Can I get some advice from a few of you about a newcomer who is causing a disturbance in a few of our meetings? I live across the street from a recovery facility (how lucky am I!!!!!). There are a lot of meetings at the facility that are AA and not run by the facility which follows the traditions. About a month ago a regular member brought a friend to an open AA meeting. This person introduced herself as recovering from co-dependency and that at times she has had problems with drugs and alcohol. The problem is that she has been coming to a lot of meetings and usually has at least one small child with her. She speaks out of turn, talks about things other than recovery etc... She has been asked to leave meetings, asked not to share, asked not to bring children etc.... Nothing has seemed to make any impact on her. She obviously, as many of us do, has some mental health problems.
My opinion is that "this too shall pass" but a lot of others want something done about this by the facility. The facility feels that this is not their concern because it is an AA meeting and if it was anywhere else we would have to handle the situation ourselves. And what is happening now is that "what to do about her" is causing more of a disturbance than she is with everyone trying to figure out what can be done.
Wow Sue, the Traditions are pretty vague on this type of thing, I believe. But I hope someone here who has more experience with them can help guide the dicsussion? All I know is that AA Groups remain autonomous on matters affecting the group, but that they shouldn't do anything that would negatively affect AA as a whole, or break its Traditions. I am interested in seeing what others here suggest. From what I understand though, it would probably be up to the Group Conscience, led by HP, through a vote. At least that is how I understand decisions directly affecting a group are to be made.
On a personal note, I like your tack on things... "live and let live." I tend to take that attitude when stuff like this has happened through the course of my attending of AA meetings, some of which had disturbances like the one you describe.
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
Maybe you or some other woman in the group or meeting might offer to sponsor this newcomer. Then be compassionatly honest with her and explain to her what an AA meeting is really all about.
If she is in fact claiming to be an alcoholic, then she needs help and most likely is reaching out ( in ways not acceptable to some other members ) and probably just needs some guidance from a more experienced member.
Remember, we do have the Responsibility Declaration.
A few suggestions. As the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking and she has met that requirement I don't see asking her to leave as an option.
The regular that brought her at first IMO should be the one to tell her she isn't welcome. Or explain how things are run and children aren't welcome.
If children are not allowed then she needs to find a day care or not come.
When ever she gets off topic remind her she is off topic and to move on.
If the meeting is run orderly, around the circle, ask her to wait her turn.
When she brings up topics not related to recovery tell her to talk to her sponsor about that or talk about those topics at coffee. Yes this would involve asking her to coffee. When anyone any where...
Have several of the old timers take her aside from the meeting and have a meeting of their own. you could rotate who goes with her each time.
Don't do anything, don't respond to her off topic talk, don't mention her children, have the chairperson move the meeting along when she gets off topic or talks to long, act as if she is a member of the group. If she doesn't get her fill of negative attention she may not want to be there.
-- Edited by Dan B 76 on Thursday 19th of August 2010 10:31:20 PM
There is a guy who comes to our meetings and shares about madonna stealing his songs and how he wrote all of Pearl Jam's music...he is so schizophrenic that it is sad. We all just listen to him not make sense and then I guess we feel glad we don't have that disease. I wouldn't worry too much about the kid cuz if the person is mentally ill, the kid is probably benefitting from contact with more sane individuals. I think just say repeatedly "There but for the grace of God go I" and then turn it over.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Reality is if you don't do something that works it will remain the same as it is. Often times the "changing what I can is really changing what we can" We being the membership and still the collective fear makes us stumble. Mostly what we deal with locally is cross talking and cliques. We have handled this repeatedly over time and what makes it work is when the meeting secretary or chairperson does their responsibility by responding to it rather than letting the fellowship react to it. In the past I have witnessed disruptive people (I wont' use members because the violation of the traditions cancels that out for me and I don't use one tradition selectively choosing to apply all traditions collectively in the present) taken from a meeting by a member to be spoken to privately which causes the member "servant" to miss the meeting while encouraging the disruptive person to speak one on one. That often works...it is working here presently. Just a suggestion.
Some of it depends on the group conscious and how meetings are run in your area. You could bring it up at the next meeting, if that hasn't already been done.
I like Pinkchip's opinion on this one. I also attend a meeting where there's a gentlemen who comes to some of the meetings and shares longer than suggested and about things other than sobriety and recovering. He also has a known mental disorder. He freely speaks about this. IMO- He has the right to be there and it's a practice of patience and tolerance for the rest of us. Life and Let Live. We have on occassion had the secretary respectively interrupt and inform him that the group conscious limits shares to 5 mins and he has gone over. In order for others to have a chance to share the group needs to move on. I actually like the guy. He courageous and wants to be involved. In fact he's been sober 25+ years. Must be doing something right.
On the kid thing; they can be a distraction but some folks have no choice. I would rather see them at a meeting with their child trying to get sober than at home attempting to do it on their own. Also, the group could assist this woman with possible child care at the meeting site or close by depending on the local and size of the group.
Thank you everyone. All of you have had great suggestions and advice. I guess I just wanted to be reassured that just "letting go and letting God" is the way to go. Some of our regular members are making a big deal out of her disturbances, but most of us are trying to be accepting and understanding. Some of the women have tried to take her under their wing but she doesn't seem to get the way the program works........YET! In the meantime I am going to be nice to her and accept her for who she is......Like PINKCHIP said "But for the Grace of God, there go I" I will keep her in my prayers.
