I spent the first year of sobriety feeling great, I could not believe I could live without drinking every day and was thrilled to discover it was possible after drinking daily for nearly 20 years. I attended a meeting once or twice a week, read the big book through once, read from the Daily Reflections and 24 hour book every morning, had a subscription to the Grapevine and felt doing these things kept me in the right frame of mind. I knew I eventually needed to get a sponsor and do the steps but figured there was no hurry since things were going well. I knew from listening to others and reading that not doing these things would most likely lead to drinking again or not being emotionally sober and I knew at some point I would have something come up that I would need additional tools in my box to deal with. I admitted to myself about 10 years before I found AA that I was an alcoholic so I figured that since I was so slow getting to a meeting it was not a big deal that it was taking me a while to get a sponsor.
During my second year the meetings went from a couple a week to once a week, then every other then about once a month. I rarely posted on this forum before but at this point I was rarely even checking in. I was still able to keep a positive outlook and didn't feel the urge to drink. During this time I dealt with a sressful job, my wifes health problem and loss of her job and other daily problems with a positive attitude. I started wondering if a sponsor was really necessary.
Two months ago I discovered my 16 year old was smoking pot and told him I would not tolerate it in my house. I grounded him, made him give $100 to charity and told him if I found it again I would turn him in and let him deal with the consequences. I sat him down and discussed it calmly and felt good about the way I handled it. Another great accomplishment in my sober life. One week after the grounding was over he informed me he was going to live with his maternal grandmother because he didn't feel comfortable living here anymore. His mom and I divorced when he was 3 and had joint custody until he was 7 when I got full custody and have raised him since. He has the support of his mom in leaving my house and has turned 17 since leaving. I know this isn't huge on the scale of problems in life but my head has turned into a dark, negative whirlpool. I used to feel this coming on and could look at the positive and what I have to be thankful for and turn it around but in this case I have been unable to. I lay awake at night and feel sick to my stomach most of the time. I was at a wedding a couple weeks ago with an open bar and found myself thinking of ways I could have just a few and nobody would know.
I started going to two meetings a week and reading posts here daily a couple of weeks ago thinking that would get me back in the right frame of mind but it has not.
After waking from a dream and really spending some time thinking about it this weekend I realized what anyone who has read this far figured out in the first couple of lines. I am not emotionally sober and have not prepared myself to deal with any number of things that could and eventually will come up in life. I am back to regular meetings but will make getting a sponsor and working the steps a priority. Even if I can not control what my son is doing right now I owe it to him to be making the best decisions and reacting the best way possible.
i could not work this programme on my own without a sponsor, without members, regular meetings and working step 11 every morning. this programme did not work for me in the past when i didnt use the tools of recovery, everything we need to know is in the big book, academically i know all the things tools action i need to take to apply the programme but actually doing it physically isnt always easy. one thing at a time. look after you first then you can deal with stuff better.
see the first step says we admitted.......that means for me i have to let other people in. a sponsor is a great aid, one to one talks is a necessity for me. i can so relate to not feeling emotionally sober, im still striving,and always will be but i have to work on me, the steps and this programme as a whole for the to happen. my relationship with the god of my understanding is so important. asking for help with guidance and direction every day. i prayed for that last yr when i needed a new sponsor and the right one came along for me. ask wholeheartly and you shall recieve.
i accept today i am completely powerless over other people whether there a stranger or a loved one it doesnt matter. my dad had to watch me for 10 yrs as an active alcoholic and tried to get me to go to aa from the age of 18, and im sure it must have be hearbreaking for him watching me killing myself slowly as in he a member himself,. but i didnt surrender until i was ready.
i go to al-anon myself also help me not to control and to detach and look after me. its been a huge benifit to me. i dont know if anything i said makes any sense i am not talking at you just telling you what worked for me.
i hope you find your way jason just remember you are an important person. will you got o any lengths to protect and maintain your sobriety. i am so glad you are going to work on finding that sponsor its all worthwhile good luck :) look foward to hear how you are getting on. your shares help me :)
take care
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life is a journey not a destination peace xx Trace
I've seen many people in AA struggle with the same sorts of things your dealing with. I've also seen many people drink over them. We have a saying around these parts (TN) that goes... "Until you take the steps, your still standing still." I agree with that 100%.
"if you want what we have, and are willing to go to any length to get it, then you are ready to take certain steps".
In my mind, working the steps with someone, either a sponsor or someone who has worked them is a HUGE part of this simple program. Every time I went back to drinking it was because I wasn't interested in the step work. For me, no matter how long I stayed dry, there was no recovery, because I wasn't doing anything to recover. Sure, meetings were great, but other than that there was nothing. I mean for me, to be in recovery there has to be some sort of "medicine" or "treatment" The 12 steps were the only medicine I had. Every morning I wake up with un-treated alcoholism. Un-treated alcoholism will get me drunk. To treat my alcoholism I need prayer, meditation, and daily step work...#'s 10, 11, and 12.
I like what you said about not controlling your son. For me, that's true of everyone in my life today. I also make a decision to not try...it takes away my serenity. I catch myself trying to change people because they haven't lived up to MY expectations. Talk about selfish! When I place expectations on others, I will almost certainly be let down. That can lead to resentment for me, and resentment for this drunk is deadly.
Boy, do I know what you're talking about. I'd been "around AA" (not the way some people are--I was "around" it due to other people's alcoholism way before my own revealed itself) for years and years, so when I came in, I also didn't feel any great urgency about working the steps. As desperate as I felt at the end of my drinking, I found it not to be a great struggle to stop--Step 1 came easily. So, like you, no great rush.
But I've found living in general to be very uncomfortable over the past year. I've continued to be active in AA, but I now understand that even though I don't feel like I'm in imminent danger of drinking, it could happen unless I do all the work. Not to mention, I'm tired of feeling the way I do.
Last night I shared for my two-year anniversary at one of my home groups and I was honest about just beginning to work the steps. Several people came up afterward and thanked me for being honest. (I DID say I didn't recommend anybody else do it this way, lol).
So my sponsor and I (yes, she has been gently pushing me) plan to get together later this week to get started.
Hey, SOMEBODY'S gotta be at the back of the class, right? I'm hopeful for both of us.
And you have my sympathies on the son--I'm a divorced mom of college-age kids, and it is a challenge, to say the least. You will be in a much better position to cope with your relationship with him by getting yourself squared away.
In support Jason! We have been living the nightmare of addiction of a loved one for many years.My own recovery was shaken to the ground and I needed much help and support.I do also attend another fellowship for parents and relatives of addicts...It has helped immensly and of course only thru the grace of God and the spiritual principles of our program am I able to continually move forward,trusting in my Higher Power and staying out of the way.With a heavy heart but an enlightened spirit I know I also can only keep myself together,the best help I could offer anyone...Faith........ believing what God can do,without yet seeing the results!!!! peace
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Jason...We are on almost the same timeline. I have always had a sponsor and have been doing the steps...Sometimes meetings have gone down to 3 a week at the least...but that is as low as I let it go. Anyhow, my point is that all this would still suck and you would not be happy about it even if you were doing more of the things you stated. What would be different is that you would have more faith and feel a little more hope and you would know that all you have to do is get through it a day at a time in order to walk out in a much better place down the road. You would have a sponsor to let go of the pain a little bit each day when talking to him. You would have a better understanding of how to let go in general because of the stepwork. You would not be doubting yourself and berating yourself so much because in everything I heard, you didn't do anything wrong, but were just whalloped by lots of change at once - which is majorly upsetting for alcoholics like us (At least I think it is). So...your foundation saved you from drinking, but the other things you are mentioning are going to restore your sanity and give you some serenity in the face of life's difficulties. Bless you.
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Aloha Jason...I peeked in because I have always liked input on the subject of emotional sobriety (actually sobriety at any level). Only one of the things I remembered is that blurb from the first 164 pages, "...Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point." Sounds like that is the point on which you stand now.
I learned from inside the program and from college that alcoholism is a disease of the mind, body, spirit and emotions. I learned from an early sponsor that if I wasn't recovering on all levels at the same time I wasn't recovering. Emotional sobriety for me is about choosing the emotions I want to live with rather than making myself a slave to any or all which pop up during a daily basis. It has become about emotional balance also taught by the same elder sponsor who taught, "If what you are feeling is causing you trouble; feel the opposite." No he wasn't the Yoda and yes he was more experienced than I and what he taught I still do. I never knew I could choose feelings opting for the former belief that feelings "just are". Today what I feel about something or during something is always a choice and the choice always has to support spiritual balance, physical balance, mental balance and emotional balance all at the same time.
Thanks everyone for your responses, I have someone in mind to talk to about being a sponsor tomorrow night and if that doesn't work out I will keep looking until I find one. I have changed a lot of my outlook and thinking in the last few years but know it could be a lot better.
If all you could give in the last 2 years is what you did...then it was not necessarily half measures. If you were not ready to work on emotional sobriety and the steps, a sponsor wouldn't have done you much good anyhow. It could be you were trying as hard as you could and were ready to. It would only be half measures starting now because you know you are ready for the steps and a sponsor. So...go bravely forward, but know that there is no way to do this program perfect... Just keep at it and all will fall into place. In support,
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
