Hi, I'm Lotan and I'm an alcoholic.

I'm new here. I chose this forum so that I could discuss something that has been weighing on my mind. It involves someone else and it is her anonymity that I would like to protect. If I were to discuss this with people I know it would be obvious who I was talking about.

I've been in recovery almost 8 years. I went out on a one night fling almost 2 years ago when my wife and I separated, and have since re-dedicated myself to my sobriety. Things are pretty great now, and I have grown a lot.

A few months ago someone new started attending my home group. We hit it off right from the start. Sometimes we would have a smoke together before or after meetings and chat a little, but that was the extent of our relationship. I knew that I was attracted to her and that it would be inappropriate for me to act on those feelings so I kept my distance. I never sat at her table (at least not on purpose) and made sure to make time for my other aa friends.
As the weeks past we got to know each other a little better and I began to realize that she looked forward to seeing me, maybe as much as I looked forward to seeing her. I felt as though the connection between us that I had sensed from the beginning might be more than just my imagination.
Then something happened. A few weeks ago, after a meeting we were chatting a bit with a couple of other drunks outside the church. I was going to drive a couple guys home and when it was time for me to leave she hugged me not once, but twice. They weren't the usual friendly kind either, but the kind that stick with you for a while. Also she was looking at me like I was made of chocolate. Then, as I was walking to the car, she snuck up behind me and squeezed my hand a little, and kind of ran away home. Wow!
After spinning for a good 24 hours (I could barely drive!) I decided that I should call her. I had never spoken to her outside of meetings before, but since her number was on the members list I figured it would be ok. I was as nervous as a school boy. Anyway, it didn't work out. The number wasn't current, and I didn't get to speak to her until the next meeting. She was there when I arrived and I'm pretty sure she was waiting for me. I told her that I had tried to call, and she immediately gave me her correct number. She told me that she thought about calling me too, to see if I would be there that night. I invited her and her little daughter to my house for supper with me and my kids. It seemed like an appropriate next step.
A fews days later she came over for dinner. The kids were busy, to say the least and it was a bit hectic, but we managed to sneak away for a few minutes for a smoke. She opened up to me a little then, and shared a little about her relationship with her daughter's father, that it had been based on loneliness. It wasn't anything earth-shattering, but it was most personal thing she had shared with me so far.
When it was time to drive her home she made a point of inviting me in to see her apartment, and we sat on the couch for a few minutes and chatted. She told me that she was a 'relationship freak' and that she had always needed to be in a relationship. Then we hugged. It was long and kind of intimate and the she broke off saying "You'd better go..." I don't pretend to read minds anymore but I would bet a week's pay that she was thinking "You'd better go before...".
All of this got me thinking really hard and I realized that I loved her. I already knew that I was in love with her, since we first met actually, but this was different. More than anything in the world I wanted her to heal her heart and learn to love herself. I wanted her just to be happy, and that happiness didn't have to necessarily involve me. My love for my kids is something like this, but this kind of selflessness with someone I am so attracted to is a new experience for me. I have tried to manipulate women since I was 6 at least, and I had resolved to try to get things right the next time, if there was a next time, but I still have doubts and wonder if I'm not fooling myself. Maybe this unconditional love is just some more elaborate scheme to control things. I know that if I were to hurt her in any way I would hate myself, and it's only been a little while since I've begun to like myself.
The solution I came up with was just to be her friend, as much or as little as she wanted. She deserved a chance to not be in a relationship and to work on herself. I could be supportive, if she wanted that, but I would have no expectations. Nor would I try to be her main support, or to rescue her. Then, I thought, I would wait until she was sober for a year or so and re-evaluate. I definitely feel that she is worth waiting for. I'm not being a martyr.
Now comes the sad part. After I had sorted out my feelings I wanted to share them with her - in person. I texted her and she wrote back that she didn't think it was a good idea for me to visit because she had started drinking again. She said she was avoiding all voices of reason, and was planning to drink again that evening. She said that she was running. She didn't know where, only that she couldn't stick around. I told her briefly how I felt about her, that I thought she was really great, and that I wanted her to be happy and to love herself. She said that was a tall order. I kept the conversation going for a bit in case she might decide to reach out to me, but it didn't seem likely so I let her go. I sent 2 more texts over the next couple of days just to say that I missed her and hoped she was ok. In the final one I told her that I wouldn't bother her anymore, but that she could always call me if she wanted to. Now I am working on letting go.
I don't know why she went out. It could have been many things, or a combination of things. When I last saw her at her apartment she had suggested future dinners (dates?) so I don't think I'm the reason, although she might have been frightened by our growing closeness. I tried my best to be considerate and appropriate but it still nags at me that I might have done wrong somehow.
I let her sponsor know that she had gone out (she already knew), with one other lady member of my group that she was close to, and discussed this with my sponsor. After that I shut up about it. I desperately want to help her but I know I can't, and shouldn't try. I'm not going to enter a romantic relationship with an unhealthy individual, but it's still too soon to give up hope for the future. It may be that her affection for me was something else, expressed romantically. I don't know, and I don't need to know right now. I just know that I love her, no matter what. I finally learned what it's like to actually love someone else, and now she's gone. God is a smartass.

There are a few details that I left out of my story that are might be relevant, but to me are ultimately unimportant. She is 29 and beautiful. I am 50 and not. She is not strictly heterosexual, I don't know to what degree. She had 3 months of sobriety. I have 8 years (if one doesn't count my slip when my marriage ended. I do count it, so I actually have 2 years since then). And just in case things weren't difficult enough, before we stopped talking I learned that she has some rare disease where her immune system wants to eat her joints and organs. I don't know the prognosis.
In spite of everything I've said so far I still have hope that somehow we can still have some kind of relationship. I'm pretty open-minded about what that might look like, and I think I could be happy just to be her friend. We actually have a lot in common. More than my ex and I ever did.
I could really use some feedback on all of this. Tell me I'm crazy. Tell me I'm full of BS. Whatever. I'm starting to trust my judgement more these days, but it's always good to hear other points of view.

Thank you for listening.