So, for 37 years I've had a nephew and two days ago I started to have a 37 year old niece. "My testicles are now in a bag marked medical waste.", she wrote. For over ten years I've been hearing about "the lesbian trapped inside a man's body" and my birth family has been adapting to calling her by her self-chosen female name. Tuesday was the first surgery; clinical castration.
So I've been thinking about her today. The post-AA Rob is a much simpler Rob. I am willing to accept. I never, ever condemned her in the previous years about her journey. She is not a freak. She is just as here as I am. My birth family, however, has used her gender identity as a litmus-test of tolerance and used it to judge others. Myself included. It took a long time for me to use her new name and adopt female pronouns while She still had all her boy-parts. I was called a 'redneck' by my birth family. Now post-AA Rob asks himself "What do I think and feel about this? Am I predjudiced?"
The right answer is that I don't have to think or feel anything about it. I don't HAVE to empathize or search for deep understanding. My side of the street simply needs to stay clean; do no harm, harbor no predjudice and just accept.
After all...it's not my nuts in the medical-waste bag.
Rob...good share and insight and after repeatedly coming back you will continue to alter perception and gain a greater degree of acceptance. I learned an art-form practice from the other rooms of Al-Anon called "detachment" part only of which is not disinterest but acceptance and allowance for the degree of responsibility for my part in my life. It is a powerful artform which helps me understand the prayer the Desirata and the section on allowance which says, "for they too have their story."
I came to understand that part of my recovery journey would be walking from side to side searching until I found that path that led me forward and outward in growth. I have learned to practice that by coming here and being humble (teachable). Truely I am powerless beyond alcoholism and grateful to learn and accept that.
Other People's Issues really do belong to other people. Let that understanding be my reationalization to let go and let God.
My father, may his alcoholic butt rest in peace, insisted his children learn one thing..... live and let live. He said we have no right to judge others, unless we have walked in their shoes. No one will ever completely understand everything I have been through that makes me who I am today. Just as I am sure no one will ever fully understand how your "niece" feels or what she has been through.
There have been many times in my life that I have been proud of my father for teaching me that lesson and proud of myself for learning it.
I went through a (thankfully brief) phase when I "discovered" feminism, and became rather quick to judge others (especially men, of course), as being sexist. It embarrasses me now that I actually once wrote a letter to the editor criticizing the governor for giving a kiss on the cheek to our State's first female Supreme Court justice. Ultimately I got tired of playing the victim role and carrying a chip on my shoulder, and chilled out. There is, of course, REAL racism and sexism and prejudice of the ugly kind that harms others. Those battles are worth fighting. The thing is, though, we ALL have prejudices. I don't beat myself up for my thoughts that are the product of how I was raised and my own experiences. But I DO, like Rob, do my best to treat people as they should be treated, regardless of my private prejudices. That's really all we can do.
Awe Rob, Great great attitude. Great way to look at this. I like how you mentioned that you don't have to "empathize or search for deep understanding". That really hit me. Sometimes I find myself feeling GUILTY for not identifying with other peoples' pain in certain respects, and it is all just coda crap. I have enough of my OWN pain, and the pain of fellow alcoholics, that I DO identify with, and I do not need to add guilt to all that for not being able to "save the world" through a sense of shared agony over things that are clearly not in my own hula-hoop.
In your post when you spoke of your family's reaction to you, it seems like you are willing to "live and let live" regarding THEIR opinion of you, also. That shows a lot of growth. Family can push buttons so easily, after all, they are the ones who INSTALLED the buttons in the first place!
Good for you. :o)
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
Yeah...they call the community GLBT...Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgendered...But..in truth, I don't relate to a transgendered person in any way...they are not gay and have totally separate issues...With that being said, if I expect acceptance and open mindedness from others, I'm going to give it back. I could give a rats ass about your body parts or what you do in your bedroom if I am not the one doing it with you. So...message being...more love, less hate...stay sober and love people that are capable of showing you love back. Glad the new Rob doesn't judge as much :)
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Hi. I must share that the most courageous people I know are transgendered. Many are put through a living hell by those who do not know enough about this birth condition (physiological/brain-body) to know what they are talking about, but feel perfectly free to spew all kinds of hurtful and hateful things. I hope and pray for love and compassion for your niece and wish her all the best. My two-cents worth---do everything you can to get used to her-as her...it is very painful when one has transitioned and then still gets called by the wrong pronoun. Granted, it is also very hard on the family to make that shift when they have been so used to the opposite gender for so many years, so it takes practice and genuine willingness. And yes, some humility and gratitude. Tacky-but-true---I am grateful I am not called upon to go through such a journey in my own life---don't know if I would have the courage.
Thank you for the share and lesson on acceptance. I have taught with a couple transgendered colleagues. Saw one go through the whole process from Mr. X to Ms. X. It was a difficult journey. And like you and others, i really don't know what my transgendered colleagues went/go through. As long as I take care of me and my side of the street all is well. Family can and does what it does in our lives no matter how we wished it would be different. Easy for me to type?! It is what it is, family. Can choose 'em, but gotta deal with them for a real long time.
