My Story

GAM · Newbie

My Story

zzworldontheweb · Senior Member

Thanks for sharing sister, and welcome.

I can hear you on the shame angle, hoo-boy! I hid my drinking from my family and everyone because it made me feel like such a freak. I worried that my anonymity would be compromised if I went to AA, I was afraid that I'd lose all my friends, etc.

NONE of that came anywhere remotely close to happening. Everybody was understanding and supportive of my decision to quit. My family thought I was some kind of hero for asking for help, and I bet yours will too. The best way to do it is to come clean with your loved ones and others closest to you, because it's VERY difficult to do it alone. If you don't get along with the people you currently know in AA, try going to a meeting across the city. You don't have to say a thing and nobody will press you. Heck, you don't even have to give your real name. I used a pseudonym for the first few weeks myself.

Also, just going to AA right of the street may or may not be enough. If you're drinking every day, the withdrawal symptoms can be too frightening to deal with absent medical help. You probably should talk to your doctor and be honest about your consumption. He/she can get you into an environment where you can dry out. Nobody has to know why you're going in, just make up a story about having an ulcer or something. It's nobody's business but yours. AFTER you're past most of the withdrawal symptoms and your brain is working correctly again (one step at a time), THEN you can go on to figure out why you're drinking and how to start again.

It's SO encouraging to see someone seriously contemplating quitting. Wanting to change your life is a HUGE step. Good luck and do keep us posted!

-- Edited by zzworldontheweb on Saturday 21st of August 2010 06:20:02 PM

Dave Harm · Senior Member

Welcome GAM,

I too felt like I let my employer down, as well as my family. I felt so weak and ashamed of what I had become - an alcoholic.

When I surrendered I started with my wife (now ex) and told her I was an alcoholic, then four children, one at a time were told. Every one of them gave me a hug and smiled.

Then I told my employer and they were so revealed because I was close to losing my job because of my drinking, but they were willing to work with me because I was ready for a change.

The fears I started with were quickly gone because I had so much support... and all I did was come out of hiding... to say that I am an alcoholic...

Best wishes,
Dave

Lexie · Senior Member

Hi, GAM, and welcome.

I'm surprised, a bit, about your trepidation about going to AA when your husband is in the program. I don't know whether it would make it more, or less, uncomfortable for you to go to a meeting with him, but you could go as an observer first, just so you'd have a better idea what it's about.

As far as judgments from your family and your job, given the embarrassing incidents you've been having with alcohol, sooner or later you will find yourself in a situation much more upsetting than admitting you have a drinking problem. I chose to keep my recovery to myself until I felt like I was on pretty solid ground, but after almost two years sober, someone else finding out is pretty much a non-issue. I did something about my problem, and I don't feel any need to apologize about it.

Alcoholism doesn't go away by itself, and it's progressive. This is going to get worse unless you face it and do what you need to do.

There are judgmental people in AA as you will find anywhere else, but I find they are few and far between. We've all done mortifying things while drinking, and we know exactly how you feel.

I suggest you get to some meetings, preferably lots of different ones. Each group has its own "flavor", and there will probably be some that you like more than others.

Sobriety is the greatest gift you can give yourself.

turninggrey · MIP Old Timer

Hey Gam,
Welcome. Your story is new to you but as old as alcohol. Read this: http://anonpress.org/bb/
and you will get more of the background. We were all stressed about the first meeting but you are being called there for a reason. Please keep us posted.
Tom

Jerry F · MIP Old Timer

Aloha GAM...you've got some good feedback and support from the MIP fellowship
already and I just want to add from that part of your share here that made me itch
and that was building reasons and justifications for not coming into your first
meeting and the fellowship. This disease doesn't want you in the rooms and uses
fear to keep you away. Read the post by Sober Steve just before yours which is
reality. Alcohol is a mind and mood altering chemical. The disease of alcoholism
is described by the AMA as a complusion of the mind and an alergy of the body.
Your body is screaming STOP and your mind is saying I'm too AFRAID. Here is
where I was taught If I didn't have another drink I thought I'd die and if I had one
I knew it would kill me. Alcoholism is a progressive fatal disease. The most hopeful
person to help you stop and change is another recovering drunk...someone other
than your husband best call a recovering alcoholic woman.

I hope you let go of the fear for the next 90 days (0ne at a time) and get to a
meeting daily for that period of time.

Some people are grateful, glad and happy I am sober today. Some don't believe
I am alcoholic and then there is me, the only one that needed to be convinced and
get into the first group.

If you come in you don't know what will happen yet. If you don't come in you know
what will continue. The fear of the next drink should always be greater than the
fear of the meeting room for a sober brother and sister. In support (((((hugs))))) smile

louisa · Senior Member

Hello (((Gam)))

*smiling* Creative fields can be incredibly gossipy environments can't they wink

In my experience some folk in the "creative fields" of which I used to be in myself almost see being in the program as a badge of honour. NOT all...but some.....

Were I in your situation (and I am only speaking for myself here and from experience I have of other couples) I would tend to want to keep my recovery seperate from my husband's. I would maybe even phone the Hotline and come into AA from scratch. I would keep my recovery as my own. I would attend seperate meetings from my husband ....maybe when we both had a fair bit of sobriety i would attend with him but not till then.

I guess the idea though is for you to get to a meeting......so if you feel that going with your husband will get you there then I understand that. For me it would not work. I would seek out my own meetings......that said you could go once with him and then seek out your own meetings.......you choose Gam how you want to work this.

Most folk in AA do not gossip......infact I have found them extremely careful and horrified if they accidentally say something(which they rarely do). That is though something you have no control over other than to seek out meetings in areas where you may feel less likely to be recognised. We are all there for the same thing....but I do understand that fear. As a woman I feel chatting with some other female AAs before or after a meeting would help asuage your fears. We have been where you are.....

Re other people being disappointed. Well it can also be surprising how unjudgemental people can often be. Usually I only let people know on a "need to know" basis, however those I have told when I haven't needed to have been supportive.

Bottom line is if you cannot take a drink without that craving.....then that will only get worse......it did for me. I ended up losing everything........materially and mentally.

Other people's judgements and opinions of you are irrelevant - I don't wish to scare you but for me it just got to the point where had I continued to care about that i would have drunk myself to death and "other people" would have ended up talking about me in the past tense after I was dead and buried........though I also have to say I think people had probably been far more aware than I realised of the fact I couldn't hold my drink biggrin

You can do this!!! You really can.........I was terrified to go to a meeting but it was the kindest place I had ever been to ..........especially after the kind of "Ugly Betty" Tv show environment i had been working in!

Even if you don't feel able to act straight away, I hope this is some help to you.....you have taken a first step by posting here........well done aww

!
Lots of love
Louisa xx

GAM · Newbie

Thanks so much for your responses! Getting the positive feedback has already made me feel better about going to a meeting. I live downtown, so I may seek a meeting uptown.

Luckily, my drinking hasn't gotten bad enough for me to need to detox. This is day 2 of no drinking since the last horrifying incident of which the details and hazy, humiliating, and pitiful...not that I pity myself- far from it, I'm furious with myself.

Despite my husband's sobriety, he loves me so much, I honestly think that he thinks, I can do no wrong. That's what really hurts: admitting to him that I have failed- failed him and failed me. I can't let this hold me back though, because I know each time I binge drink, I'm failing him and myself.

I do things none of my loved ones would approve of, and worse, things I can barely remember.

I'd really like to attend all-women meetings. Are there many of these? Though, I appreciate everyone's stories and responses, I identify the most with other women at this point. The stigma of being a woman alcoholic is hard to reconcile, and I'd love to speak to other women about how they overcame this disease to go on to have self-love and a healthy lifestyle.

I so appreciate this dialogue so far, thank you to everyone who took the time to reach out!

Lexie · Senior Member

There are a lot of women's meetings where I am.

Why not ask your husband to bring home a meeting list for you? Or your intergroup's website probably has a list that indicates which are women's meetings.

I think you will be surprised how supportive your husband is. He knows, better than most people, that alcoholism isn't a moral defect, it's a disease. He may be sad that you have to deal with this, yourself, but I don't think he will be disappointed in you--he will be proud of you for taking good care of yourself.

louisa · Senior Member

Hello again Gwen! aww

If you call the AA helpline they will be able to guide you as to where those meetings are. I am in England and am not aware of any specifically for women in my area but I know they do exist in other places. Our helpline here will arrange for a female to chat with a female or even meet you at a meeting.......the AA helpline worldwide I understand is amazing too!

There will normally be plenty of women at the regular mixed sex meetings that you can chat to and relate to.......so there's no need to be concerned if there is no women's only meeting in your area. You will be well looked after!!! smile

Like I say, your local AA helpline will be able to guide you. And just like Lexie said you can attend various meetings till you find where you feel most comfortable.

Sending you lots of love.....
Louisa xx

Pablomoses · Senior Member

Welcome Gwen!!
Reading your story and support you've received. Makes me grateful for AA and all miracles in progress.
I can identify with the letting others down angle of your story.
I was the normie in the family, until my drinking caught up to me. The hero child, wanting to gain respect for the family that was extremely goofed up...as most families are goofed up to a degree?!
Anywho, seeing my folks, and siblings dealing with their addictions, should have been a red flag to me...and it was. But, that didn't stop me from going down the progressive diseased road.
We share similar stories, blackouts, periods of sobriety, uncontrolled drinking, hidden drinking, not wanting to tell people that the disease had me for the embarrassment, shame, and the AA nazis out there....hehehe-----all excuses for me to continue down the road and drink.
Well, it's been 5 and a half years since my last drink. No detox here, kept my wife and children, people were happy that I stopped. I was not judged one way or another by people who counted.

My guess, is that people know what you're going through, so go uptown and do what you gotta do.
Come back and let us know how it went.
The gossipy and judgmental folks that you refer to as being in the program are possibly there, most of us share fellowship without being critical, we've been there before, it is scary at first. But, I wish you the best experience possible in sobriety.
Being present in my own life, which was impossible to do while drinking....and drinking meant being loaded.....
Being present in my life, my wife's life, my children's life, my colleague's life, my client's/student's life.....all my AA life----has been the greatest gift I have ever received. And it keeps on giving.....as we support others and are supported by others!!
Happy journey!!

angelov8 · MIP Old Timer

I live on the west coast and here, I've found meeting schedules are well posted on-line to look at in most places. Try googling AA NYC meeting schedule. I've found women's meetings wonderful and it's a great place to get a sponsor, who can help you navigate things(And soooo much more!). Usually women sponsor women and viceversa. It's hard to walk up the steps to the first meeting. Most people don't go in the beginning for the fun of it, right. To my chagrin I was a group-hating person and I now look forward to meetings. If you suspect you have an issue, you most likely do. And I identified with much of the drinking part of your story myself. I will say that AA is not for everyone. However, I have found it to be nothing like I expected, that I was the one with all the judgements and I am entirely grateful and happy to be a part of the fellowship today. Try several meetings. And yes, youv'e made the first step by posting here. Hope to see you around.

-- Edited by angelov8 on Monday 23rd of August 2010 02:45:50 AM

-- Edited by angelov8 on Monday 23rd of August 2010 02:47:05 AM

Larry_H · MIP Old Timer

Gwen

Welcome to MIP!! Here is a NYC meeting list URL

http://www.nyintergroup.org/meetinglist/

Larry,
----------
Stick with the winners and win with the stickers

GAM · Newbie

Thanks for the the info. I had an open bottle of wine in the house and went to take a sip this morning and then poured it out. It almost got me, I'm going to my first meeting tonight.

3 Days sober, not much, but I'm going to stay strong!

louisa · Senior Member

(((Gwen)))
Good for you!
And, 3 days sober? That is VERY much!!!!
WELL DONE YOU !!!!
It is inspiring and you have shown great courage!
Lots of love,
Louisa
xx

zzworldontheweb · Senior Member

Wow, good for you. Any progress is good progress and every day is a little victory.

You seem to be fortunate that you have a LOT of meetings available in NYC. Don't give up, if one isn't helpful, try another one. Persistence is the key and it pays off.