She had trouble defining herself independently of her husband, tried to talk to him about it, but he said nonsense, he had no trouble defining her at all. --Cynthia Propper Seton
To recover means to learn who we are, independent of friends, children, parents, or intimate partners. It means knowing how we want to spend our time, what books we like to read, what hobbies interest us, what our favorite foods are. It means understanding self-direction. It means charting a daily personal course and staying on it. It means defining our responsibilities and carrying them out.
Having an independent identity does not preclude depending on others for certain needs. Perhaps we revel in massage - both getting and giving. Maybe we share the expenses of a household or the responsibilities of raising children. Depending on others to meet their responsibilities does not negate our independent identity; it strengthens it. We choose where and when to be dependent. Healthy dependency complements healthy independence.
Recovery is giving me options. Each day gives me new opportunities.
Hi Thanks Larry I am seeing I am pretty co-dependant and also dependant on people where i need to be independant. I realised something today that my unwillingness to be more independant is partly because I dont want to grow up...... (i got lots of issues ha). But yeh I NEED to be independant ....I find it scary cause I dont think I got a chance to really grow up with much of an identity of self because of my upbringing, add to that booze and I was in chaos and really so immature for most of my life (still am). Now I do have a choice and its a bit scary like what if I make bad decisions, I dont even know what I like or want to do, all these fears and grief also.
But if I dont take steps to grow I will end up sicker and drinking.
-- Edited by slugcat on Monday 6th of September 2010 06:19:13 PM
-- Edited by slugcat on Monday 6th of September 2010 06:19:34 PM
I love this Larry. As an acoa I totally lost my identity. I was so unhealthily aborbed and obssessed and felt so responsible for my parents wefare - learning (second guessing) their needs and desires and doing my damdest to fill them that I lost myself completely. I didn't know I was entitled to life as a human being in my own right. I am still very much at the early stages of learning what I like - what I don't - what is acceptable from others - what isn't......the list is endless........
An EX AA sponsor once told me I was being selfish expecting a certain person to turn up on time. WHAT?????? Anyone can be late - but constantly???????? Leaving me standing waiting and waiting due to her unmanageability. Sod that!!!!!!
Yes I am learning who I am.....little by little ....scary and confusing at times but an adventure too!!!! Thank you for your beautiful posts ....I find them immensely helpful! Louisa xx
