When I was going through a divorce at 5 years sober, I had to face the fact that either it was my fault or I was powerless.  If I caused this, then it meant I was unfit and unworthy of love - my best efforts got me to this point.  If she had done it to me, and was in the wrong, then I was powerless over that.  Of the two, I preferred the former because it gave me something to work on.  I did work on myself.  Perhaps I did the right thing for the wrong reasons.  I eventually stopped trying to force myself to be someone I didn't want to be, just so some woman might want me someday.  In hindsight, I think I was just punishing myself for my failure. 

Coming to AA for the first time, I was in a similar state.  *I* had brought this on.  In spite of years of "controlled drinking", dammit, I became an alcoholic.  My punishment was to be stupid, boring and glum for the rest of my life.  It didn't work out that way.

I can't change who I am.  I can change my behavior, and I've found that I can behave in ways that go against my nature *when it serves me*.  Going against my nature in a given situation is a great way to avoid a lot of conflict and bad feelings - the bad feelings being on me and sticking with me afterward.  It's not the same thin as forcing me to be something I'm not.  It may go against my nature to be patient, tolerant, and polite to a bank representative on the phone, but it will probably accomplish my mission in that moment.  It doesn't mean from now on I love all banks and will endorse every bank policy, practice, and fee with a smile.  Life is a series of small battles.  I used to declare global thermonuclear war all the while getting my ass beaten right in front of me.  I felt the petty battle was beneath me, since after all the entire world was wrong.  But the petty battle is just another form of One Day At A time.  You hear the expression, "he won the battle but he lost the war".  But the war is won one battle at a time.  And in the battle, there is no place for self righteousness.  In the battle, you don't have rights - just tools.  Rights are for courtrooms... but we don't live in courtrooms. 

I came full circle on this from divorce but... I used to think of my anger as my greatest asset.  It made me feel strong and powerful.  I used it against myself to motivate myself.  But anger is of little value in doing what's in front of you.  I remember the time that a backhoe digging outside cut through a telephone cable... about 1000 pairs of wires.  I saw the phone company guy standing in the ditch with his wire strippers, separating, matching, and patching up all these wires.  I remember thinking if I were that guy, I'd be really pissed at the backhoe operator.  But being pissed was of absolutely no value to him when it came to doing what was in front of him.  What WAS of value was skill, experience, and those wire strippers: tools.   I'm sure at some point somebody got to be righteous and indignant when getting the bill paid.    The phone guy was powerless over the backhoe guy and powerless over the past even if it had only been a few minutes ago.

Barisax