Frustrated and Hurt

John · Admin

Frustrated and Hurt

TwelveSteps · Senior Member

Unfortunately I do not have anything constructive to offer but just wanted to say thank you for all of your hard work.

GG

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

You have a rght to feel violated and victimized....Why? Because you have been violated and victimized. Do not think that because you are in the helping profession that you are any less human. It is normal to be feeling the way you are and you might have PTSD-like (not the actual disorder) symptoms for quite a while. That is NORMAL. With that said, you can't live your life in fear and you need to remember all the people that you helped and that actually turned their lives around through what you have given them. I work with really twisted kids day in and day out and some of them do bite my hands as I feed them. Before that, I worked with Developmentally Disabled Adults and they literally bit, kicked, hit, punched, and spit at the hands I was feeding them with....SO...You continue to do good deeds because you are a good person. I am not even Christian here but am struck by the image and quote of Jesus being crucified and saying "Forgive them for they know not what they do." You know as well as me that a person in the grips of Addiction can and will sell their own soul for alcohol and drugs. Furthermore, the fact that they are an alcohol or addict does not rule out that they may also be a psychopath and/or sociopath and you can and willl encounter some of those. Thankfully, those of us that wind up in the rooms typically give up the lying, stealing, and thieving when we get there...I guess because you are dealing with some folks fresh on the wagon, you are going to get some folks that are really not going to recover and that are not consitutionally capable of it (this would be one case). Chalk it up to that if you can, but if you let evil stop you from doing all the good you can, then you are allowing evil to win out. You and your wife take time to heal from being victimized, rely on supportive friends and family, get counseling if needed, but don't lose your trust for good. Keep up the good works,

Mark

Toad · Senior Member

Hi,
As Bill Sees it p.p. 144
Blind Trust
"Most surely, there can be no trust where there is no love, nor can there be real love where distrust holds it's malign sway.
But does trust require that we be blind to other people's motives or, indeed our own? Not at all;
this would be folly. Most certainly, we should assess the capacity for harm as well as the capability for good in every person that we would trust. Such a private inventory can reveal the degree of confidence we should extend in any given situation.
" However, this inventory needs to be taken in a spirit of understanding and love. Nothing can so much bias our judgment as the negative emotions of suspicion, jealously, or anger.
"Having vested our confidence in another person, we ought to let him know of our full support. Because of this, more often than not he will respond magnificently, far beyond our first expectations."

jj · MIP Old Timer

I am so sorry John that you are hurt and have been used and that you are having to work through these painful feelings at this time in your life. God will help heal the hurt through time and through your continued actions of love and trust.
ONLY ONE Person has used you (lately)? what great odds you have accomplished through your HP and AA. This is yet another tough lesson, not all addicts are good people who want a new life that say they do. you did everything right and your wonderful neighbor had your back. the guy who ended up in jail may be given the gift of desperation now that he has hurt everyone in his life, including you.
Forgiveness and Trust are worked through us, we are the vessels of love and doing the next right thing. you are a humble hero, John, keep up your wonderful ministry.
i am praying for you
hugs
sheila/jj

Jerry F · MIP Old Timer

(((((JohnF)))))...Yup...been there and done that too. Had to run it thru the filter
of the first step..."I was totally powerless and then my life became unmanagable".
Broke into my house while I was out getting married miles away and got some
good stuff even some crazy stuff like a floral shirt and my St.Francis of Asissi
statue...somehow I arrived at the thief being a Hispanic lapsed Catholic. LOL
was drinking then myself so it made sense to me then.

I complained to my sponsor about being ripped off by others later on in recovery
and when I asked "Why me?" he responded "Why not me?"..."Why can't stuff like
this happen to you without you wanting to jump off the cliff again?"   I thought he
could say that because it never happened to him however I was wrong...again.

Then came that crazy AA philosophical lesson about a drunk stealing the 7th
tradition from a meeting and the Secretary or GR telling the group, "He probably
needed it more than we did" or the other one I heard when after the 7th tradition
was stolen members of the group chased and caught the thief and beat him up.
An oldtimer mentioned that the event might have been the last attempt the drunk
would get at sobriety.

For me when I get the fear out of the way my perspectives and behaviors change
more into recovery and I continue to be useful to my God, my self and others still
yes...including the thief. The program always points me back toward acceptance
and forgiveness...always and I become grateful to the thief.   Sainthood? I think
not...spiritual balance? more so. This is only a spiritual program.

One perspective is that he tried to take your stuff and left you with an opportunity
to seek understanding and comfort from your God. How bad a deal is that?

I hope he finds recovery from whatever demon riding his back and causing him to
risk his life for another fix.    ((((hugs)))) smile

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Hey John, first of all I'm sorry that happened. Notice that I didn't say "to you". Basically you experienced a bit of human nature of the worst kind. Obviously the guy was scared and running to his coping system (assuming drugs). I don't think that you had a lot to do with it besides being in the way. I used to be a bit of thief as a teenager. I remember the mentality. If they don't know that it was me, then it doesn't matter. Today, when something gets stolen from me (it's happened several times this last 2 years) I just figure my Karmic debt has yet to be paid off. I know that you feel violated, which involves taking it personally. Get out of that line of thinking asap, for your sake. Say to your self "that's just what junkies do and I just got in the way". You know that he didn't want you to be the victim, he just let his disease get the best of him.
About the future? Well you could continue to do what you've been doing with perhaps a couple security measures. That's what I'd do. This is probably an isolated incidence. My 2 cents.

Phill · Newbie

Hey John ole Boy..
Phil from Ontario Canada
Shit happens Bud..
Dont take it personally..
Get atter pitter patter..
And
Keep on
Keepin on..eh :)

jonijoni1 · MIP Old Timer

You asked: "Do I keep doing what I have always done and expect different results in the future? "

Is it neccesary to have people come into your home to watch the MIP video and do the assessment? Just asking. What Mark said about some of us being sociopaths as well, is disturbing and all too true. I would say err on the side of caution, because you have a wife at home to protect as well. We alcoholics and drug addicts, some of us sociopaths, are capable of great danger to others at times. Bottom line. Perhaps this is a warning that the universe is giving you, that some changes need to be made? Or maybe not? I don't know the answer to that one.

Inventory WHY you feel the need to do what you do with people in your own home. And then consider alternatives. Write them down, pray about them, and let God lead your deicison.

I am speaking from the standpoint that I am a woman, and naturally would feel vulnerable in a situation where I was interviewing woman/men for a place in a recovery house, were that process taking place in my own personal home. I know all about what drugs and alcohol can lead us to do, because I've not only done them myself, but have become a victim of violent crimes as a result of my association with people like myself who happened to be male and stronger than I am.

Just offering some thoughts here.

Thanks for sharing your experience with us, as I am sure some good will come out of it.

happycamper · MIP Old Timer

Anybody can take anything away from me ...
my house, my personal belongings, my truck, my business, my dog, my kids or grandkids, my parents even.

A thief could rob my house of my guns, jewelry, tv, computers, whatever.

People have stolen rolls of toilet paper and 1.00 bottles of liquid hand soap out of the bathhouses at my campground.

But Im here to tell ya that Nobody and I mean Nobody , or nothing can take away or steal my faith in God.
If that happens then Im doomed.

( I am sorry that this happened to You and your Wife John. I believe you will find the safest way to deal with it )

jazzyblue · Veteran Member

It could have been worse....he could have gotten away! God made sure that he picked a loving and caring person to steal from. The real test is going to be if you can forgive him and maybe give him another chance in the future! (I said forgive, not forget...you don't want to invite him back into your home etc..) God does work in mysterious ways! smile

louisa · Senior Member

(((John)))

I tend to agree with Joni. From what I understand, Rose is OK with having the folks in your home.........if this is the case and both of you are determined to continue the work you do within your home then maybe as Dean says it can be done with some extra security.

Maybe I am way out of line here but there is no way I would do it. I don't have much more to add as for me Joni said it all.

I admire hugely your courage and that of Rose's and I can understand that the home is there and has space which would otherwise have to be sought for or maybe paid for.......but at what cost the use of my own home? Doing that would cost me my peace of mind which is priceless. I am no use to anyone without my peace of mind and sanctuary within my home. Yes it is wonderful and heatwarming to see the folks who do value and respect the chance you both give them. However, it would only take ONE to totally change your lives forever. It actually could have been worse. I will never put myself or my family at risk. Ever.

Like I say I maybe way of the mark here but these are my feelings/intuitions.

Your HP will guide you. sometimes I feel we have to let some people/things go for our own sanity. The drive to be constantly helping others can be a form of insanity in itself. I say that as one who went there!!!!!!

Love always to you both - these are just my ponderings.
Louisa xx

P.S. As it says in "Courage to Change" - this pigeon(alcoholic) is simply being a pigeon. It's not personal. (((Prayers to you, Rose and him)))

Dave Harm · Senior Member

John,

I admire all that you and Rose do for the recovery community. I have brought the AA message into our local jails and have become close to some of the inmates throughout this experience. I wish them the best and will always be there if they want help and ask for it.

But me personally, I couldn't invite them into my home. Not because they are/were inmates but it is easy to find God and recovery in a confined space like that... maybe if they get and stay sober after a year out in the "real world" I might invite them over... but not right now.

I just don't think I could be comfortable with them in my home and I think they would be able to sense that as well.

I think it was in both our best interests at that time to keep it more as a "helping relationship" and not give any idea that it was ever more then that...

Dave

cooncatbob · Senior Member

John:
I feel your pain, I too have had my trust betrayed.
They say some of use are sicker then others, my counselors said that for many of us our substance abuse is just the tip of the iceberg as far as out behavior problems are concerned.
Some people are so self centered that their moral compass is broken, lying, cheating and stealing come as naturally to them as breathing.
I don't mean to be harsh, but unless they can learn to be honest there's little hope for them.
The problem is not to paint everyone with the same broad brush but these people are difficult to discern until they target you or a friend.
But most of us have trust issue and when we are betrayed by someone we trusted it makes us distrustful of everyone like them.
For many addict being trusted is the first step on the road to recovery, so these few Sick individuals ruin things for other addicts desperate to get and stay clean.
It's a difficult problem with no easy answers, but for those with a history of stealing you have to deal with the honestly question first.

Just Toni · MIP Old Timer

Hi There John and Rose,

Have been sort of "mulling over" how could this have been prevented....and my memory last night, went back to a Home for Woman in Recovery. In Larkspur, CA....
It was a two story home and had a lot of structure....most were coming in, skinny as hell from Heroin use, and they took in and housed about 30 woman... and the thing that popped out last night was the interview process, that had to be passed so to speak to qualify...and it was not a money quaifying thing....looking back now, I recall it was a woman, she was in Recovery, I think, let's say her name was Joan, she would come in, had her own private office, and did all the intake work, always. She was a Pychologist, she asked so many questions, writting down all the answers, and only half of them were about the use of drugs or alcohol.....my strong guess she was looking for to screen out any Socio-pathological Person, and I notice that on occasion I would glance over and see someone come into the home on the top of the stairs, for an intake interview, and would never see them again...

I do not know if she was a salaried employee, but all the rest of the counselors were completely non paid Vounteers that ran this operation and then they had an apartment complex down one block for a one year re-adjusting to the world, it was not free you had to get a job in one month or you were out...Parraleling what it sounds like you and Rose do...?

So my thinking is changing the interview process to include someone in the field of phycology, that could assist you in your intakes.....

And by the way, this home was in a pretty nice neighborhood, the complete staff were there in 8 hour shifts, 24/7 fantastic group of woman that I will never forget, but my point in telling you about them is that no one EVER knew where any of them lived.

As already said our own homes are truly our Sancuaries.
that's my take..

Ok, my two cents is now over with, and did also want to say just like so many, to not take it personally, hard to do when you feel so personally violated..

Hugs to you Both
Toni

leeu · MIP Old Timer

Next time some fool could have a gun and you walk in on him...if you get shot, are you going to care whether it was a desparate junkie or an evil thief? Been around that block myself (extending trust and compassion to permit people into my personal house)---too many times to count, with both very good and very bad results...bottom line, after years of this---safety for me and mine comes first. When I think I have to be all-accomodating to someone in need, I am very subtly setting myself up for reclaiming power...and falling off that first step.