Hey Joni!Thanks for sharing from your heart.. You knowI was always "married" even as a kid,I didnt play the field much,always "went steady" married at late 17 and then again and then again,(and divorced and ran away from in relationships)All in between relationships were always in a stupor and self serving and fueled the lonliness.Our self esteem can be ripped apart by failed relationships(literature tells us relationships can be terribly painful areas.We sometimes carry the feelings of failure,low self esteem,continue beating ourselves up for situations that are gone and we are now different people..When we make ADMISSIONS, that we are lonely it is a necessary first step but then we move forward to see how we can eliminate this..We have to look at the 'CHOICE' did we choose to isolate even while we are extrememly busy?we can reevaluate our daily activities and see are we just filling space or are they meaningful endeavors?.PAST EXPERIENCES. ,again we may not even know that these past experiences may be underlying reasons for us(fear of failure again,rejection,worn out ,really dont want it ,really do want it etc...INACTIVITY..even when we are maxxed out with activity is it in the right areas,do we volunteer to help others,which in turn really helps us,do we go out of our way for 'really new different events,rollerskating,church events,weight watchers,meals on wheels,service oriented work etc...(careful here with overwhelming ourselves) and most of all  "ARE WE ARE STILL LONELY.and if so,.really renewing our relationship with the God of our uderstanding and being alone in prayer and meditation(11th step) can allow us to let the peace that surpasses all understanding in our hearts.... A spiritual thought"Let my Higher Power allow me to see my lonliness for what it is and overcome it with kind ways!!!Today after an early life of devastion(25 yrs)and a renewed life of recovery(26 yrs)I still find times of "lonliness" but I incorporate some things to 'shake myself up,get out of my head and "run to help someone,in anonymity,so me and my God can talk about it and share a feeling of joy and peace..Not always easy,but always doable...DR. PHIL I am not,just another ,working recovery to the best of my ability,being helped by others and guided by the God of my understanding.Hopefully Joni ,your new job will lead you in a direction of serenity,in God's time all things happen,hang on,look for the joy in this adventure and I firmly believe it is Gods will for us to be free/clean and happy in our lives...In support...peace. 

Thanks to both of you, very good stuff here and I am glad I posted.

Even when my ex and I were on different paths, and even though it was apparent that we were, we never got "ugly" with one another but for a brief period right around seperation time when I had to let it all hang out emotionally or risk self-destruction. It is the day-to-day spousal conversation that I miss the most. it made me feel grounded to run my day by my spouse, and process things that went on, and to plan out the next in light conversation (even if it was only over the phone many nights while he was still "working" (or doing whatever the hell he was doing lol).

We are friendly right now, have been for some time, and check in regularly, because natrually we still care about one another. We just don't see eachother face to face. And there is no more "hanky panky" type chemistry, which is good because it has brought closure.

But I suspect that even in the bad years of late, I felt "grounded" in the relationship on some levels, and I miss that right now. I have been catapulted into another dimension now, with all the blessings I have been granted, and all the time in the world for myself, to achieve them. I just landed my dream job for right now, school is going incredibly well, the music partner I am collaborating with is cranking out some terrific stuff and so am I (we work on songs through special software and file sharing right now), I am painting in my free time, and at the forfront of all this, my recovery is rocking and rolling along in AA. It feels rather odd to not have the companion I once had to "share" this with, and to help me feel like my feet are still planted on the ground, or at least that I have a tether keeping me from blasting off like a rocket!! LOL I guess satisfaction and success can be scary for us, as can responsibility, achievement, and change. As I changed over the years in positive ways, there was a constant that helped me to continue to feel like I had an identity. I suppose this is all a little bit of an identity crisis now, and one that I shall have to get through.

I do konw that I can come home and talk to God about my day. Treat God like my spouse, companion. I never thought of HP like that so much in practical terms, but I want to give it a shot.

Promise you Joni, I am not trying to minimize what you are saying....but this made me think of a time, (I am not a fan of Dr. Phil), however, sometimes he has come up with some real gems.

Your Post reminded me of a time I watch him with these two broken hearted woman, and were stating how lonely and sad they were, and more than that the LONGING for the man that got away.....

He had them both close their eyes, and said some different things to them so that they would be open to hearing what is was going to tell them....

"The Person that you are Longing for is not far away,
the Person you have a deep longing for is YOU, no one else...."

I believe that when someone is the one left behind, it brings up so many "abandonment issues" that we cannot see the forrest for the trees" for all the abandonment times we have ever felt that way, all come whirling back to us....and we feel lost, without even ourselves.

I know that you and Josh did not do this to each other, it was mutual, but maybe there is something in there in the abandonment stuff that is going on in your subconscious, I can think of one Major one, you know who that is, not going to put it in this Post.....just food for thought.

Also, with your new Job, the unknown is once again in front of you, and yes you might be thrilled, and I am for you....but it is still going into the wilderness, alone....

So it all makes a lot of sense that you are feeling restless,
I was married twice, when I was married, I longed for the single days of freedom, then when free, longed for the
companionship of a significant other.....I just dont think I was a good "marriage material person" I never could get over the grass is greener stuff.....

Love you my friend, hope today is proving to be a better day.

Tonicakes

thanks a billion Toni... you are sooooo right. Abandonment. And the problem now is in how NOT to "abandon" myself anymore. One thing is for certain, and that is that for this 24 hours, AA has not abandoned me, and I will not be abandoning AA.

I got to spend my home group tonight with my sponsor and 3 sober sisters... then we went and got dinner.... and before the conversation-time was even over, I left and came home. I am just tired. And I still felt that twinge of loneliness, even in the midst of my sober "sponsorship family."

Off to spend some time with HP.

Thanks so much for shedding light on this, because when I am in the dark alone, I can never seem to find the switch by myself.

Thanks, happycamper.

I feel good, and then bad,,,,,, okay and then not okay.... secure, and then insecure..... and guess what? It means I am not only HUMAN, but a recovering alcoholic who is going through a divorce and back on the wagon after a relapse!! Go figure, that my life is not yet "complete" at all times, in my own head and heart.

I just keep pressing forward. Feelings come and go, and won't kill me. A drink surely will.

((((hugs))))