Its gotten worse over the years and thats been in sobriety thats its gotten worse.
I think perfectionism and worry and fear all come into it. And lack of acceptance of reality. Sometimes i dont like my choices or i am terrified of the choices. or i am so scared of making a wrong choice. so i freeze out of fear and end up doing nothing but cry. I never used to be like this I dont know what happened. I also have OCD & am a survivor of child abuse and think this is connected to it as well as having an alki brain.
anyone else get this or similar.
-- Edited by slugcat on Tuesday 17th of August 2010 07:53:43 AM
Hi slugcat, yes of course I have the same issue with making decisions, even now. For me, it has to do with the idea that someone is going to come along and criticize what I've done. I trace this back to hyper-critical alcoholic parenting that I received. The solution, for me is to evaluate my decision process on paper (pros and cons) including the implications of not making a decision (which is a decision itself). I try and do this in the morning when my head is clear and my best thinking is available. I regularly pray about bigger decisions. And on decisions of lesser importance, I make myself choose more spontaneously, with the expectation that I may find out later that I could've made a slightly better choice (consumerism). I used to do gobs of research and shop purchases to death. Then a wonderful thing happened, at about 1 year sober. I came across some motivational (business) tapes, a box of, that someone was getting rid of. One of the tapes was on "Time Management". As soon as I got the concept that my time had a value, and assigned an hourly value to it, and considered my spare time to be even more valuable, I was able to see how much time I wasted, nervously deliberating over minor decisions. It's a process and there is definitely a lot of material to read about over coming "analysis paralysis".
It's important to follow the decision making process and invest more in it for more involved decisions. The key is to allow yourself failure too. You just aren't going to make the best decisions all the time. Sometimes they can be downright destructive. However, we are human and that is just part of the deal in life. Identify with the things you can control and focus on making good decisions to get the outcomes you desire. When you make bad decisions learn from them. Never beat yourself up about things you cannot control as there are many of them in life. Trust God to guide you through those times as they also have a purpose.
Remember, indecision is a decision that you control.
I used to be terrified of making mistakes and that affected my ability to make decisions.
Thanks to the program and having since made many mistakes, (Mmm not too sure that came out right!!!!....I think I mean having gained the courage to make decisions) they no longer hold such fear for me. I realised that most mistakes I make are not going to be fatal for other people or myself and somehow that brought me some perspective.
Knowing this about myself was one of the reasons I knew I did not want a sponsor for life.......I would be way too tempted to continually run everything past her.....not healthy for me. No growth.....no risk taking.....I needed to make mistakes to get comfortable with them.....to be less afraid of them. (I know good sponsors will not allow their sponsees to do that but I needed to feel on my own - in a good way) My HP must have sighed plenty !!!!!
I can still fall into analysis paralysis ...but rarely these days.
I love the saying ........"I used to be indecisive but now I'm not so sure!"
Slugcat, Yes, I can relate. Prior to getting sober and recovery this was a huge problem for me. Most of it was fear based. I did whatever you wanted me to so I would be liked and get your approval. I had no personal boundaries. I also would have a hard time talking because I was afraid of what to say. I stew in my own head about deciding what to say. Once again fear based.
AA, Sponsor, Steps and my HP have taught me how to make decisions. How to have boundaries and accept Life on Lifes terms. It was a process that continues to grow as long as I continue to take action in my recovery.
Quick/minor decisions- I've been taught that I have the steps in my belly and living an honest life with solid principles and to go with my gut.
Bigger decisions- I use step 11 for decision making- I ask GOD to inspire me with a thought or a decision on how to proceed- then pause and sometimes the answer just comes to me. If not; it's hard to be inspired all the time- it's a process that will improve over time- and in those cases I ask for the courage to make a decision, weigh pro/cons, ask myself what would GOD want me to do; if needed.... then make a decision.
Either Way- I've learned that it's just a decision and I'm human and can and will be wrong. That's o.k. with me today. I have humility- meaning I accept my imperfect self today. With a strong desire to learn and grow in the Spirit I also know these are learning experiences for me. The sky's not going to fall on these decisions and if my head is clear and calm GOD will re-direct me if I get off course. Step 10 allows me to make immediate amends if I harm anyone in the process.
I think just the willingess to change, learn, take direction and trust has lead to this change in my life. I'm very grateful for the change.
Slugcat, Yes, I can relate. Prior to getting sober and recovery this was a huge problem for me. Most of it was fear based. I did whatever you wanted me to so I would be liked and get your approval. I had no personal boundaries. I also would have a hard time talking because I was afraid of what to say. I stew in my own head about deciding what to say. Once again fear based.
Thank you for sharing that. Fits me to a tee. Then I would get drunk and spout off a bunch of baggage crap due to the lack of boundries and honest sharing with myself and others. Had no idea.
Looks like you are not alone in this! I tend to have problems with decision making, and can relate with these posts. It has gotten better over the years of my sobriety but I don't think it will ever go away. It can affect my relationships - I think I was driving my husband nuts this weekend trying to pick bedroom furniture for my daughter. Thank goodness I have a sweet man, and he also realized I wasn't in a good place physically and that was affecting my thinking and feelings.
Prayer and meditation has been the biggest help for me. Also realizing that although I can make decisions and take action, I can't necessarily create a certain outcome. My sponsor helped me with that years ago - that I am responsible for my direct actions, but the outcomes are up to God. I've done many "wrong" things that turned out right somehow, and vice-versa. (I say this knowing that my sponsor was really hard on me about my actions, regardless of the outcomes!)
I like that you mentioned the lack of acceptance of reality. There have been many times that I've been afraid of my choices or don't like them, but when I look back at certain situations I am amazed at the bigger picture that came of it all. I still struggle with a belief that there is some supreme being who has my best interest in mind, but when I have true faith then my decisions seem less daunting. I am not perfect but I am loved and will be taken care of. (I wrote all that knowing I need to hear it - so thanks!)
Its gotten worse over the years and thats been in sobriety thats its gotten worse.
I think perfectionism and worry and fear all come into it. And lack of acceptance of reality. Sometimes i dont like my choices or i am terrified of the choices. or i am so scared of making a wrong choice. so i freeze out of fear and end up doing nothing but cry. I never used to be like this I dont know what happened. I also have OCD & am a survivor of child abuse and think this is connected to it as well as having an alki brain.
anyone else get this or similar.
-- Edited by slugcat on Tuesday 17th of August 2010 07:53:43 AM
Like other here I still suffer from the same things. I often talk to my sponsor about problems such as these, and he always tells me the same things...
"perfectionism is setting yourself up for failure. It's placing unrealistic expectations on yourself that can lead to resenting yourself." (in my case, shame and self pity).
"Fear and worry are proof of a lack of faith in your HP." (in my case, still sometimes thinking I have control and know what's best for Brian, but it's still impossible for me to see the bigger picture that he can see).
Learning to practice acceptance of life and of things I can not change is hard as hell for me, but I keep trying...forward movement. When I'm faced with a life changing decision, I NEVER make it alone anymore. I get the help of someone who might be in a better place (mentally). I have to remind myself that every problem, just like every journey starts with the first step. I can't make it to the top of the mountain in one giant step, so I try and start small just to get moving forward. For me, life is like going up a down escalator... it's possible for me to make it to the top, but it's hard work. As soon as I stop, I'm moving backwards again. For this drunk, backwards is the WRONG WAY!!!
....I think I mean having gained the courage to make decisions) they no longer hold such fear for me. I realised that most mistakes I make are not going to be fatal for other people or myself and somehow that brought me some perspective.
