Is is me or is a person that comes into AA claiming they are so independent and shy really just a grandiose person that thinks they are really too unique and special to admit they have the same problems as everyone else in the rooms. This was brought up in a another post, but it would seem to be a serious problem. I go to 2 newcomers meeting a week and it would seem counterintuitive, but I do feel like the ones that come in crying that their lives are wrecked have a greater chance at sobriety than the ones that sit there and dont share or the ones that share how grateful they are and how happy they are at 2 weeks sober. I guess the message of this post is for anyone considering going to a meeting or those who are brand new. I just want you all to know I was so busted and screaming (and crying yes) for help when I came into AA. I have a sponsee that wont talk in any meetings and now has relapsed 2 times and almost died and he just can't see the damage it's causing because he keeps all his thoughts and feelings to himself (except for sort of sharing them with me). It's okay to ask for help and to open up in meetings at first. Nobody expects someone to come into their first meeting all put together and high functioning on every level. Drop the defenses, ask for help, and take it! Wishing all a happy sobriety.
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Is is me or is a person that comes into AA claiming they are so independent and shy really just a grandiose person that thinks they are really too unique and special to admit they have the same problems as everyone else in the rooms. This was brought up in a another post, but it would seem to be a serious problem. I go to 2 newcomers meeting a week and it would seem counterintuitive, but I do feel like the ones that come in crying that their lives are wrecked have a greater chance at sobriety than the ones that sit there and dont share or the ones that share how grateful they are and how happy they are at 2 weeks sober. I guess the message of this post is for anyone considering going to a meeting or those who are brand new. I just want you all to know I was so busted and screaming (and crying yes) for help when I came into AA. I have a sponsee that wont talk in any meetings and now has relapsed 2 times and almost died and he just can't see the damage it's causing because he keeps all his thoughts and feelings to himself (except for sort of sharing them with me). It's okay to ask for help and to open up in meetings at first. Nobody expects someone to come into their first meeting all put together and high functioning on every level. Drop the defenses, ask for help, and take it! Wishing all a happy sobriety.
Mark
Hi Mark; I'm Marc and I'm Alcoholic So you are not alone.
I like to think I am independent as opposed to the needy type. I've been in the program since March 08, 1996 and have worked alone mostly. I often drank alone so I suppose I'm some sort of Solitary Man... If I need help with something I ask but mostly I figure it out on my own. I attend F2F meetings and also participate in online AA. This works for me.
I remember, when I was new in meetings that I was terrified of speaking for fear of stuttering and not being able to finish sentences. It was also intimidating to me, in discussion groups, hearing others share in AA-speak citing BB references etc... I was afraid of sounding ignorant. It was probably ego and perfectionism at work, wanting to sound 3 years sober at 3 months.
Good point pinkchip. I know I also suffered from the disease of "uniqueness" when I first started the journey. No one was like me, or had experienced what I had. No one understood. Thankfully I came to see how wrong and "average" I really was. I'm sure glad I did!
I am a naturally excrutiatingly shy person. I have been that way since a child. Drink helped me deal with it.........for a while........ I have never felt unique - well certainly not in a good way!
I even had a panic attack (started to gasp for air ) whilst reading the Preamble and somebody had to finish it for me!!!
I do share though, I am extremely comfortable and very relaxed with that and was so from pretty early on. I guess I just felt at home and safe in AA.....but reading from a script or even the Big Book in front of people......EEK!
I shared at my second meeting as I was asked if I would like to. I just shared how I felt and how relieved I was to have found AA and even though I hadn't managed to stay sober that I felt convinced I would be able to do it ........thanks to AA I did......eventually.
In the early days I kind of struggled with the saying "Try to identify not compare"......I found the saying hard to get my brain around/decipher!!!!! I sat there thinking "Bloody hell! These AAs are WAY to smart for me! Oh God! Will I EVER get this????"
I've had trouble sharing out loud, although I related and identified immediately. I knew I was alcoholic and needed help which is why I went to meetings based on recomendations here at MIP. I am a total idiot in front of groups, it is excruciating. I also suffer from an ego that thinks I must get just right. I often go blank and can't think of anything. Over time it has gotten easier. I prefer book studies where the discussion is on our experience as it relates to the material. There is one meeting that is very hard for me despite loving the sistership and AA message there. I once came up behind someone who was storing chairs in an extra room while talking to others. She was talking about me and how "interesting" I was. She probably meant well but my mental story is that interesting translates to weird and my next mental leap is that I don't belong here socially either.
The longer I've been in recovery I forget my state of mind when I first showed up. I had twenty-five years of dealing with social situations always using alcohol. Having the devil as a bedfellow means that my mental, emotional and spiritual perceptions were totally out of whack.
I just started working with a newcomer and I become frustrated inside when she doesn't do it like I do. All I can do is share my ESH in meetings and in working with another. Every one has their own path and after this I have to get out of the way.
I think sharing helps. We don't have beginner meetings here. So in the beginning, newcomers are encouraged to listen. Later I was encourage to share to weave a tighter bond with the groups. My sponsor began to understand my anxiety about talking in front of groups and encouraged me, sometimes by calling me out in a meeting, but she was fine if I managed to say something as simple as "grateful to be here, pass."
I also have experienced extreme discomfort posting here, even though it is not F2F. It's the same as what Dean said, wanting you all to love me and sound like I have it all together at 3 months, even though I don't. It's fear and ego and if a newcomer is not identifying, part of the insidious disease speaking in the ear.
Okay...so it would seem that I'm not altogether right in my perceptions here. I did become a bit reclusive towards the end of my drinking..but snapped right back into being extroverted shortly into sobriety. I guess I don't understand cuz it's not me...
__________________
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I was talking mostly about the ones who claim they are "too independent" for AA. That's a different thing from shyness, I think. I've known a lot of people terrified to go into a meeting because the only way they've ever been comfortable around a group of strangers is with a drink in their hand. It can be a truly painful experience for them, especially at first.
The "independent" ones are either suffering from arrogance and uniqueness or just plain misunderstand what AA is.
I knew I was alcoholic and needed help which is why I went to meetings based on recomendations here at MIP.
I also have experienced extreme discomfort posting here, even though it is not F2F. It's the same as what Dean said, wanting you all to love me and sound like I have it all together at 3 months, even though I don't. It's fear and ego and if a newcomer is not identifying, part of the insidious disease speaking in the ear.
Angelove, it's been really cool to watch you get sober, through your writings here at MIP, and I'm really glad that you're here.
When I first came to A.A. I was very shy. I would share in the meetings but would bolt for the door the minute the closing prayer was over. I did not want to be that way at all.
In terms of the "fiercely independent" person in a meeting:
The "independent" ones are either suffering from arrogance and uniqueness or just plain misunderstand what AA is.
I think this is sometimes true especially the "misunderstand what AA is" part. But I think an important thing we forget in A.A. is that ego surrender goes against our innate survival instincts and when people have hit bottom their lives are often in intense turmoil, they have lost things and are in danger of losing more things. When a person is in this situation whether it is from alcoholism or other causes they are likely to be on high alert for threats to their ego, it can take a while for people to trust that the ego surrender A.A. is suggesting is what will ultimately save their lives.
) whilst reading the Preamble and somebody had to finish it for me!!!
