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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Alcoholics Anonymous -> Alcoholics Anonymous -> Rut-Roohhh.......................................................
Post Info TOPIC: Rut-Roohhh.......................................................
jonijoni1


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Rut-Roohhh.......................................................
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So.............. I get a text message not 5 minutes after I walk in my apartment from taking my dog to the grooming salon.... it was from a strictly platonic male friend in AA whom I don't see nor talk to but twice a week maybe?

It said,
"Look outside in your hallway."

Flowers. Roses, pink, yellow and lime green. VERY pretty. This young man has no idea of the mental crap I have been going through this weekend either, which I have posted about here (loneliness, etc...)... no idea of how I have been feeling. It was totally out of the blue.

Called him and thanked him a lot. Oh- there was a card with it too, with friendship stuff in it, and more friendship stuff hand-written.

What do I make of this?

This is a very shy person, so to speak. Not someone who has ever been flirtatious toward me (or toward anyone else that I have ever observed.) This person seems fully absorbed in work, and at other times in working with his sponsee and going to meetings and listening and not getting wrapped up in other going's-on among AAers.

Can I take this as harmless?

Lord knows I do NOT want to get "involved", no no no I sure don't. Lots of baggage on both sides of the aisle here....

Can I just take this as a friendly gesture??? Help!!!

confuse

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Just Toni


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Hi Joni,

Maybe this is the only response that be along these lines....hope I am wrong...

First of all, first thought, it creeped me out,  was he watching you come home, how did he know you were home and would be able to just look outside....

Second I see it as someone with some adjenda attached, you said you talk twice a week or so, right, is this on the telephone or at Meetings..

I would say you now have a "suitor" just my little opinion.
if it happened to me, with someone in the Program that was my "friend" I would steer clear of him after that show of attention or affection......

But that is just me...rigerous honesty in all our affairs...sounds like he did not get a passing grade on that one.

I am not usually sinacal, but I am a woman and we know that men really do come from a different planet.  proof in your Post, and also the Man is the Preditor...

Ok, sorry for being a spoil sport....I would not like it one bit.....and again feel it was just CREEPY!

toodles, Toni

came back to say that it is true, he does not know what you have been posting about how you are feeling, but Joni non verbal commuication is 10% STRONGER than verbal. so maybe your own vulnerablities were really showing a lot this week, men can spot that in a heartbeat, sorry for the parralel, but just like a child molester can spot a needy and vulnerable little innocent child...It really does SHOW in all of us when feeling sad or lonely..
ok, no more negative feedback from me...promise...
Just being Big Sister with a Big Stick really....smile

-- Edited by Just Toni on Sunday 5th of September 2010 06:05:04 PM

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Dave Harm


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Being a predator is not just a man thing... but men usually don't talk about it because of the shame associated with it... that is not just a general statement but fact for me. It is not one of my highest memories of sobriety to be "taken."

What I do know is that to do such things with a recovery mate does need to be done with respect first. Yes, I would be concerned with the text... that would be the one that would have me scratching my head...

That said, I have sent gifts to a woman in recovery... but before I sent that first one I asked her if she would be offended if I did so. Only once have I surprised her with a gift and that was on her birthday... but every other time she knew they were coming and she accepted them before they arrived... though she didn't really know what they were.

What also comes to mind is a question. Did you accept the flowers? Yes they were on your door step... but there was nothing that made you accept them... ask him to take them back or where he would like to see them go... a nursing home? a church? A healthy boundary is set with that, in my opinion...

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Lexie


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I think it would make me uncomfortable. Some people are simply socially inept and inappropriate, but I would think that the traditional distance AA men are told to keep from females who are newly sober would be something within his knowledge.

If you want to give him the benefit of the doubt, you could just tell him that accepting gifts from men in AA at this point makes you uncomfortable--that you appreciate his thoughtfulness, but please not to do it again. If his feelings are hurt, it's on him--he should have known better.

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happycamper


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I guess I dont understand if you're so not interested in any type of man / woman relationship , then how did this guy get your phone # to text you ?
Sorry, but Im a firm believer of guys with guys and gals with gals in AA. Unless of course both are well grounded spiritually and otherwise in the pogram ( and of course are single to pursue each other ).

Roses are expensive ( unless of course you buy them at Walmart for 10.00 a doz ) and to have them secretly placed , either by him or the florist is sneaky. Why did he do this, what are his motives .. or better yet, what are his intentions ?

Slogans come to mind here ... Think, think, ,think. Keep it simple and take it easy. smile.gif

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angelov8


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I'd ask him to be straight forward and honest about his intentions and motivations for sending the flowers.  Almost always means "interested", and many people aren't honest with themselves.  (I did get a christmas tree delivered one year by a nice fellow who I think felt sorry for my sorry state of personal affairs at the time.  I think he was interested, but never pressed the issue.) 
I would reply to this fellow in the most honest and straightforward way as well.

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angelov8


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I can think of tons of situations where accepting innocent seeming but innappropriate gifts led to messy and sometime ugly relations.

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jonijoni1


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thanks, all... guess I better clarify some things.... I have known this person for a long time, and had his number, including other numbers of male friends in AA, which I still have. I did not just stumble into AA a "newbie" and all of a sudden have male friends overnight. I have many whom I have known for many many years through AA, most of which we do not really call or text eachother. Some we do, because I belong to a homegroup and also have "safe" male AA friends that I have met at Starbucks before, to "nerd out" with laptops or whatever. So yes, the men/men, women/women thing.... but I am not going to eliminate all contact with men simply because I went back out for a brief period.

I did not give the flowers back. I called and told him that it was very nice of him, and that it was quite a surpirse. I asked him why he left them without knocking on the door, and he said he intended to stop by and say hello, and congratulate me on my new job which I mentioned at the homegroup meeting on Friday night... he said that he just left though because he got a call on his way over here that he had to pick up his daughter- emergency- and did not want to come by and then be rude and have to "run off." I told him if he wanted to "say hello" (in person) he should always call first. (And then I was silent, as in "duh").

I don't see this as predatory stuff, not in the "creepy" sense. I do, however, see this as a person who has known me on the outskirts, and always as a "married person" who was unavailable for many years. And who now apparently thinks I am available, or wants to see if this is the case? I did mention on the phone that I hoped he did this as a friend and not anything more.... because I am just not into anything more than that at this time. He said that he understands and is just proud of me and very happy for me and wanted to brighten my day. (And again, keep in mind that this person is not new to me.... and that I am not considered "the new girl in AA" around here, by any stretch of the imagination.)

Ok..... and I asked for advice or opinions on this, and I got them, and I thank you for them! It was a little unsettling at first, but I have been to 2 meetings tonight (which I had planned to do anyway), and I haven't even really thought about it since, til I got back here to the forum. Maybe it's one of those things where it is a "big deal" only if I make it such? So I won't.... and we'll see what happens.

I do have to admit, that I am flattered, and although it was a total shock, it felt GOOD.... is there something wrong with that? Hmmmm.... just processing this stuff, and being honest about it....

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turninggrey


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From my extended and vast research on this subject, i am fairly certain our young gentleman caller was attempting to seperate you from your jeans. He did it in a nice way, and you made clear you were thankful for the flowers, yet the jeans would remain in place. I am sure he snapped his fingers and said "Drat! Back to the drawing board!" Although I have to give him points for style, I really think you handled it well realizing tha sobriety sometimes means straightening someone out beyond just alcohol!
Tom

-- Edited by turninggrey on Monday 6th of September 2010 06:09:11 AM

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lotan


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Hi Joni

The timing of the text, and leaving the present, instead of knocking on your door strike me as kind of stalkerish. Something I might have done once upon a time. It seems to me that if this guy has feelings for you he might have been better off to be open and honest about them, rather than trying to ingratiate himself to you on a suspect pretense. This is controlling behavior, and I see red flags all over it. Sorry.

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Aquaman


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"Stalker" is such a strong word, I think.
First romantic contact is tricky under the best of conditions and while a guy may recognize the urge...he may simply lack tact & imagination. Doesn't make him Ted Bundy.
The whole timing/flowers/text message thing strikes me as pure hollywood. Jennifer Anniston...not Tank Girl.

You set your boundaries. 'Nuff Said.

Peace,
Rob






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pinkchip


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I give him the benefit of the doubt... First off, I would wait to see if this really was just a friendly thing. Though myself, I do not think it was just friendly. Men are thoughtless little shits except when it comes to courtship (at times) and we will not waste our time giving flowers to "a friend." Ok...so...If he is not a sicko or weirdo then just make sure he knows you are taking time to get over a divorce and to figure yourself out. If he only wanted to get in your pants then he would have flirted more obviously. I think he probably wants to date you and get in your pants :) Put him on hold or tell him "no way buddy...sorry" depending on what you want.

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jonijoni1


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Again, thanks!! I feel I have gotten a well-rounded view of all this now, thanks to your replies. I find it interesting too, that more males than females here were willing to give the guy the benefit of the doubt. I think it is important to have male friends while we are in recovery, for issues just like this one- to give their own set of opinions on a subject, because men really do think and behave different, and we are often (but not always) helpless to understand the other sex.confuse I do know that I don't want to get caught up in "suspecting" every male that shows interest of being a predator, just because I happen to have gone through a marriage that was damaging (and have also dealt with my share of predators, and been one, in sicker times.) 

I can remember times when I have "liked" a guy, and have behaved in ways that might have seemed stalker-ish but were in fact harmless. It is so hard to determine anymore what is "socially appropriate" and what isn't. I give the guy credit for at least having some cahones, if he was just trying to get my attention. I have had quite eligible males in the past in sobriety tell me all too late that they were attracted to me for years, but they never said anything when it would have been the right time for that.... out of FEAR. disbelief 

He may be operating from the "life is too short to worry about the potential reprocussions of flowers" perspective. A year and a half ago he found his fiance' in the bathtub unresponsive. She was a member of AA and had overdosed. She died days later. He stayed sober through it and received a lot of therapy as a result. So whether I see all this as "unhealthy behavior" on his part is doubtful.

I do appreciate all my women friends here looking out for me though, in the sisterly sense!

Off to a meeting, I have just completed my research project for NEXT week, a full 5 days early, so that I can dive into my first few days on the new job without the added stress. I can also now attend all the meetings I have planned for the week, as a result, thanks to having this extra vacation day. Life is Good. And Recovery Rocks, as always.
biggrin



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Jerry F


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Joni2...You did great..."Thank you" is a prescribed response.  I got the picture that
it was a bunch of beautiful flowers and a card and also another picture of a firing
squad or a run-away train.  Your thank you brought my head back into reality.

((((hugs)))) smile

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