God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference. --The Serenity Prayer
Newcomer
What if the person to whom I'm trying to make amends is still too angry to accept my apology or doesn't want anything to do with me?
Sponsor
This is an important question. When we speak our amends aloud or write them in a letter, as long as we have acknowledged the harm we've done and are committed to doing things differently, then our amends are genuine and we've done our part.
One of the things over which we have no control is the way another person reacts to our amends. He or she may be understanding, even loving and generous, or may not be as ready to forgive us as we are to acknowledge harm we've done. Hearing from us may revive old anger or pain. Some may think we're trying to get off easy. Our recovery itself may cause resentment.
In time, friends' or relatives' attitudes may change or they may not. We can't force other human beings to forgive us or to want us in their lives, and we can't make things happen on our timetable.
Today, I do my part by taking appropriate actions; I turn over the results of those actions to my Higher Power.
This is so true. When I came to this step it was so hard for me to do--many people that I would have liked to make amends with are either gone or we are not talking since I got sober.
Even some of my so called sober friends stopped talking to me since I could not drive and was asking them for rides. They would say come by and join us--we are going to be at such and such--I told them I could come but needed a ride there and back--usually noone wanted to go out of their way to give me a ride.
Even now 8 Years sober and have been driving again for 1 Year out of the 8, a lot of people still want nothing to do with me.
The only way around some of the amending was to leave a message once or twice on their voice-mail or e-mail (if I had either), or I mailed them a note. One or 2 I heard from and they understood what had happened, the others nothing.
For the ones that are gone--the only thing I could do was write a letter to them, read it outloud a few times or to my sponsor and then either shred it or burn it in a sort of ceremony in their name--a couple of them I was able to go to their gravesite and read the letter there then destroy it after getting home.
So for some people they may never know the full outcome or that I am sober and am a lot Happier then I was 8 Years ago. Maybe I will run into them at a store or a reunion one day--but who knows what day or year may be.
At least I know I have done my part and have a clean slate from which to work off of.
Good post Larry and certainly we can learn from how others react to amends ours and others. One of the reactions I participated in on an amends that took 22 years of recovery to approach (HP's time not mine) was "In my whole lifetime I would have never expected that this would happen" and yet that man and his son had lived all that time with the pain over what I had done to them and their family 22 years before. The three of us sitting in that livingroom participated in grace and I came to understand once more what a blessing feels like. Great share.
One thing I learned from this amends was the necessity of releasing my victims from the spiritual, mental and emotional hurt I inflicted while the disease was rolling. It is an important requirement of my recovery and of great interest to my HP because all involved are loved unconditionally.
-- Edited by Jerry F on Saturday 21st of August 2010 07:39:12 PM
Thank you Larry for this post. I have very recently set in motion through a letter, that one amends, you know, THAT one the really hard one that can be done if I am willing. I'm trying to remain calm and remember HP and all of you are with me as I wait for word about my request for a face to face meeting. I know I am doing the right thing and this post reminded me that even if my request is turned away, I have attempted to do my part. I have hemmed and hawed, now feel that I am totally willing and following my sponsor's recommendation that this is the best way to maintain strong sobriety and we have carefully considered the timing. Blessings to all.
