Spouse not understanding "How it Works"

MissT · Member

Spouse not understanding "How it Works"

Lexie · Senior Member

It sounds like he is a very controlling person, and there ARE people who prefer to be with active alcoholics because, when we are well, we aren't amenable to being controlled by others.

I don't know what to suggest about the marriage, but I DO know that if you sacrifice your sobriety on the altar of your relationship, you will regret it. Would he be willing to go to a marriage counselor?

"To thine own self be true." It sounds glib, but that's really what it boils down to, I think.

SUSIE · Senior Member

Seems to me you know exactly what you are up against. I really don't have any big advise other then to say.... are you ready and willing to go to any extent to be sober? To thy own self be true. I will pray for your strengh and for you to hear what your higher power wants of you.

Jerry F · MIP Old Timer

Aloha Miss T... Goooolly! Been there and done that!! I've done him and you and he's
doing me and so are you.   As far as doing the him part...I was so fearful and out of
control that when my alcoholic wife came to me after an AA meeting one night and asked
(me of all persons...) "Do you think I am an alcoholic"...it was my chance again to get
back in control of her and the entire situation again so I told her "no" and she promptly
went back out again. Cunning, Powerful, Baffling.

I was close minded, jealous, fearful, out of control, manipulative and just add any ole
other thing that he is displaying for the moment. Fearful has got to be top of the list.

As for doing your part...I was once told I cannot work recovery for someone else.
It's a personal journey and important to my life and existence primarily. I was
also told that for my health I had to separate myself from all things alcoholic and
gulp...that included my drinking, wife partner. I cried heartily over that one however
she was chasing my drinking and had she come to match up with it she would have
died from it also. I had already overdosed several times by that time. In wanting
to be totally responsible in my marriage and other things I made the program
secondary for a while until I got closer to the deep understanding of steps 1 - 3.
Sobriety on all levels without exception means I get to have a life and then a life
to share with others. My current wife is important in my life because I am sober
first and she (being in Al-Anon) understands that so there is no issue with the
subject of recovery.   Either we do or we lose the very motivation to live at all. Some
will balk over that statement however it's importance and understanding is ours to
live by. Before we married we had already agreed we needed outside support and
guidance and agreed also that the support would be in the form of a HP, 12 steps,
12 traditions, slogans and fellowshipping with others of the same understanding.

I hold nothing in my recovery up to her judgement and scrutiny, absolutely nothing.
I am responsible for the consequences of my choices and that includes holding myself
up to her inventory. The last resentment I want to carry is against the person I live
with...so anonymity is important in our marriage. The only place that anonymity is
just a bit thin is at the meetings we co-attend (I am a double) and then I take the
direction of no judgements and gossip as non-flexible.

You're gonna have to tweak the quality of your recovery so that it won't be jeapordized
by either your husband or yourself. It is that important cause for me without your
recovery you only have memories of how good it can get and better.

In support...(((hugs))) smile

SUSIE · Senior Member

Wow Jerry that was a great write!!! Very helpful in alot of ways!!! Thank You!!!

turninggrey · MIP Old Timer

Wow Miss T,
Can you get him to Al Anon? He needs to understand. You were in AA BEFORE he came along. That is who you were when you met him.
Tom

Just Toni · MIP Old Timer

Hi Toni

Sobriety first in everything......so we can keep it, and if we put someone, something in front of it, the chances get slimmer.

Cant you sit him down, and say, hey I have an illness, alcoholism is a medical diagnosis illness, and AA is the treatment for this illness........i dont go to meetings to socialize, I go to save myself from this illness.....

Did he know about your 2 1/2 years before, and then when you got married, you stopped, and THAT is why the drinking began again....

I would be gentle with him, but let him know that like it or not, you will be going, and if he has a need to judge others, that is not your problem......you are not judging him, trying to understand his concerns, but the meetings are not optional.
even going during lunch so he wont be upset.....you put YOU first is this, not him....

My second husband would always mumble and groan when after dinner, I did the dishes, said will see you later, and off I went, he was going to go back to working on some designs anyway, he was a desiger that worked out of our house...

we had just reconciled after a year, and I had learned in that year, to just go and let the chips fall where they may.

Just like talking to a 2 year old, sometimes they dont like it, but it is what it is....

Hugs, YOU first in your sobriety.....

Please dear, you know what to do, you know that....

wishing you the best...

Toni too,

Welcome by the way again...

Aquaman · MIP Old Timer

First Miss T...my heart goes out to you. I mean that. Here is my E/S/H.

It has been my experience that someone who leaves their spouse/sig. other to be with me can't be trusted. Ever.

Whe I decided to sober up my 14 months ago my wife of 13 years was very dissapointed that it was a work offense and not a family offense that made me "come to." She flat out stated that she may choose to kick me out.
I had to decide then and there how badly I wanted what AAs had and why. My decision was clear to me.
If I was left homeless and alone I would still work the program on the program's terms FOR ME!
Why? I looked around me and I saw people who had their homes torn asunder and knew/felt the truth that nothing would ever get better if they drank. They survived re-structuring from the ground up and so could I if I had to.
I just had a thought. That passage from 1st Corinthians that goes something like this "Faith, Hope & Love abide. The greatest of these is love." Hmmm. Sounds true. With a twist.

Love may be the greatest power, but in my recovery Faith is the most reliable.

Peace,
Rob

Oh...my wife is happy with where I am now. I'm a better man and she appreciates that.

Dave Harm · Senior Member

Oh Miss T,

I am so sorry. I have been down that road. My first wife wanted me to quit drinking, then when I quit she didn't know how to handle me. She had no idea how to live with "Sober Dave." She was very stuck in the world that it was only my problem and that was it. It really got crazy. She started partying and left me home with the kids... eventually I thought why am I sober if she is going to go and party without me.

So I started drinking again and amazingly she quit partying and had her life back. She sabotaged my recovery and I allowed it.

When I sobered up again, we went to counseling and while I got active in AA, she avoided Alanon at all costs. For me, it is like Rob said, I had to rely on Faith to get me through it.

And you are doing what I did... I did the 12 Steps with her name and I learned not only was I addicted to alcohol, but I was also addicted to her.... some hard choices had to be made, but it was a little easier because she wanted nothing to do with recovery...

jonijoni1 · MIP Old Timer

Miss T..... I too met a non-alcoholic man while I was sober, and then I drifted from the program and ended up drunk and miserable. While he did not have disdain for meetings, at times throughout our marriage he would talk down about alcoholics a bit here and there. Even though he knew I was one.

The thing that is simple to me here is that if you were meant to be with this man, and he REALLY loves you, then #1 he TRUSTS you, and #2 he WANTS you to get better, and is PAYING ATTENTION AND SEEING ALREADY HOW UNHAPPY ALCOHOL HAS MADE YOU!!!! If he is capable of real love, then it is NOT ALL ABOUT HIM AND HIS FEARS!! If he does not see these simple things for you, is he the right man anyway???

I know we are not supposed to give others advice about relationships. But gosh darn it. If your very best friend in the world were going through what you're going through, wouldn't you be ticked off?? Wouldn't you want her to kick his butt to the curb and get herself better, with or without him?? You must treat yourself at LEAST as good as you would treat your own best friend.

Just my 2 cents, not trying to ruffle any feathers, but this is life vs. death, and misery vs. peace...... regardless of whether there is a man in our lives or not.

I am without a man now, I have no kids and I am almost 40 and my "clock is ticking".... and somehow, I am the happiest I have been in many many years... and a man has nothing to do with it---- for ONCE!!! (Never did in the first place!! Human companion or not, when GOD was "my man", I was happy... when he wasn't, I wasn't happy and I was slowly dying.) Human men come and go and drama unfolds and we get tangled up and codependent in it.... and none of it will ever save us from alcoholic misery, or make us happy. Never.

Still praying for you, and still reaching out with hugs.

joni

louisa · Senior Member

(((Miss T)))
A big hug for you.

Jerry shared

I hold nothing in my recovery up to her judgement and scrutiny, absolutely nothing. I am responsible for the consequences of my choices and that includes holding myselfup to her inventory. The last resentment I want to carry is against the person I livewith...so anonymity is important in our marriage. The only place that anonymity is just a bit thin is at the meetings we co-attend (I am a double) and then I take the direction of no judgements and gossip as non-flexible.

Wow. THAT is going to be printed out and go on my wall as a reminder for me.

(((Miss T))) For me it's a matter of survival. My recovery has to come first - non-negotiable.

With love and support
Louisa xx

MissT · Member

Thank you EVERYONE who responded...I was at such at a loss when I posted this right before leaving work, and then didn't even get online last night after dinner.
We went to bed early and just laid there and talked. I listened to him talk about how much he loves me and what all we both went thru to be together, how much he loves my family (my 2 adult children and my 3 precious granddaughters). He feels like he should be able to take care of me and protect and this is something he no clue of how to "fix"/"repair".

I listened, then it was my turn to talk. I quickly told him first, nobody can fix/repair my disease. Bottom Line. Only "I" / we..since this is a "we" program can only work on me returning to sanity. I briefly tried to explain, this is something that doesn't have a 6 month/1 year quick cure...it is permanent. Just like his diabetes...he will always be diabetic, I will always be an alcoholic. Told him that I must, in order to keep it, be able to give it away also.
Daily meetings, working the steps, working with others etc. is ALL part of the AA program.

And Jerry, your right, about keeping my program to myself, and not wanting to hold a resentment to my husband. I have read what you wrote several times. Thank you for that. And Jonijoni and Toni, Aquaman, and everyone else..thank you so much for being here for me.

I believe we have a better understanding of what the other is thinking and feeling, since talking last night. I will be goin to my lunch meeting today and then another meeting at 6:00 tonight. I think he understands a little more today and how very important AA is to ALL alcoholics.

again, many thanks for your responses...(((((hugs to all)))))

mikef · MIP Old Timer

Literature tells us "relationships can be terribly painful areas! It also tells us "our recovery must come first.....This disease is cunning,baffling and insidious.It will tell us that we don't have a disease and find any openings to keep us living a life of devastation,deriliction and pain.Continue to ask your Higher Power for guidance ,strength and willingness to do what you need to do.Without recovery,abstinence from alcohol,(all mind altering ,mood changing substances also) it is only a matter of time\ before we renew our pain.Keep showing up,all the rest will work out...In support smile

Lexie · Senior Member

LOL,

Even worse than A and E would be Jerry Springer!!

jonijoni1 · MIP Old Timer

I am so glad he was at least receptive to talking about it, and in revealing his own fears about it all... that shows he is willing to be open-minded, and that is indeed important. And although being a diabetic isn't a "lucky" thing per se, at least he has a basis on which to understand the concept of "chronic and incurable". Good stuff.

Still keeping the prayer lines open....

((((hugs))))

Aquaman · MIP Old Timer

Excellant! I'm glad he chose to have a dialogue after all.
Congrats on keeping a level head and humble anonymity. You are a great example and thanks for helping to keep me sober today!

Peace,
Rob

happycamper · MIP Old Timer

Im not sure where you are at in the steps. But after step 9 in the book it does say that 'they will change too'.

My husband was not receptive to me getting sober at first. We've been thru alot of changes together since i did get sober. Its not all been easy, but so well worth it.

Thanks be to God, my sponsor , the steps of AA and my atititude, I found my marriage to be salvagable and workable, and worth every bit of work Ive done and continue to do.

Sometimes I think its harder on the ppl in our lives when we get sober cuz they dont know what to expect or how to act with the new 'Us'.

I have to keep the focus on me .. making me a better person, a good person. I have to remember to rely on God. I have to remember when I run into trouble and Im struggling that I must talk to my sponsor and tell her what is going on in my head.

Most importantly I have to remember those vows I took before God with my husband. For better or worse ... basically in good times and the bad. A vow is a promise. And by the grace of God and AA Im a responsible person today and I can keep a promise