I have a dear friend of many years my age who is struggling like HELL right now. We have had years of sobriety, together, in past times. I have a little over a month sober again now and am pretty well-adjusted, JUST FOR TODAY, one day at a time, because I am so darned busy with "service work" when I am not at work or taking care of the daily neccessities. While I certainly cannot represent a group as GSR or do any sponsoring at present, I am chairing my home group, picking up women who have lost their license and can't drive to meetings (most of which have more "continuous" sobriety right now than I do, albeit they are "newbies" and I am just a re-tread), and spending every bit of time I can before and after women's meetings with other women. Somehow the thought of drinking is not tugging at me or possessing my soul right now. By the Grace of God. ONLY by the Grace of God, because these activities I have mentioned are not "normal" for this alcoholic. Something outisde myself seems to be moving my feet in the right direction right now.
But the disease is afflicting my friend and she keeps getting sucked back in. I keep seeing her coming back to meetings, almost every night. I offer my hand to her every time I see her, and a hug and I try to help her wipe her tears, although I know that I have to take care of me right now, and that she needs someone with lots of continuous recovery right now as her primary source of guidance.
I want for her so badly to get better, again. She told me the other night that she left a meeting the night before, intending to not drink, yet another substance "came to HER" (IV drugs) by way of her cousing stopping by and shooting her up! I am devastated and her helplessness right now terrifies me. The last close friend that I had who used IV drugs along with alcohol OD'ed after ONE night of relapse after more than a year clean and sober. It was almost more than I could bear. (RIP Annie... 23 years old, my God.)
I am so scraed for my friend "J". I guess in some ways, the frustration and the anxiety and the way she is "trapped" right now reminds me of what it was like for me. It scares me to the point of unbelievable gratitude. I have not felt triggered or a strong urge to drink or use in over 4 weeks now, which is a miracle. I am almost feeling unworthy of how peaceful and serene I have been feeling much of the time. I can't believe it, and yet I will keep riding this train I am on, because I want to live. When I feel like shit, I go to a meeting. And I am usually scheduled to go to one anyway, almost every night, so the bouts with crappiness don't last long, by default. I can't cancel meetings, because I have responsibilities, for rides or setting up or meeting someone there. This is all AA/God stuff, not "Joni-stuff".
"J" makes me realize how quickly I went from feeling so horrible and hopeless and almost suicidal, to feeling hopeful and positive and having faith, just by making a COMMITTMENT to stay sober whatever the cost. It almost seems unfair. But I am not to judge what is fair and what isn't. I just hope she gets whatever has been bestowed upon me over the past weeks. PLEASE PLEASE pray for "J", as she is literally fighting for her life. And I KNOW that all I can do is to keep showing up, and praying for her, and letting her see that activity in AA works, and is working for me.
thank you.
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
This is the terrible disease that hurts so many of us, especially when we see a friend suffer. The only thing I could do was pray for them and encourage them. Sometimes years of contact with a sufferer brings some hope. My one friend now has 2years of sobriety after a struggle of almost 10 years. Just be the beacon, Joni and let God do his work. Step 1 not only speaks of our condition, but we are powerless over others. Keep working with this person and you will see the miracle of your life.
Hey Joni! sorry about your friend J ,I will also pray for her.We can only carry the message.Believe me I know the feeling of helplessness we go thru.my son just went back out again and is leaving a trail of devastation in his path...We also just buried a friend who did 18 months of Drug Court,was looking good,doing the right thing(we thought) and his roomate finds him with set of works in his arm ,dead.We can only live sober and our actions will mean more than any words.Stay strong and close to your HP for your strength and pray "J" will choose recovery! In support.
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
(((((Joni2))))) I feel with you and was feeling like you this morning as 3 other alkies and myself supported another member who has relapsed again and came to the meeting wanting to be there and under the influence...Felt the meeting and didn't hear it. What we were doing was exercising powerless love and it was good to be an old timer with a strong grasp on powerlessness and the need for and presence of God. 4 alkies and God and God would stay while we let him go to go lay down and get closer to reality until the next meeting. I have held the hand and prayed with others when that was all there was left besides a pending death or miracle. It use to be harder than it is right now... unconditional acceptance keeps it real and doable. Our friend has his own will and so does he disease and both are in mock step. HP's will and the AA will are on the fringe. Support and pray of course and guard my own sobriety at the same time. This morning's meeting topic was the 12th step and I get to remember as much as I was taught about that step and how to work it widely. I remember my elder sponsor teaching me to let the newcomer sponsor me and carry the message of active alcoholism into the inner reaches of my reality. Let the spiritual awakening be perpetual and so like you I attended this retread and held in my mind and emotions and heart and spirit..."There but for the grace of God and here because of the grace of God; am I." While you tend to your friend tend to your self and have your sponsor tend also.
Wouldn't it be interesting to ask your then sponsor what she went thru watching you enter your last relapse...just for training. It's a fair question and a shared experience for growth.
I've walked over a lot of bodies, in this program, in 23 years. "some of us must die" I believe the literature says. I don't mean to be morbid, but this is a selfish program. 19 people have to go out the door, so that you can stay sober. God bless them and better them than me. You can't want it, for her, more than she does. Without getting anymore negative, I'd urge you to stick with the winners. It's nice to be concerned but I wouldn't be concerned about what she's doing when she's not at meetings. It's really not your business. Your business is sobriety. If she starts telling you about it what's happening "out there", I'd stop her in mid sentence and tell her that you're only interested in talking about recovery. Otherwise it's a pity session.
I will pray that God's will be done for you and your friend
((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))
Larry, ------------- Do not fear what may happen tomorrow. The same loving Father who cares for you today will care for you tomorrow and everyday. Either he will shield you from suffering or He will give you unfailing strength to bear it. Be at peace then and put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginings.
"some of us must die" I believe the literature says. I don't mean to be morbid, but this is a selfish program. 19 people have to go out the door, so that you can stay sober. God bless them and better them than me.
As much as that sucks, it is the cold hard truth. I wish everyone could "get it", but I know most will not. It's very nice to know that I'm not the only one that thinks "better them than me." I've made that comment before in the presence of non AA members, and you can't believe the $hit I caught for it. I learned my lesson, but I will not hesitate for one moment to say it amongst others in recovery, because I know they feel the same way. Thanks for the brutal honesty Dean.
Update: I gave it to God. She is in detox and they can help her there. I can't. All I can do is focus on my own recovery and I am doing so. I have dropped the "survivors guilt". I am not her sponsor. So I pray for her, which is ALL I CAN DO SAFELY at this point, besides staying sober myself so that she and others can see that there is plenty of hope for us after relapse, so long as we are suckin' air still. And I am ok with that.
Thanks Dean and everyone else here for the good solid advice!
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
