I was playing with my daughter the other day in my in-laws back yard. They dont live with me any more and my wife has filed for divorce. It was my visitation. We were running around and playing wi'th different things. All of a sudden she says to me "you arent mad any more daddy?" I was overwhelmed. She felt my anger. She knew it wasnt anything to do with her.
A few days ago I had an experience with God. He showed me how I had never been invested spiritually in my marriage the way I should have been. My wife was. I had betrayed her in a very bad way. I knew I loved her but was never able to connect with her spiritually due to my alcoholism. I had never connected with myself spiritually due to alcoholism and thus I could not connect with anyone else. Suddenly I identified with the mission of alcoholics and AA and how all is not hopeless despite it seeming to be. I could feel the pain my wife had experienced at the hands of this disease. Perhaps I am on the way of really feeling her the way I should.
My daughter floored me with her statement. There was no reason for this to be in her mind. We were just playing. She is a young child of four. She can feel me. She has a connection with God that is strong for much of my anger has been released. It grows for the alcoholic through terrible self speak and powerlessness to touch reality and be positive. It is not always about everyone else and never about me. Over time this is a festering boil for the alcoholic. I have just entered recovery for the first time in my life and accept the way the disease infests my brain. I still have the thoughts but am able to dismiss them. They are becomming less and less. They are now an external force crippling my brain not an internal worm burrowing holes through which I see reality.
Its about living our lives true to ourselves and allowing those we love into our hearts. My daughter is a young innocent child, true to herself in every way with little or no baggage-- except that brought on my my alcoholism. Is she suddenly able to feel me because my heart is available for her?
I am an alcoholic. In every sense powerless over alcohol. If I open my heart God will show me the way. I am finding the ability to connect with my loved ones. God willing, I will find a way to meet my responsiblities to them. Despite my long-lived sickness God has delivered these beautiful people into my life. May he deliver them into my heart and allow it to receive them.
-- Edited by typ0 on Tuesday 17th of August 2010 05:05:39 AM
-- Edited by typ0 on Tuesday 17th of August 2010 05:08:57 AM
Thanks for sharing Typ0. I went through a divorce, at the beginning of my sobriety, and my son was 2 yo at the time. At about 6 months sober, I started attending ACOA meetings, as both my parents are/were alcoholics. That got me reading John Bradshaw (a family counselor in the addiction field, who is sober 50 years now I think) books. In "On the Family" he explains that children, during a divorce, internalize (blame themselves) thinking "if I were a better little boy/girl my parents wouldn't be splitting up. It's important to maintain a dialog of positive affirmations. I explained several times to my son that he was wonderful and that Mom and Dad separating wasn't about him at all. I'm sure that you've had this sort of talk, but it may explain where you daughter was coming from, when she asked the question.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Tuesday 17th of August 2010 08:03:47 AM
Thank you. Yes, I try and reinforce that and positive communication is happening with mom. It may be that she wondered if I was mad at her I actually hadn't thought of that. She's seen a lot of anger in me she didn't understand over the last couple years. Now, she doesn't understand any of what's going on. In my heart I don't think this divorce will come to fruition and believe my wife doesn't either. She said she is going to try and work through her personal hurdles to trusting again and I am on my way to being able to be trusted. While I'm hopeful the love in the hearts of every member of our family will be able to flourish I understand my part of it is to heal from the alcoholism and then see what happens.
You might suggest to your wife, if she is willing, to try some Al-Anon meetings. I've been married to two alcoholics, and was in Al-Anon long before my own drinking spiralled out of control. It was very helpful to me in keeping myself separate from the alcoholic (it's called "detachment" but it doesn't mean indifference--it just means learning how not to be totally enmeshed in the other person's problems, recovery, etc.). It also uses the Twelve Steps for recovery from the effects of living with alcoholism, which means you can share the benefits of your growth with each other--whether you stay together, or not.
My first husband has over 30 years sobriety and we remain good friends. I stay with him and his wife when I visit my kids, and he takes me to meetings when I go to visit. That wouldn't have been possible without AA.
I have suggested she try Al-Anon and she said she is going to but has not gotten there yet. I actually think it's critical if we are both ever to be emotionally happy in our own worlds. She's built up defense mechanisms and thinking patterns that are unhealthy due to my alcoholism. I am starting to realize how sick I have been for so long and deeply regret subjecting her to some of the hurt that came about from the disease. Thank you for the suggestions.
Well, you passed along the info. She'll have to decide whether to check it out or not. Don't push--you had to hit your bottom to reach out for help, and it's the same way with partners. Sometimes it's only when the alcoholic is getting better and the partner is feeling like she is getting worse that Al-Anon suddenly seems like a good idea. It can work the other way around, too!
I agree the seed has been planted. She said she was going to go before I even thought AA was for me...that's kind of funny in a way. She's got a lot going on and it's difficult for her to get there. I did hit my bottom though I'm not going further down.
