Mark, I can relate to what you are talking about. But my father went a little "over and above the call of duty" when it came to punishment when I was a child. He was very controling because my mother died in a drunk accident at age 29, and he was terrified of me going down a dangerous path as well. He was moderately physically abusive in his punishment, according to today's standards. Social standards or not, he terrified me and hurt me, leaving bruises and welts on me, and holes in the walls. I was corporally punished in public at times as well, into my highschool years.

I blamed him for all my problems and used him as an excuse to drink and get high for many years. Then I went to a long term treatment center in my 20's, where I had a great therapist who worked with me and we faced and dealt with abuse issues. I thought at the time that I had forgiven my dad, seeing that his irratic and violent behavior was all part of a sickness ruled by fear. I saw that he was a miserable, lonely and sad person. This did not excuse the behavior, but it did allow for the door to forgiveness from me to open just an inch or so.

After I got out, months later, I was still working the Steps with my sponsor. I sat down with him at dinner one on one and made some amends to him verbally. Then I talked about his abusive punishment and controling behavior and how it affected me. This was not supposed to be the point of 9th Step amends-making, but I was a little confused, and very young at the time. My dad fully denied that he ever "crossed the line" in any way. I was crushed, devastated. My world felt like it was going to collapse. It pretty much did, because my expectations went well beyond what actually occurred. He refused to come to counseling with me. He refused to admit any wrong doing. And where I was at at the time, this solidified the wall I had built around my heart and fortified it with solid iron.

Years later I returned to that treatment center for another round. Then I went to counseling on my own for 4 years to work on family of origin issues and PTSD which was brought on by an assault in adult life. I was able through those 4 years of work to fully release my father from my resentments. I saw that I may never get an admission of guilt or an apology from my father, and I became completely satisfied with that proposition. I wanted to start from TODAY and move forward, and develop an adult relationship with him. I wanted to clean up MY side of the street, regardless of what his looked like. That was not my problem. "I" was my problem. I did just that and no longer allowed the hatred and blaming to be a part of my "new start" with dad.

Years later, we had grown together as father and daughter, recapturing a lot of the fun times we had when we were younger. We started riding his horses and fishing together again. I made him paintings for his birthday and Christmas. I reached out to talk to him on a regular basis and not when I wanted or needed something.

One evening years later he invited me out to dinner with him, just he and I. He was troubled. before we even got our food, he broke down into tears and expressed that he secretly blamed himself and his "beatings" as he called them, for my problems with alcohol and drugs. Had it been years before, I would have told him he was right. But I had healed. I told him he was totally wrong. That ALL my decisions regarding alcohol and drugs were made solely by me. That I alone was repsonsible for the choices I had made. I told him that many many children out there grow up in far worse conditions, some experiencing horrible things like rape and incest, and many of them do not ever pick up a drink or drug. That alcoholism is no one's "fault". And that I was grateful for my alcoholism because through recovery it has provided me with a depth of empathy and character I might not have otherwise been blessed to have. I cried my eyes out with him, assuring him that my childhood was a good one overall. I told him that I was blessed to have had a father who actually paid attention to me. I reminded him how after long 60 and 70 hour work weeks paving highways, he would get a couple of hours sleep and then spend the entire weekend with me at horse shows, grooming my horse and cleaning my saddles and making sure everything was "just so" before we went prancing into the arena. I reminded him how during the winter when he was laid off for the season, we would hang out together for days on end in the garage cleaning up and repainting old Harley Davidson police issue motorcycles together. He showed me how to fix things and repaint things. He and I together built things out of wood, like a big display case in my bedroom for all my horse show trophies and ribbons. That part of his living FOR ME as a father is unmatched.

By the end of our dinner, where we both ate very little, our mutual forgiveness for eachother beamed down on us in a ray of light. And that light has followed us everywhere for the past 6 years. We were both released from guilt, remorse and pain.

This is a miracle of recovery. A miracle of the change in my own attitudes, feelings and thoughts. Decades of pain and and resentment and frustration gone. It took work to get there but it happened when it was supposed to, and "quite by surprise." And as I once heard an old-timer say, "the longer I grow in recovery, the better my childhood looks, as I look back." So true.

Thanks for letting me share my healing here as well Mark.