you...
I will never forget the words of a lovely phsycholgist I went to see when I told her the pressure I was feeling re my studies..how I HAD to get As or Distinction all the time.....Oh i was making myself SO ill.
She said to me "Louisa, what's so wrong with being average?"
God! I had never even considered it!!!! being average ???? Moi ????? I DON'T think so!!!!!!
I have since become a fairly average student.....dare I say it ....even a skimmer !!!!! It has been so freeing!!! I do NOT spend every hour studying !!!Once I even got a D (56%) !!!!! Wow!!!!! For me THAT was progress! I am able to laugh at it now and not obsess!!!! When i was getting over 90% constantly - ALL my brain was able to focus on was the 3 or 6% I got wrong. Madness. Not a way to live. I know I would have continued to carry my obsession into the workplace.
My father was incredibly academic and expected the best. I would rather dream and look at the sun, stars and clouds !!!! I know I have to study to pass but i now do the appropriate amount of studying to pass......not even to excel ! It is SO SO freeing. have to say i find it much more fun being "average" I have time for other things in my life .......and I also value the other qualities I have ...which YOU have in abundance.
Sending you lots of love and encouragement ...to be average!!!! *giggling* (((BIG HUGS))) Louisa xx
Someone once told me that even in med school there are people at the bottom of their class. I'm not saying that their not as good at what they do, just that not everyone can be first. IMHO anything above a 3.0 is awesome, especially working towards a masters in your chosen field. Put the bat down Joni and accept that your doing what most people can't...getting your masters. As long as your doing your best, your doing your best :O) Remember, it's not about perfection, right?
being average ???? Moi ????? I DON'T think so!!!!!!
*giggling*